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Not your typical parent v child problem


Calm Chris
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Took a call last Tuesday from the 15 y.o. daughters school.

She is a lovely child, has the year gold tie as the pupil most likely to do well, has been predicted to get A* in all of her subjects and in the mocks came 1st in year on 4 subjects.

She's had the same boy friend for 18 months and we though she was a stable, level headed child.

So, back to the phone call. Mr Dad, we have had an incident with your daughter she is in A & E. Please go straight there, I was there 15 minutes later.

Our little darling had decided life wasn't good and had taken 40 paracetamol, 16 the night before and 24 while at school. Seeing your child in A&E with people rushing around, drips, monitors and all the gubbins was the single most unpleasant moment of my life.

Knowing what paracetamol overdoses do, which is nothing for 24-36 hours and then rapid decline towards liver failure and death or immediate transplant (which isn't available due to lack of donors) to prevent death made the matter all the more distasteful.

The Doctors were rightly concerned since 20 grams of pills had be consumed by a girl weighing 50 kg, dose to weight thats 0.4 and toxicity / serious damage starts at 0.25 dose / weight.

So for the next three days we sat beside her hoping the drips would push enough cure in to her system to prevent her death. Fortunately it worked and on Saturday she came home from hospital.

So the mental health services (Cahms) kicks in and attempts to help resolve her issues that led to this sorry event. She seems fine, but then she seemed fine the morning I took her to school and the sorry episode started.

She doesn't want to discuss it with me or her Mum, she knew what she was doing (which worries the Doctors- because most don't realise what paracetamol overdoses do to you) and under confidentiality between Cahms and their patient we get feck all detail from the councelling services.

While she was in hospital I accessed her MSN, FB and Tweeter accounts- the events leading up to her actions were documented. Cyber grief from her ex girl friends who have blown her out because she is top of year and has the school hunk as her boyfriend. How I'd like to go to each of those ex girl friends and kick the living shite out of the skit b1tches.

As it stands for reasons of protection (we don't want issues regarding our daughter being branded by other kids as a suicidal nutter) we can't do or say anything to any that were partial causes of the problem. All we can do is make sure she knows we love her, kept a better control on her social freedom and who she see's and hope that the Cahms service manage (alongside us) to strengthen her emotional well being.

The worry is that if cyber grief cause such action, what will happen in later years when the stress of exams, work, boyfriends etc comes along.

Why am I telling you this? Well I don't want pity, and advise isn't appropriate (unless you have 1st hand knowledge or work in a mental health field), I just want you all to make sure you have happy children. Make a point of talking to them, and make sure they are confident to bring serious problems to you before they get worse.

As it stands both myself and wife feel we are now failed parents, we were stupid enough to think a 15 yo daughter should have independence and privacy- please try to avoid the same with yours.

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You have my sincere sympathies Chri5, and I can only wish you (and your wife) and your daughter well.

I wouldn't think of yourselves as failed parents, not at all. There are many things I wouldn't have shared with my parents and I suspect the same of many on here - no matter how times they might have tried asking. It's the nature of children as I know you will know, but I appreciate it is first reaction to think you've done something wrong, when ultimately you know you haven't.

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****. Me.

I'm really glad I don't have kids when I read stuff like that.

I do wonder if the growth in popularity of the 'net is causing more problems like this - it's much easier to 'bully' from the safety of a keyboard than in our day, when the bully would have to face the person they were bullying in person - which could often lead to the person being bullied giving them a good shoeing in a fit of rage.Hope

Hope she makes a full recovery - my old chemistry teacher always warned that if we ever felt like suicide that paracetamol was possibly the worst way to do it.

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Best wishes to you and yours chri5 - I hope she makes a full recovery, and she's lucky to have a supportive family there at this time. I don't have kids so can only imagine what you are going through and the impact of it. However it's not long since I was that age, and I must admit I think giving her privacy and respect doesn't make you bad parents at all - quite the opposite.

A friend of mine was in very similar circumstances at uni, and also tried to overdose, and i'm pleased to say that she has come through it a strong, healthy and wonderful person, and someone I am proud to call my friend. I hope that your daughter can do the same, and that in the future she can look back on those jealous girls and know that she has emerged the better person.

