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Thorburn

A Friend In Trouble

18 posts in this topic

Big dilemma.

One of my best friends has been going out with the someone for just over 2 years now and over the last 6-9 months shes been acting very strangely.

Talking to some of her friends today I found out that she'd basically stopped talking to me because her boyfriend had demanded that she did (we had a bit of a thing before she started seeing him, but I've never tried anything or even properly met the guy).

In addition shes now wanting to move up to Scotland as he got fired from his job in Somerset (for stealing from the tills, although he denied it) and then moved back into his parents in Scotland as he couldn't find a job that he really wanted to do down in Somerset (he's now working in a cinema).

I knew he did drugs in the form of cocaine and various pills (along with being a borderline alcoholic, since moving up to Scotland he's already put his dad in hospital after an arguement while drunk) but she'd always been dead set against them but now found out that when she was drunk he'd given her some form of E, and when she was upset because of him leaving he gave her a pill which she still has no idea what was in it to calm her down which fecked her up pretty badly and made her ill for a few days.

The problem is I'm really scared for her, she used to be the nicest girl you could ever meet but now shes just completely insular, doesn't talk to any of her friends in Somerset and barely ever comes out, when she does she lies and says I wasn't there but he calls her constantly and has made her go home in floods of tears in the past.

I really want to talk to her and try and disuade her from moving as he's going to lead her on a path of total destruction and frankly I'm terrified, but I'm also worried that any words against him is just going to strengthen her resolve.

Any advice would be more than appreciated frown.gif

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Probably not what you want to here - but she is a grown up and is responsible for her own actions.

It is not your responsibility.

As a therapist once said to me 'you are not here to save other people - you're not Jesus'

Heres hoping she gets herself sorted out.

beerchug.gif

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[ QUOTE ]

he gave her a pill which she still has no idea what was in it to calm her down which fecked her up pretty badly and made her ill for a few days.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe play it on that angle... He clearly doesn't have her best interests at heart.

All the best beerchug.gif

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I'm with soulboy on this one, its not your business, i know you just don't want to see her hurt but in my opinion and experience she won't thank you for interfering, all you can do is be around for her if she needs you.

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I agree, all you can really do in a situation like that is let her know that you will be there for her. She'll realise in time, bit like the story in Forest Gump! crazy.gif

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Agreed, there's very little you can do to intervene - sadly, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

If you get involved, she'll just think you're interfering/jealous/spiteful etc. If you don't, you run the risk of her being hurt. But she is an adult and has to make her own mistakes.

Let's hope that if she is as intrinsically sound a person as you think she is, that she will make the right choices. Of course, there is also the hope that he will sort himself out.

Just let her know that you will remain her friend and will be there for her if she needs you - that probably says enough IMHO.

Good luck.

Another James

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Her behaviour sounds typical of someone into the drug scene. If her boyfriend is into it then it's likely she will be, even if only to a lesser extent. If so, she won't take much notice of you - In her eyes you're now just a straight guy who wouldn't understand her pleasures and who isn't cool (all from her viewpoint only).

Not much you can do and as others have said, you can't save everyone from themselves. Smoking weed won't do her any harm (less harm potentially than alcohol imo) but the other stuff is not good.

Writing a letter to her is the best you can do - She can read it more than once and it's less confrontational. Be there for her if she reaches out.

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You could try telling her that if she moves away and it happens to not go well she can rely on you to be there if she needs a friend.

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[ QUOTE ]

'you are not here to save other people - you're not Jesus'

[/ QUOTE ]

"....now take those sandles off and get yourself a shave...."

Sorry, couldn't resist.smirk.gif

Good advice though.

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Grown up she might be but everyone needs friends. My best friend is a girl and NOTHING would stop me from looking out for her and ensuring she was safe. If it meant "interfering" or putting my point across till the cows come home then that's what I'd do.

That's what friends are for.

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[ QUOTE ]

As a therapist once said to me 'you are not here to save other people - you're not Jesus'

[/ QUOTE ]

Funnily enough a few of my friends used to call me Jesus when I had long hair and a beard about a year back.

