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Family Bereavement


tom_hargreaves
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Hi, i'm after some advice again please. Although not to do with a relationship (Sort of).

My girlfriends mother has been battling cancer for the past 12 months, and last week was admitted to hospital. Yesterday unfortunately we were told she isn't going to make it. 12 days ago she was up and about, but now is in a hospice pretty much totally incapacitated and has only a matter of days left.

I'm just looking for some guidance relating to my girlfriend (Amy), because she is going out of her mind at the prospect of what is inevitably going to happen. And i'm frightened to death of the aftermath this is going to create. I've never been in this position before where somebody so close to me is being directly affected.

Amy seems to be losing the will to live with the thought that her mother isn't going to be around anymore, won't see her get married or see her grandchildren. The nurses at the hospice have also taken her off the drip, which has sent Amy up the wall as she feels "nobody cares anymore."

I spoke to Amy about an hour ago on the phone and she was crying uncontrollably and kept saying "How am I going to go on in life without my mum?", and that "They have just brought her here to die.".

This conversation left me feeling pretty helpless, as I honestly did not know what to say to this. And has prompted this post.

Seriously, what on earth do I do? :(

I've never even been to a funeral before, and now the first I do will be that of my in-law.

I'm really struggling with this one, i'm trying to be as strong as I can but it's just seeing what my girlfriend is going through that is getting to me the most. I'm trying to imagine myself in her position and find it unbearable.

Any pointers or advice would be greatly appreciated, it really would.

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Sorry to hear this Tom, Other than being there for her there is little you can do, clearly all her attention is focused on her mum now. You need to be prepared for irrational thinking from her, does she have any other close family about?

Closest experience for me is my uncle who has MS, it cut me up quite badly with how my cousins were affected, time is the only real healer when the inevitable happens.

Try and plan some things to take her away for days out or a short break, give you both time to reflect and away from the norm.

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Sounds truly awful and I feel for you. Best advice I can give is to put yourself in her position. What would you want from her should this be happening to you? Would you want someone to be there quietely by your side? Or someone guiding you, helping with the (inevitable) arrangments and so on.

Hang in there mate...

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My wife's Mum died from cancer last October.

She was diagnosed with a low grade lymphoma in November 2008 but was told it was such a minor case that the best course of action was to forget about it. Throughout 2009 she had a few problems and she had some chemo to reduce a tumour around her spleen which worked. She still wasn't right though and was losing weight and the system finally got 'round to giving her a full body scan rather than just a local scan on her spleen. That scan showed the cancer was widespread and was in her bones.

From that scan to her death was 4 weeks and 2 days.

That was a dreadful time and the hospice was particularly harrowing. Your life is on hold. All you can do is try your best to make sure everything is in order and everyone understands the person's wishes. Make sure they are surrounded by friends and family if that's what they want; I can't imagine how it must feel to be lying alone in a room knowing what lies ahead. We all shared many laughs and tears recounting stories and it brings everyone together.

The last 4 or 5 days were traumatic. I felt completely helpless and any words of sympathy for my wife just seemed hollow. When the end came, it was a huge relief in some respects for everyone.

The day after, my wife and I and her brother/wife sat in the empty house not really knowing what to do, no-one tells you what the procedure is although the funeral directors were brilliant and guided us along the way.

Nothing can prepare you for losing a parent and all you can do for a partner is to try and take away other pressures to give them space to grieve and of course be there as a shoulder to cry on. Things like birthdays and Christmas bring everything back to the boil and only time can help heal.

Anyone who has lost a loved one through cancer or is having to face a similar situation has my deepest sympathies, stay strong and it does get easier with time.

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She's an only child and it's just her Dad and Grandparents around.

I don't think it helps that Amy has practically been there all day, everyday since she went in. And has seen the rapid deterioration. I saw her mother for an hour on Wednesday night and it was upsetting for me and I was only there for an hour.

Planning days out is a good idea then yeh? I could get some things organised with friends and stuff I suppose to get her away from it all.

What about a holiday? I don't fancy suggesting that we do anything to soon though. Or would she want this you think?

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I can only speak from personal experience; my wife wanted to be there every day (all day if she could), it's natural I guess. And the speed of the deterioration in the last 2 weeks was frightening, almost visible from morning to night.

I have to say if they've taken drips out and stopped feeding then they know time is short.

I would let your girlfriend guide you as to how she wants to handle it; holidays may seem like a good idea but might not be what she wants. Being surrounded by friends and family and grieving as a family helped in our situation.

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I guess it all happened sooner than you expected.

Just remember that times of stress like these make people act irrationally, and Amy may well take her stress out on you. She won't mean it, and it just means she is struggling to find a exit for her grief.

All you can do is be there for her and accept that you have a bumpy few weeks ahead.

I've been to a few funerals and they are terrible. However, the day after the funeral its like a weight has been lifted, so it will get better for her. It just takes time.

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Amy rang me, and she struggled to even say the words. I kept offering to be with her but she declined all the time? She is with her dad and grandparents, uncles etc etc.

