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Scottish Sex Survey

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Sex survey of a typical Scotsman.

This years social survey examines the sexual habits of a typical Scottish man.

Our experts recreated a typical Scotsman's night of passion.


Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac – 12 pints, a fish and chip supper and three pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing: Love (or as he says to himself, "ma nookie").

His lust is at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard nights dominoes. He approaches his beloved entreating her with gentle persuasive words of passion - "any chance o' ma hole?".

The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onion bits sticking to his chin is, at first, somewhat reluctant.

This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply - "away tae feck, ya bam".


Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-Fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing with the skid marks down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "ere we go, ere we go ere we go".

Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant eight incher. [This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.]


After twelve pints sometime our mans "Wee Willie Winkie" is a trifle reluctant to extend itself. Impotence is very much a blow to his self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "ya useless b@stard", or possibly "this ne'er happens tae the milkman".

Oral sex is a great favourite with the Scotsman and he approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation "How d'ya like tae get yer teeth roon this?". The woman nods willingly and points to her wallies smiling happily in the bedside tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but dinna disturb me".

Unperturbed by this slight rejection, he dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication here can often lead to problems.

The man may emerge from below the covers with a face like a wet tomato and a pointed but tender rebuke, "Ye bastarrrd -Ye coulda telt me it wis yer bad week".


Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again the alcohol induced double vision can be an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.

Sometimes he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation.

This phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "o feck, av shot ma load".

If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Scotsman possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "bogeys, shite, @rsehole".

His woman is understandably rendered speechless by this.

The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. His woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling.

Sometimes she utters words of encouragement, such as "are ye sure it's in?".

Given this level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless "ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man".

Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, f@rts and falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig. There's no male in the world who can perform quite like a Scotsman on a Friday night - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

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Ae! Just ye watch yer back when ye're near me ye fecker!

Scotland, the lad of the enlightened, and the terminally wet.

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