• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Kraken

  1. There's an App for that...

    They've even got the voice right:
  2. Best Divorce Letter

    Well I've gone back a couple of weeks and can't see it on here.... I truly feel this guy's pain: Linky (Nice one Laughing Station!)
  3. Scottish Sex Survey

    Sex survey of a typical Scotsman. This years social survey examines the sexual habits of a typical Scottish man. Our experts recreated a typical Scotsman's night of passion. THE PREPARATION: Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac – 12 pints, a fish and chip supper and three pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing: Love (or as he says to himself, "ma nookie"). His lust is at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard nights dominoes. He approaches his beloved entreating her with gentle persuasive words of passion - "any chance o' ma hole?". The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onion bits sticking to his chin is, at first, somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply - "away tae feck, ya bam". FOREPLAY: Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-Fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing with the skid marks down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "ere we go, ere we go ere we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant eight incher. [This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.] INITIAL PROBLEMS: After twelve pints sometime our mans "Wee Willie Winkie" is a trifle reluctant to extend itself. Impotence is very much a blow to his self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "ya useless [email protected]", or possibly "this ne'er happens tae the milkman". Oral sex is a great favourite with the Scotsman and he approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation "How d'ya like tae get yer teeth roon this?". The woman nods willingly and points to her wallies smiling happily in the bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but dinna disturb me". Unperturbed by this slight rejection, he dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication here can often lead to problems. The man may emerge from below the covers with a face like a wet tomato and a pointed but tender rebuke, "Ye bastarrrd -Ye coulda telt me it wis yer bad week". DOWN TO BUSINESS: Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again the alcohol induced double vision can be an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. This phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "o feck, av shot ma load". If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "bogeys, shite, @rsehole". His woman is understandably rendered speechless by this. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. His woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters words of encouragement, such as "are ye sure it's in?". Given this level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless "ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man". Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, [email protected] and falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig. There's no male in the world who can perform quite like a Scotsman on a Friday night - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
  4. Catching

    A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,"My grandma says there's a nasty bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
  5. Been around a while - but I haven't seen it on here and it's too good not to share. Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward with an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. The impact accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope... I watched the barrel drop back to the spot where I was lying - this explains the 2 broken legs.
  6. Not Your Day Mate....

    Hell - if I'm boring you I'll stop! As it happens I'm covering nights tonight so I'm away in just under an hour...
  7. Not Your Day Mate....

    Walking through the woods one day a man comes spots another man hugging a tree with his ear pressed firmly against the trunk. Seeing this he inquires, "Excuse me - this is just out of curiosity, but what are you doing?" The man replies "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You've got to be kidding me?" "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree's trunk. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves. He starts calling for help but it's a fairly remote place and it's two hours before another man comes by. The new guy sees our man handcuffed to the tree, stark naked and asks, "What happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there and how he's been robbed. While he was doing this the new guy shakes his head and "Tut's" in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and whispers. "Well I guess this just isn't your lucky day.... sweetie."
  8. Deer

    One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a really long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe? "Very good Sally - yes it's a giraffe" the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy - it IS a zebra." the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the pupils recognise the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "Oh - I know this one!! It's a horny [email protected]"
  9. Kicks

    Dave walks into a pub and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Dave with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's brilliant - well done mate!" says Dave. "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you've ever seen." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face!"
  10. Snap

    Three guys are out hunting. Sitting around the evening campfire they start exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that had ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his arms and legs and he was hospitalised for six months. The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a coach ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year. The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so they start pushing him to tell them about his worst experience. He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a poo, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position." "Yeah? So what happened next?" asks his friend. "I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a fox trap snapped shut on my testicles." One of the other guys says, "Dear God! - But if that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?" The third guy says, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the tether chain . . ."
  11. Extraction

    One day, an American man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if we don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still far too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and I simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers without any preparatory work, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it that way for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife in for next Tuesday!"
  12. Shorties