Best Wishes.

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I think Twinspark hit the nail on the head, particularly with girls, they can be particularly vicious when they 'out' someone from the group and social media makes it all the easier for them to do it, and there is no escape from it either, home used to be a safe place where bullies couldn't get you, but now they can get to you wherever you are via Facebook etc.

A friend of mine went through a very very similar situation with her daughter, at about the same age, and for a number of years they looked upon her totally differently, always frightened that if they upset her, she'd do it again, so they tiptoed around her all the time, treading on eggshells, instead of just getting along with things and issuing discipline as normal, and this turned out to be a mistake.

Fortunately they realised this before it was to late, and managed to get her back on the straight and narrow, and I'm pleased to say she has grown up into a well adjusted successful young lady.

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Wow as a parent you always hope that you are doing the best for your kids but you do need to give them freedom to grow I don't feel you have done anything wrong. Kids are like trees you feed them and water them and you want them to have strong roots to grow up strong and healthy and know right from wrong, I'm sure you have done that and more.

The social networking issue is something that is new to this generation and the different challenges it brings, I think we are all learning the best way to tackle any issues that arise.

I'm sure everything will be fine, be there for her and as mentioned take advise from those that are supporting her on how to deal with things going forwards. We are her to listen when ever you need to talk about things.

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There are major issues with the Facebook culture of bullying in the 9-18 age group.

I spend half of my week talking about social media with private and public sector, and in the public sector we've done a lot of work with some organisations on how to monitor it.

Cyber-bullying in general is a collosal issue in today's age, but Facebook is particularly prevalent in a number of studies. The most recent survey indicates that over 70% of teenagers have experienced some form of cyber-bullying, with 50%+ of those naming Facebook as the platform on which it was most apparent.

The UK study alone revealed that almost 13% of workers (as in Adults) now believe they've been subject to cyber bullying too, although in the adult area it is email that is named more often than not.

The USA has a much better grip on it than we do here but coverage and action groups are starting to get better and more numerous.

I think the most worrying thing in the UK is the growth in it in the last 2-3 years. In the last 12 months alone searches on Facebook bullying have increased 44% in this country. That's on top of a 40% rise for the 12 months beforehand. The scale of the figures are staggering - over half a million searches every month in the UK alone specific to Facebook bullying. I think the treatment of bullying in any form should be much more severe, especially when the likes of Childline and Google combine to tell you there are over 7,000,000 (yes, 7 million) searches in our country for 'being bullied' ever MONTH.

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Utterly lost for words. Thank feck she is ok Chri5. Not a parent so no idea of emotions involved.

I guess in the old days if a child was bullied you moved them out of a class; happened in my class a couple of times. I guess FB gives the ability for bullies to keep up the pressure all the time on a wider scale.

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Thanks for posting that. Certainly cause for thought and reflection. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It must be very hard for your family and friends. Thankfully she chose a method from which she could be saved and she will fully recover. I remember my partner's nephew last year did not. It was very shocking for her family. Teen years are such a vulnerable age but you have the chance now to work on it.

If you are aware of the root cause of this (bullying), something should be done. Actions by individuals or groups which lead to situations like this deserve investigation and there should be (quite severe) consequences for those involved. I would expect those responsible should be at the least expelled from the school.

All the best...

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Chris, best wishes to you and your family.

A terrible situation and one that without having it happen to you is impossible to fully understand and comprehend. The only thing I will say is whilst it may be very hard to not have access to the discussions your daughter will have with Cahms, do trust that the people there will truly care and will help her.

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Thanks for the good wishes folks.

It's one day at a time stuff at the moment. She seems to be happier now, and returned to school this morning. Only the teachers know about her actions and that's the way she wants it to be.

The event has been covered up under the guise of a low blood pressure issue.

That frustrates me, in as much as sweeping the event under the carpet means that none of the folk that contributed to the pressure will ever be accountable. On the flip side the lack of people knowing about her actions does prevent her being tagged as unstable or as plain nutty. Which is good for her, but gives no lessons to the little batches that contibuted to her issues.

Untimately we have to accept that she needs to build on her emotional strength, be bigger than any insults that hurt her and to learn that such actions by other parties is more an issue for them than her.

