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Jokes please, not read or heard any good one's for a while


Calm Chris
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Best I've had this week was

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had been overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they popped into the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didnot want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.' "

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Or this

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[TD=colspan: 2]A girl stows away on a ship. Three days later she is found and taken in front of the captain.

(Liverpool accent) "What are you doing on my ship?" he demands.

(Polish accent) "Well I came to UK to work as waitress but I meet this nice boy from Liverpool. We fall in love and we decide to go to USA and make family so I stow away on ship. Now we have very good arrangement; he bring me three meals a day and in return I let him f*** me!"

"Well you're certainly getting f***ed!" replies the Captain, "This is the Birkenhead ferry".

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[TD=colspan: 2]A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned, IT will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge stiffie, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks,

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"What did you say '123' for?

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