    A man was enjoying a beer in a neighbourhood pub when he noticed at the other end of the bar a man with a head the size of a grape. After trying for a while not to stare, he goes over to the guy and says, "Look I'm sorry to disturb you, but how did you wind up like that?" The unfortunate fellow turned to him and explained: "I was walking on the beach one day when I found an old lamp. I picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie came out. This genie was the most beautiful looking girl I ever saw." 'I've been locked in that lamp for 5000 years,' she said. 'What can I do for you? Anything - Just name it.' So I said, 'Well - I'd wouldn't mind a little head...' <font color="blue">A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore? The wife says, "Well for the last 7 months every morning I take a taxi to work. I don't have any money so the driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take an 'or what'.” "SO then when I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So do we write this down in the book or what?' so I take an 'or what'.” "To get back home again I have to take the taxi and I still don't have any money so the driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I have to take an 'or what'.” "So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want "it" any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about it or what?" </font> Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead! Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick (what else?) Q: What do Vegetarian Maggots eat? A: Linda McCartney. Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog Q: Why do men fart more than women? A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. <font color="blue">FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £250.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#cking everything. </font> The difference between a dog and a fox can sometimes be as little as 6 pints… <font color="blue"> An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?!" "Aww C’mon God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" </font>
  13. The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country road late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he heads towards it. He finds an old farmhouse and knocks on the door, the farmer opens it. "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?" "Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other." "Look, I'm greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as houses." says the greatest truck driver in the world. "All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer hears the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, and there is the greatest truck driver in the world giving it to his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down. The farmer goes downstairs and loads his shotgun. He walks back into the bedroom and shoves the barrels up the greatest truck driver in the world's bouncing @sshole. "All right," he says, "so if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, you can just reverse out of there with a full load."
  14. Bed for Sale

    Hi All, I'm in a bit of bother - i've just ordered a bed from the internet... The problem is that my room is not that big and I misjudged the size of the bed compared to the size of the gap it had to fit in and they won't let me send it back for some reason. However I can change the delivery address. The bed frame is 100% hand carved and imported from Asia, the mattress is high quality too. I thought I would give you guys first offers, but if you know of anyone else who might be interested please forward this on as I'd like to sell it ASAP. I haven't named a price but if you're interested let me know. Picture attached
  15. Who's actually GOT an S4??

    Do you mean the new V8 version or the old BiTurbo V6?
  16. Socrates

    In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I have just heard about your friend?" "Say no more for the moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything else I want you to pass a Test. It is a test in three stages that a human being must put himself to before he utters a word". "A Test in three stages?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what your are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," interrupted Socrates. "So you do not really know if it is true or not. Now try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are going to tell me about my friend something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him but you are not certain it is true. You may still pass the test though, because there is one stage left: Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem, it also explains why Socrates never found out that his best friend was banging his wife.
  17. Redneck

    The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again. "You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!" "I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"
  18. Prescription

    The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
  19. Sunday Drive

    A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he was so sick that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with Mummy?" "Oh yes! Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't see a single [email protected]@rd!"
  20. Top 10 rejection lines...

    Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ....and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing) Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) ....and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means) 1. Let's be friends. (You're the ugliest f*#$king bitch that has ever existed on this planet.)
  21. And you wondered why you don't see Skippy on TV any more?
  22. Save it for marriage

    A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that!" said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father." About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
  23. Lovely Cat

    John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks "John, promise you wont get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy" "WHAT?!!!"he shouts With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctors surgery and through reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctors office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting Mr Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!" The doctor replies "I'm sorry Mr Smith but there has been a misunderstanding - I told your wife that she has Acute Angina"
  24. Xenophobe

    After just two days of driving through Mexico, Steve was sick and tired of its native inhabitants. "They hate Americans," he told his wife, "and I swear - the next one I see, I'm going to make that son of a bitch suffer!" As it happened, Steve's anger was such that he didn't look where he was going, and crashed into the rear of a pickup truck driven by a brawny Mexican farmer. The man got out from his truck, eyed the damage, walked over to Steve's car and leaned in through the window. "Hey grriiinnngo - why you heet my truck?" he asked. "Because I can't stand you, or any other Mexican grease balls!" Steve ranted. "In fact, if you're man enough, I'm going to come out and kick the [censored] out of you!" The Mexican motioned Steve out of his vehicle, "I make a deel weetch you," he said. "If you ween, you take my trock. If I ween, not only do I shag your wife, but you weel hold my balls to keep them off the hot road." Both men agreed and fought. Later, Steve was smiling as he and his wife drove off. "I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated. His wife looked at him in shock. "What the hell are you talking about?!" she bellowed. Steve smiled. "Didn't you hear how he screamed when I dropped his nuts on the tarmac?!"
  25. What are YOU like?

    A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big t!ts."