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Housekeeping / Rent v Man boy


Calm Chris
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Lad is 21 finished Uni and has been at home three months.

Finally he has found some f/t work, all be it minimum wage bar work. He doesn't want to take a serious job yet and we are all happy that even with the bar work he will have to slip in to the adult mantra of work routine.

So we were chatting and I mentioned the dreaded house keep money, and suggested (what I though was a modest amount) that 20% of net would be reasonable.

That upset him (poor little darling) and he said I was being unfair and cited the fact that none of his mates still at home and working, gave any of their income to parents as housekeep.

On one side I accept that we earn far more than he will and can afford to support him, on the other side I think youngsters need to understand value / money and the realisation that everyone working has outgoings that dilute the amount of 'free' net income.

We went though the debate (more an argument from his side) about the cost of him living outside the family home and how the expected contribution was very, very modest compared to living in a house share with food and bill costs.

He now says that I'm being unfair and unreasonable :confused:

How would you deal with the hiatus?

Edited by Chri5
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40 hours @ week @ £7/hr? £14k/yr? So £12,330 net (according to the internets), or £1028/month. 20% of that is £205.

I'd explain that £200/month would barely cover his food bill, never mind rent/utilities/council tax. Show him your bills so he knows how much things cost in the real world and he might realise that £200/month is not so bad after all.

Then after making him sweat for a bit, I'd give him a break and tell him £160/month. The £40 isn't going to make a huge difference to you and the compromise shows you're prepared to listen. He's showing a lot more willing than some kids, ie he's prepared to go out there and work, even if it's for minimum wage. Any extra shifts/overtime he works are his to keep.

Ultimately, the cost of having him living with you is only really his food as all the other bills would be there anyway.

And you get £160/month beer money :D

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And as far as paying board goes, I agree with it 100% for the reasons you stated.

My first full-time wage as a 16 year old (back in 1987 :grin:) was £50/week and I paid £15/week board which was way too much in my opinion....

In the 2nd year of my apprenticeship, I was on £80/week and my board went up to £20/week.

However it stopped at £20/week until I had finished serving my time (mine was a 7 year apprenticeship) and was on about £15k/year and I moved out shortly after that.

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Tricky.

I agree with Milo that a fixed amount is preferable to a variable % on the basis that he keeps any extra; given the principle you would have to be mindful to keep the amount at a rate he will make weekly.

After that I guess it is a question of perception and I am sure you have been all round the houses with him but perhaps stress it is not so much him "paying you" as him being a wage earning member of the household maturely contributing to the running of the household like any other....?

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Of course he should pay something. If he thinks you should be helping him out, then he's right - but you are because the £200 is far less than it would cost him to arrange it himself. He'd also have to do all the cooking and cleaning himself.

Will he buy it if you suggest that all he pays you goes into an Account, towards a deposit on his own flat, when the time comes?

That's not a bad idea +++

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I was pleased to be paying rent when I moved back home after uni. I had a job and thought it entirely reasonable. I think the amounts you are talking about seem fair and I agree with Milo's reduction. I'd not tell him you were keeping the money back though (if indeed this is what you plan to do) since he then thinks the money is only for his benefit and that isn't the point I think you are trying to make.

Alternatively, get him to pay for all his own food, consumables (washing powder etc), proportion of bills etc and with any luck it will come to way more than £160 a month. Plus, paying rent means it is less of a shock when it comes to moving into digs with mates. The buying his own food etc is probably an administrative nightmare though.

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So you paid for your own wedding :grin:

Wifey and me had different opinions on this, she's content to allow him zero contribution where as I'm not. As has been mentioned the money would be saved and added to the £15k or so we have already set aside for him to help out when he does fly the nest.

The sad thing is he is very likely to simply spunk the wages on beer, tattoos, and general lads stuff.

I think I'll let it be for the moment and see where he is post Christmas. By that time I can but hope his big adventure in to the working world will give him some maturity and a possible acceptance that taking all the time and not affectively contributing in anyway (Mum still changes his bed and makes up his room, we still pay for his phone, buy interview clothes, pay for his holidays etc) is wrong.

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Your wife changing his bed at that age is, if I may be bold matey, very wrong.

I guess I've got strong views on this because my brother stayed at home until he was 33. Until that point mum and dad paid for his clothes, did his washing etc etc. They created an environment that was difficult to leave and provided no incentive to either. Dad wanted to give him the hard line, mum was the push over.

At one point his "rent" was reduced to £1 a month - and even that he failed to provide so in the end it was nowt. All the time I was paying rent, he wasn't.

He decided to set up his own business which was admirable, but when it died on its ar5e he spent far too much time flogging a dead horse rather than moving on - the home environment is to blame for that.

I'm still pretty annoyed about it all despite the fact he is now out of home, in a rented place, coping fine and loving independence. His flat is a sh1t hole though, student living which, at 34, is a bit sad really. We really are chalk and cheese!

