Gordo

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About Gordo

  • Rank
    Vauxhall Corsa VXR

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  • Location
    SW14
  • Occupation
    Sports Marketing
  • Car Make
    Gordo
  1. Great comebacks pt 2

    A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into a supermarket with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door-greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't, you f***ing idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you f***ing d*ckhead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice"
  2. The thickest person in the world?

    I must have been half asleep to have posted that! The thickest person in the world?........Gordo
  3. NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever." After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: "Which of the following is the largest?" A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. "Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be." Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. "Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend." Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. "Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun." Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. "Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it." To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' "I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans. Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. "Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer." Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
  4. Cuddly bear (WW)

    Casino?
  5. "It's a bit like Amsterdam. They look great in the window, but it's different when you go inside." Comic Bob Mills debates the perils of football's transfer window.
  6. Did your SP30 increase your insurance?

    I put the Missus on at renewal time and it reduced the premium.....so I put on my mother, sister and sister-in-law, they don't even know about it! saved me over £100. cheers ladies
  7. extreme bungee

    That is very impressive!!
  8. Rocky

    An oldie, but def worth watching again!
  9. Old but good – love 13...and 20 obviously! 1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle. 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish. noisy destruction = man. 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrrrr, what does it look like. 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" What would you add??
  10. The name's Bond.....

    A bloke walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says.. "Hi, my names Bond!" She says, "don't tell me, your first name's James" "No!" he says. "It's UNI and I'm here to fill yer crack" TAXI!
  11. 2 games in one

    nothing much of note....until out of the blue....29.315 Feels like a Friday today....
  12. addicted to lost?

    phew, all done, back to work now! pointless clip as a reward though!
  13. addicted to lost?

    Dog in the clouds....what's he called?!
  14. Very appealing job offer....

    This is an extract from an internal job op….. The end result is that they want to employ an experienced Account Manager and an Account executive to Live and work in Samoa for the next 14 months. The reason that I am contacting you is that it may offer a unique opportunity for an ******* employee to take on this role (on loan to the ***********) where effectively they pay the individual`s salary for 14 months and we take them back at the end of it. The role would also involve travelling to 15 Pacific islands over a 6 month period to deliver the*********, so it really is a great opportunity for someone. Should that someone be me?!
  15. The police must have found a big shortfall in their budgets, thus reviving what is basically a license to print money. Sneaky sneaky carefully tucked away cameras...nice little earner! The threat of a camera & subsequent points is a far better deterrent IMO. People see the "sneaky" last minute, slam on the anchors, and hey presto you have a pile-up!