stevenm

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About stevenm

  • Rank
    Shank's Pony
  • Birthday 10/04/1973

Converted

  • Location
    North East
  • Occupation
    ISP Project Manager
  1. Tazer testing...

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. •My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. •The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. •My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. •My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. •I had no control over the drooling. •Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. •I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return
  2. hamster

    cleaning your cat and toilet bowl at the same time Put washing up liquid in toilet bowl, close seat and lid,throw in cat, flush a few times Make sure the route to the back door is clear before lifting toilet seat and lid Not only do you get a clean cat you also get a clean toilet bowl A hamster would be to small in this case...
  3. Jim Jefferies - Baghdad WORK WARNING for language!

    I love Jim, had couple of albums on the plane and on hols and was in tears, the story about his mates diabled brother and going to get him laid at the whore house was side splitting stuff. Well worth downloading from normal sources. ;-)
  4. Merc GL320

    We are going to let some one else take the hit on their 60K and buY 2nd hand ;-) then run it for donkeys LOL. Have a climb around one and it was massive, 5 meters long and loaded with toys. Proper family car.
  5. Merc GL320

    Been looking forward and i can see myself needing a good old 4x4 soot chucker. Thinking disco then we had a wee go in GL and that was that. Tons of space even in 3rd row in which i had leg room to spare and we would use it for next 15 years as a family workhorse. Just wondered TS's thoughs on this Merc.
  6. Planning to ski off piste this year? - please read

    Good lady and myself went to Morzine for week and skied all day long up high. Lower slopes were slush and plenty of ice to be had on some slopes. The pisteurs had done a great job keeping the slopes in decent state. We got a dump mid week which helped then as we left just before the half term hords appeareded it dropped all day and didnt stop so tons of fresh powder. mucho fun but pleanty people struggling on the ice. Also proposed to the goodlady which caught her totally by surprise ;-)
  7. My 60k miles 56 2.0T A4 engine now appears to be rocking like a passion wagon at idle, it's hunting all the time and sound like bag of nail. This has only just appeared and had a service in April. The roadside lad was baffled as only misfire on all 4 cylinders showed up and it drives fine. Any thoughts? I have it booked in with Audi for week on Monday ( ffs...) and i hope, as developed fault just shy of the 60k miles its a warranty job but when i go it booked in it had 60450 as i did Edinburgh to london same day so went over 60k in same day fault started. The rac man was called mid jounrey at 60320 miles Should this be an issue???