Twinspark Posted March 1, 2014 Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 OK, I can't really hide from it. I have had a traumatic week which made me focus a bit more on what I have, friendships built (both real life and online), and made me come back, after a period of being a stubborn git with a 100% focus on work. Cutting to the point, I don't really know how I should be feeling right now. As in the title - grief, anger, denial, frustration? I had a phone call at the start of the week to let me know my mum had died. 'Deceased' was what the policewoman said. After my initial outburst of emotion, it turned out she'd hanged herself. Now, this isn't the first time she's tried to kill herself since my dad died - twice before she'd taken an overdose and been found / called for help before it killed her. The first time, I nursed her back to health in our home, whilst trying to hold down a full time job. The 2nd time, a mental health unit looked after her. Funny thing is, I've barely shown any emotion since. I've had the odd tearful moment - but I just generally feel a bit hollow and 'meh' about it all. I know nobody can tell me how to feel - and I'm sure it'll come and go over the next few months, coming to a head when I have to sit in court for the inquest... but it just feels wrong right now. Maybe I'm just relieved that she's achieved what she wanted - obviously she had her reasons and she's now released from her demons - she'd not been the same since my dad passed away, and had additionally suffered health issues. I'm a little drunk, slightly tearful, and just feel a bit lost right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Jesus mate, that must be tough to deal with. No words of advice I'm afraid, but thoughts with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylander Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sh*t. I am really sorry to read this T_S. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuprabob Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 My god, really sorry to read this. Nothing I can say really other than my thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M8CKN Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Shit. Echo above, really sorry to read this. RIP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Busby Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Really sorry for your loss TS. You're right in saying that nobody can say how you should feel. You certainly shouldn't feel bad for feeling any particular way at all. Grief affects different people in different ways at different times. All you can do is react to how you feel at any given moment. I'm sure you'll have tearful, reflective, melancholy, etc, etc moments over the coming weeks and months - they are all the 'right' way to feel Thoughts are with you and RIP to your mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Don't worry, it'll come and it'll be a rollercoaster... Positive thoughts and wishes from Down Under. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimdiesel Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 So sorry TS. I cannot comprehend how you must feel, but hard as it seems don't try to understand and process what has happened straight away. Time will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Hope she can rest in peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that TS. In answer to your question, there's no right or wrong feeling. You'll probably go through all three (and others) at various times and in various orders. It will settle over time, though. I've been through similar stuff, it's one hell of a ride but you'll get there in the end. Thoughts are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eldavo69 Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Bloody hell, that is a lot to cope with. Sorry to hear about everything that's happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy_Bangle Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sorry to hear about that. Hopefully she has now found peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Death of a close and loved person is never easy. Sons and Mums have a special sort of bond as you are likely experiencing, it is different to when you dad passed. There no real cure, other than time. There is a level of closure when the funeral is out the way, but memories will hold and you have to learn to live with those. Try to block out the negative, the anger, frustration and concentrate on the positive. No one had a mum like yours, she was special to you, she loved her family and that includes you. What she did wasn't intended to hurt anyone else, I'd guess she missed you dad so badly that she just couldn't live without him. She's finally at peace, she might well be back with your dad and her sorrow, hurt and pain has gone. It's times like this when any feuds with other family members has to stop. You all need to support each other and show respect for your mums memory and all the brilliant things she did for you all. Hopefully you can have a wake that is a celebration of life rather that the depression of death. Take each day as it comes, get busy with the organisation of her wake, ask relatives to copy pictures you may never have seen, ask relatives to recount stories of good bygone times. Try to seek solace on to the good elements of her time on earth. If all else fails, time is a great healer- even if that sounds corny, it is true. If you are religious go see your priest, at a time of someone's passing they can be very supportive and will be able to offer comfort. Edited March 2, 2014 by Calm Chris 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 I err, don't really know what to say if i'm honest, other than to echo the sentiments above. That's about as shït as it gets really, and puts other 'issues' firmly into perspective. Really sorry to hear that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 The first thing I want to say is you have my deepest sympathies. How you deal with something such as the circumstances you've described isn't something I can offer any advice on. I wish I could. The second thing though is that we all deal with bereavement in different ways. Some fall apart in tears, others isolate their emotions and grieve quietly, others display anger. Some pour out their loss in weeks and months, others let it quietly but deeply seep out over years, even decades. There is no right way. You will find your way and it will be the right way for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve2 Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 My condolences to you T.S., , a close friend of mine has just told us his dad passed away this morning, a very sad day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 It's as we all get older. A very great, old friend of mine called me to say his dad had died last week. He was a lovely bloke. Yesterday I found out his mum had passed away on Thursday. Nearly 50 years with both his parents and in one week, both gone. Like TS, he must be numb. Funeral next Friday for both of them. RIP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arch Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sincerest condolences. Not a lot more I can add that's not already been said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 I cannot begin to comprehend how I would cope with losing both parents so relatively young. All I can offer are my condolences and echo of the thoughts already expressed above. What I have learnt is to allow my emotional response to "stuff" to run its course, to ride the wave and try not to worry about why and how I "should" react. The hard part is dealing with the destructive forces of anger and guilt. All part of seeking closure, an explanation in rational terms - when often there isn't one. You need to grieve, but you may need to let those other emotions play themselves out first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drpellypo Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Mate - that is truly shocking and awful news. I can only echo what has been said above. I also nursed my mum back the health after several suicide attempts. It was a truly awful time and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. My thoughts are with you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotty Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 TS - I was totally shocked reading your opening post. I can't comprehend how it must have been to receive that news from the Police. My sincere condolences. Don't rack your brain about whether you should be feeling this or that. You just end up with a head spinning like mad. Take you time and you'll cope in your own way. Best wishes. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinspark Posted March 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks for all the replies. It does help. Tomorrow is a big one... We are going to the house to make a start on sorting things. Body will be released with death certificate by Wednesday, hopefully. Then we can organise the funeral for next week. Both parents now gone and I don't hit 40 until next month. My 30s have been mostly shit... 1 near dismissal, 1 redundancy, both parents died and a fecking massive heart attack. Let's hope life does begin at 40... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruiser647 Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Geezer, so sorry to hear your news. Not sure what to add or say apart from I certainly hope your 40's are much better for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Well TS, you've got a 40th birthday party to get sorted. Have a big bash or go away somewhere nice. It will get your head thinking about something else. And my 40's have been great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Tomorrow is a big one... We are going to the house to make a start on sorting things. That's hard. Take it slowly. Bit by bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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