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Jokes Thread


tom_hargreaves
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Alright guys, got a few jokes that got a chuckle from me. Please feel free to add any of your own jokes, that way people can just click on this thread and enjoy! See what you think of these:

Ulrika Johnson was rushed to hospital last night, it was reported that she badly injured herself when she sat on her mobile phone. However doctors informed that her condition was comfortable. After all, it wasn't the first time she'd had an Ericsson up her arse!

- - -

The finest crisp white writing paper, with handwriting using only the best ink, lovingly folded and wrapped in an immaculate envelope....

....This is no ordinary P45....

....This is an M&S P45....

- - -

I was putting away the Christmas decorations last night and I found a present I forgot to give the kids. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped the paper and opened the box....

....Unfortunately it was a puppy.

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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights

each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for

his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey,

Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club

before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like

his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf

club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st

nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms

around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out

of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have

mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling

him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

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Scientists have discovered that many women develop "Dyson's Disease" after a year of marriage.

They make a continuous fecking whining noise, but don't suck any more.

Love that, 4/5 +++

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

5,000 Israeli troops have rapidly entered Jordan. Early reports say she is tired and her arse is sore but she'll soldier on.

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While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.

The salesman said to them, 'I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in cos Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet! 'You got dem on the wrong feet!

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I've been looking at a map of London to see if I can find Burnley....Apparently it's 2 minutes away from Wembley.

2 dogs are in a vets office, Jack and Butch. Butch asks Jack "What are you in for?".

He says "I mauled a postman so i'm being put to sleep, what are you in for?" Jack asks.

Butch says "I was walking past the bathroom when I saw my owner, stark naked, bending over the bath washing her hair. I was feeling horny so I mounted her doggy style". "Bloody hell, that's serious. No wonder you're being put down." says Jack.

Butch says "I'm not, i'm here to get my nails clipped!".

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A man is walking past a pet shop when he see a sign " Blow jobbing ferrets £10".

He thinks.. strange?, better go and ask about them, so he walks into the shop and asks the guy "what about these ferrets"?

The shop keeper relies "Well, I went out and bought some ferrets but when i got them back to the shop i noticed they had manky teeth. So I pulled their teeth out and taught them some new tricks!" "Would you like to try one?"

The guy thinks for a minute and agrees "yes, why not"

Ok, here you go, take it down to the bottom of the shop and give it try.

ten minutes later the guys comes back with the biggest smile ever on his face.. "Wow!!.. that was amazing".. here's your £10.

The shop keeper put the ferret in a little Hessian bag for the chap to take home. Chappie arrives home and by then he is quite knackered so he drops it on the kitchen table and goes into the lounge to watch telly.

Later his wife arrives home and walks in to see this squirming bag on the kitchen table, she looks in and is surprised to see a ferret inside. She shouts out to her husband. "What so you want me to do with this ferret"

He replies "Teach it to cook and feck off" :roflmao:

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Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, three times..."

"Three, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...

Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you...

Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again..."

"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were ten votes short...."

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  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

How to find out if dog is really man's best friend. This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment :

Lock your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

:roflmao::roflmao:

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  • 1 month later...
  • 7 months later...

A few (Non-PC) jokes for the laffy bunch ;)

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

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