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I was going to mention depression actually mate. My bro got really depressed and I maintain it was the environment. No self worth, no money, no incentive to pull his effing finger out. My bro's case is clearly an extreme case but a good illustration anyway.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - now Free the Squirrels from their shackles.

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Couldn't disagree more! :roflmao:

I paid board and resented it and still do.

They're your kids and I see my duty to support them where I can until they flee the nest.

I will never ask for a contribution. To do so if it isn't needed doesn't really teach financial responsibility - it just creates friction and barriers. If it is needed, which I know isn't the case here, then perhaps it could be approached differently.

Yes they'll not get their own place for that money, but do you want them to move out yet anyway? I know we don't.

So an firm no from me. Pointless to penalise your own kids. Lessons in life don't include removing monies from offspring on minimum wage in my book (or any wage in all honesty). I'm not a soft touch, I just don't see why it is necessary to take money that isn't required. I don't get it.

All said without the intention of offending too, as posted on FB.+++

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I'm a firm believer that you don't really notice an increase in your spending power but you do notice a decrease.

If you don't take board from him then he'll quickly adjust to his level of spending power and be back at zero by payday every month. So when he does want to move out he'll find it extremely difficult going back to a lower amount of available cash.

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I just spotted something - you pay for his phone/clothes etc etc.

Well why not start slow - and allow him to manage his own finances? Your phone, clothes, holidays are your responsibility etc -

As to my wedding - it cost a blinking fortune (only son and all that +++ ) with ~1k guests abroad and then another bash here for 400 people. I didn't even pay the lion's share of it!

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And as far as paying board goes, I agree with it 100% for the reasons you stated.

My first full-time wage as a 16 year old (back in 1987 :grin:) was £50/week and I paid £15/week board which was way too much in my opinion....

In the 2nd year of my apprenticeship, I was on £80/week and my board went up to £20/week.

However it stopped at £20/week until I had finished serving my time (mine was a 7 year apprenticeship) and was on about £15k/year and I moved out shortly after that.

The worst part of this post is that I now know I am older than Milo.

Balls :smashfreak:

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When I was earning properly, as I YTS'd it for a bit, I paid a contribution, £20 a week and I paid for any phone calls I made on the landline. The trouble I had was I spent to my limit. If I got a pay rise at work it was weekly, I knew that the £20 a week i got was £80 a month. I could now go and buy a new MTB on 18 months 0% for that. What I failed to account for was the unforeseen. Car needs MOT or repairs and I don't have it spare because its all gone. So Mum & Dad stopped taking the £20 until i was straight again. I wouldn't have survived 'outside' of home and am eternally grateful for their support. I expect they'd still be at it now if they were still with us.

On the flip side of that, as a young child, i had to work either on the farm or in my grandparents beach car park. I got paid a few pounds, saved money and bought BMX stuff that my Dad wouldn't always fork out for so the value of money was always there for me. I knew his 'long sock' as he called it wouldn't always pay, although we did lie to my Mum a lot when he did buy new bike parts. Bless him.

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I'm with the get him to pay something lot, sounds like he needs to start learning about fiscal responsibility, adding it to an existing sum to be used as a deposit is ideal. As others have said (been there myself) at that age, you just spend what you've got and need to learn some control.

If it's going to cause real tension then postpone it for a later review. But definitely stop making his bed, make him buy his own clothes (interview or otherwise), pay for his own phone bill and unless he's going somewhere with you his holidays too. HTP.

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When I was earning properly, as I YTS'd it for a bit, I paid a contribution, £20 a week and I paid for any phone calls I made on the landline. The trouble I had was I spent to my limit. If I got a pay rise at work it was weekly, I knew that the £20 a week i got was £80 a month. I could now go and buy a new MTB on 18 months 0% for that. What I failed to account for was the unforeseen. Car needs MOT or repairs and I don't have it spare because its all gone. So Mum & Dad stopped taking the £20 until i was straight again. I wouldn't have survived 'outside' of home and am eternally grateful for their support. I expect they'd still be at it now if they were still with us.

That's a good point, the "rent" provides a degree of cushion in that you're likely (?) to be more forgiving than other creditors if he has an unforeseen issue.

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With my eldest starting her appoship, we have got her to pay for her monthly phone contract.

This resulted in her researching and finding the best deal for her Note II (on Orange). So the responisbility has changed already, and she is now thinking about HER money before buying stuff. Normally she'd be asking us for this and that, but not now.

She is on low money now, but when she is in the 2nd year, we'll get her to pay for more. She buys her clothes and lunches though.

She is starting to save money too.

Maybe Chri5Jr can pay for his phone and show you he is saving some money too, rather than pay 'rent/upkeep'?

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My guy instinct is contribution (I paid £80 month when on my first years salary with a take home of £490).

However it does depend on the individual. If my kid was saving for a house deposit/something else sensible then I wouldn't charge.

If they were treating it like a hotel with a bottomless pit of food, beer, etc and then going out blowing all their money then I'd be asking for a contribution.

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