Calm Chris Posted July 31, 2012 Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 Best I've had this week was Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had been overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they popped into the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didnot want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said...... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted July 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 Or this [TABLE=width: 100%][TR] [TD=colspan: 2]A girl stows away on a ship. Three days later she is found and taken in front of the captain. (Liverpool accent) "What are you doing on my ship?" he demands. (Polish accent) "Well I came to UK to work as waitress but I meet this nice boy from Liverpool. We fall in love and we decide to go to USA and make family so I stow away on ship. Now we have very good arrangement; he bring me three meals a day and in return I let him f*** me!" "Well you're certainly getting f***ed!" replies the Captain, "This is the Birkenhead ferry". [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] [TABLE=width: 100%] [TR] [TD] [/TD][/TR] [/TABLE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted July 31, 2012 Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 People often say to me, "Hey you!... What are you doing in my garden?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m4ttm4son Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. "What are you doing with that hammer?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 I went to the RSPCA offices today. Damn it's small, you couldn't swing a cat in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonC Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 What black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. apologies for any offence incurred during the making of this joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 What do you call a sheep with no legs and no head? A cloud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m4ttm4son Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 What's brown and looks like a stick? A stick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m4ttm4son Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 That one's so old it's evolved from "What's brown and sticky?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 I don't know. What's brown and sticky? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonC Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 You beat me to it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 I don't know. What's brown and sticky? A poo. :dung: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 Can we ban Mook from joke threads please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 Can we ban Mook from joke threads please? Sorry, I don't get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 Sorry, I don't get it? Neither does Mook apparently! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted August 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 [TABLE=width: 100%] [TR] [TD=width: 100%]Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 2:21 pm[/TD] [TD] [/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=colspan: 2][/TD] [/TR] [TR] [TD=colspan: 2]I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover[/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malagus Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 It's been a tough week. Dumped my girlfriend as she text me saying she was 'really into Alan', and now i've been diagnosed as dyslexic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted August 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 [TABLE=width: 100%] [TR] [TD=colspan: 2]A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, IT will not rise again for another whole year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge stiffie, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, > > > > > > > > > "What did you say '123' for? [/TD] [/TR] [/TABLE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booster Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 How ironic: Our first gold medal is for women reversing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eldavo69 Posted August 1, 2012 Report Share Posted August 1, 2012 I've got something they can reverse onto! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted August 2, 2012 Report Share Posted August 2, 2012 How ironic: Our first gold medal is for women reversing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eldavo69 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 "Doctor, my wife and I have been married for 10 years now, and she is starting to get a bit 'loose' down there from all the action. Do you have any recommendations?" "Well, have you tried using the 'other' hole?" "What? And risk getting her pregnant?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eldavo69 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 That awkward moment when the police turn up at your door and say "Sorry to bother you again, Mrs McCann, but we'd just like to have a look in your loft, please" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 That awkward moment when the police turn up at your door and say "Sorry to bother you again, Mrs McCann, but we'd just like to have a look in your loft, please" Thats not remotely funny. **** off to sickipedia if you think that's a joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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