Cahms people are very nice, understanding and positive that she will recover and learn from the whole sorry experience. Time will tell.

We have managed to find her a weekend shop job and she is really looking forward to that, the pay is cr4p but the 'new' experience for her will hopefully give her an alternative outlet for her energy. Mixing it up with the retail world of dealing with customers and having to play being grown up should be a positive personal growth thing.

I still find it an alien concept that we are not allowed to know the content of the discussions she has with the Cahms people, it's hard to let go and even harder to trust a 3rd party even if they are the so called professionals.

Small steps, but progress.

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Thanks so much for posting this, Chri5. We've shown the thread to Master P and talked round it, assured him we're here for him whatever is said by people outside the family. Fingers crossed for him.

Fingers crossed for your daughter, too. Don't worry about the CAMHS stuff; Mrs P is a counsellor and does some work for teen kids (through a different organisation though, not CAMHS) and the confidentiality is quite routine. It must seem odd to you at first, but it's important in allowing her to open up to the counsellor. She needs to know she can say absolutely anything she wants to the counsellor and it will be ok.

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Bloody hell, Chri5, what a horrible story ! I hope you, your daughter and family come through this OK. So sorry for you.

My eldest has been wittering on about getting FB for a while now, she does exceptionally well at school but I've resisted so far because I've been worred about the potential for bullying (esp as she starts to out-perform her peers who are starting to make some narky comments). I am (if that's OK) going to show her your original post to explain why I'm worried about it, I hope that it might do some good.

Chin up, I'm sure you'll get through it +++

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Thanks for sharing Chri5. Our thoughts are with you.

Hideous situation to be in, and one I would wish on anyone.

With FB and cyber bullying, people don't know when to stop accessing it and delete the account(s). Sometimes, it needs to be done.

Our eldest is 15, and on FB. I know many of her friends drink a lot, but she has told us this and other stuff - which is good. I think it means that she'll be able to talk to us about stuff - which this is all about.

How did your son react to it? - if you don't mind saying.

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I think one way of keeping tabs, is to insist that if they are to be allowed a Facebook account, they must have you in their friends list, and if they delete you, the account will be closed.

That way, they can still message people privately, but you can see who is posting what on their 'wall'.

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Sorry to hear Chri5, I had a friend do the same at Uni. Luckily, I was there to get her to a hospital and make sure she got the help she needed, short and long term. I can't imagine how it feels to be the parent though, but don't think any blame can be taken.

With the rise of Faceache etc. we're going to see more of this. The learning curve for parents is going to be steep as this is the first generation that can't fight back in the face of the bully or run away. The above friending idea is a start, but what about their friends' walls, DM's etc?

It's amazing how little of what happens at school (socially) really matters long term. The only school friends I've kept are a very few that I was very close to. At the time, you feel that you'll know everyone forever. The world is a big place for these few morons to get lost into. That's the lesson I think that needs passing on.

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My eldest has been wittering on about getting FB for a while now, she does exceptionally well at school but I've resisted so far because I've been worred about the potential for bullying (esp as she starts to out-perform her peers who are starting to make some narky comments).

Our youngest kept asking (9) but has been told the very earliest she'll be allowed a Facebook account is at 13 - and even then it'll be based on us having access to it.

There are children in her class who have been on FB since they were 8.

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Our youngest kept asking (9) but has been told the very earliest she'll be allowed a Facebook account is at 13 - and even then it'll be based on us having access to it.

There are children in her class who have been on FB since they were 8.

Our middle daughter at 9 had an account. We found it and got her to delete it. Thought you had to be 14?? But then again you can always lie on the form.

The eldest daughter has wifey as a friend, so she/we can see what goes on.

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Our son doesn't know and being away at Uni I wasn't going to phone him.

Secrets are dirty things, I think he should be told and Mum thinks he shouldn't. I cite the example that he's at home and we're out, and that he needs to know should there be a issue or friction (which there always is between brother and sister). Wife thinks it serves no purpose and will only lead to him wanting to roam the streets hunting with a baseball bat.

We have 3-4 weeks before the Easter break, lets see what progress there is between now and then.

Again thanks for the kind words.

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