Is this just her way of trying to deal with it? I really feel as though I should be there by her side.

Tom, if she is not too far from you i would go around and give her a big hug, At this time she may not be thinking straight but if you go around it shows you care, and then if she wants to be alone you have done the right thing

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What he said ^

Just get round there (if you haven't already) your part of her family it will show that you care (which you obviously do).

That was a frighteningly quick transition from she's going soon, to she's now gone, which while it sounds uncaring, is probably for the best all round.

Cancer has run through my family and taken a few on its way, there is nothing worse than having to watch someone deteriorate, whilst knowing you can do nothing, and (while they are obviously doing everything) it sometimes seems like the medical professionals have just given up, and you want them to do something, anything.

My best mate had to watch his mum die slowly the year we left school and went on to college, he says it was the worst time of his life, and if she'd gone quickly, while it would have been a shock, it would have been easier to deal with.

The next step is the funeral, offer to help as much as you can, and don't take no for an answer, but don't try and give them advice on how the funeral should be, let those closest to her decide what she would have wanted.

Once the funeral is over, the healing process starts, but it'll be a long one, just be there for her and support her, a huge chunk of her life has just been removed, she won't know what to do with herself, so think of lots of activities that you think she might enjoy, and put a smile on her face, even just briefly, but don't press the issue if she really isn't up for it.

So sorry to hear of your families loss.

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Yeah go and see her and be there for her. She might push you away but you need to show that she can rely on you for support. Just give her lots of support and you probably need to listen a lot more than talking about things, early on anyway.

Hope things get better for you all soon, time is a healer and things will get easier for her.

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I need a bit more advice with this, although this is actually car related.

Amy's mother had a 325i M Sport Saloon. Which her and her Dad are now stuck with. The monthly payments are more than her Dad can afford (Her mother earned most of the families income).

The settlement on the car is £15,800. The dealer it was bought from have offered £13,500 to buy it back, I know the sales manager etc and this is the best price they are willing to do. Most car buying websites are offering around £14,100.

This is turning into a money issue that they can hardly afford to pay. Her mother had no life insurance (As nobody would do it), and her dad is 62 years old on a limited income. After the funeral cost and now having to pay his mortgage 100% the negative equity is going to be quite a big problem.

How do you think BMW Finance would look at this if Amy were to ring up and explain the situation? I know they aren't a charity but is there anyway the remaining balance could be financed or something?? Rather than having to pay a lump sum??

EDIT: Sorry, my head's allover the place - Thank you very much for the comments, they've been extremely kind and helpful during this time. I'm very appreciative.

Edited by tom_hargreaves
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I'm genuinely sorry to hear your news. That dreaded disease is viscious. My mum died when I was 24 and my dad when I was 30 - both of cancer. In my experience time is a great healer. Again, IMO and everyone's different, it's no good being told everything will be ok, because that's never going to happen right now as Amy is concerned. Loosing a parent or family member puts you in a dark and very lonely place and above all, really fecking frightening head space, regardless of whose around to comfort you and tell you they know how your feeling. Unless they've lost a love one, especially to such a vulgar disease, they won't know how she's feeling. Watching your parents die before you is a fecking haunting nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone poor soul. The last breath is the most frightening thing to see. There's very little you can do IMO right now and for the forseeable future than to be there for her when she wants you to, to hold her, again, when she wants you to and above all listen to her. She'll probably want to ask questions you won't have the answer for. It's going to be very tough, but it will be the making of you if you help her pull through it. It will take time. A lot of time. That's the only healer, IMO. Best of luck to you and Amy. I hope her time in that dark land doesn't leave it's mark in her mind +++

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Regarding the car, I can understand why, moraly, you would want it sorted amicably for both parties, but I don't believe there is any obligation on next of kin to keep up repayments on a car when someone has passed away.

I'd call the finance company, informing them of the death, and asking when they would like to collect the car.

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Regarding the car, I can understand why, moraly, you would want it sorted amicably for both parties, but I don't believe there is any obligation on next of kin to keep up repayments on a car when someone has passed away.

I'd call the finance company, informing them of the death, and asking when they would like to collect the car.

Correct; the NOK do not have any obligation to do so; however if the value of the asset is less than the outstanding finance; there may be a call on the residual estate.

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JonC, thank you. Some good pointers there, tbh I think it will be the making of us. I've been away for the last 3 days with an urgent business trip, couldn't have come at a worse time obviously. Felt really shitty leaving her.

Well this is just it, i'm sure if the car was in equity, they'd happily take the thing away. With a mobile phone contract they have just cancelled it no questions asked (Bit different obviously).

So do you think that the next of kin won't be held responsible for the outlay?? I thought some sort of loan protection would have to have been taken out when the car was bought??

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  • 2 weeks later...

The next of kin can't be held responsible - the charge would be on the estate and would be considered a costs against estate anyway.

Write to them explicitly saying their debter has passed on, include the details of the person dealing with probate, and you're done.

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