Written her a letter. Not expecting to hear back.

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[ QUOTE ]

Grown up she might be but everyone needs friends. My best friend is a girl and NOTHING would stop me from looking out for her and ensuring she was safe. If it meant "interfering" or putting my point across till the cows come home then that's what I'd do.

That's what friends are for.

[/ QUOTE ]

If someone asks for help, or will be prepared to listen to you - then thats fine and I woould do the same.

But in this case, it sounds like that is not the case.

I think you have taken the best option with the letter

169144-ok.gif

PS I wonder what Lotties professional spin is on this one?

PPS The therapist told me that 'Jesus' comment - as I have a 'rescuer' personality type. It has stuck with me though.

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Well I fecked up...

Funnily though after hearing what she had to say, I'm not that bothered.

936289-hating-stuff-to-make-yourself-look-interesting-is-not-interesting.jpg

post-6279-13791437543_thumb.jpg

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Dont think you fecked up.

Any normal person would appreciate the chance of a helping hand.

If she is so off course that she cant see that - then bollox to her. 169144-ok.gif

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Lottiefox is the one that may give an opinion on what you've said.

My dealings with my staff tell me she is being "dominated" by this chap and needs to get away from him.

He has influence over her and it will be hard to break it.

He sounds a good for F**k all Bar stuward and scotland would not be far enough away for my liking.

If you get involved be carefull. NONO3.GIF

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This is coming from someone who did coke, pills and other stuff for 5 years. She needs to get away from him, he is a paranoid wreck and has already convinced himself that she is unfaithful and mugging him off. I bet he sits there on the nights she goes out from the moment she leaves winding himself up about what she is doing, by the time she gets in he will be in a right snot and will kick off for no reason.

If she is not able to see this then she is totally smitten with this guy and will stick by him no matter what until something forces her to leave, there is nothing you can do so just be there when she needs you.

There is only one other option and that is scare the living shite out of him and make him leave her, she will probably find out though and hate you for it, and you have to make sure you do it so he knows you are not fecking around so it is a no win situation for you, but, it may just save your mate.

Depends how much she means to you really, horrible to see friends caught up in this scene and it go from a bit of fun to taking over their lives, but so many do and they don't even realise how badly it has got them in one way or another. I have mates that have either finished with gear and doing really well or those that are still working a couple of nights behind a bar at 35 but that's all they want as it is all for the weekend, then there are those that are just living for the next hit and do sod all and are an absolute mess, and finally a couple are dead!

One of my best mates is dead because of the story you are telling above, he just to be completely paranoid of his girlfriend going out and getting off with someone else. He used to sit there and make up these stories in his head about what she was doing while out, by the time she got in he would tear her to pieces. One night she came round mine in tears, he had smacked her FFS!!!

I ended up outside with him fighting in the street trying to get him to calm down, just what I needed down my little street with all the neighbours watching.

When he calmed down he eplained he new was paranoid and winding hinslef up, I told him I understood as I used to be the same, he said he felt better and swore he would quit the junk. Next day someone I know called who lived next door to him, he had pulled him down from his garage rafters and just managed to save his life.

A few weeks later we had a long chat and he said he was so riddled with guilt after hitting her he couldn't face anyone so had decided to end it all.

A few weeks later I got a call from the guy who had pulled him down, he had beaten her up again the night before and that morning he had hung himself.

Why did she stick with him?? Becuase she did love him, when they were together alone she said he was fantastic to be with, and as one of my best friends this was the only side I saw of him so I understood that, she knew he had problems, but it took he nearly a year to realise that she should have left him ages before all this happened.

Seriously, there is nothing you can do or say, just be there for her when she needs it, he may move up to Scotland, knock all the gear on the head and they could end up being really happy.

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I agree with gIzzE but would add one thing: You have to possibly face the hard fact that your friend may have something in her that you cannot change and which might always stand in the way of your friendship with her. In other words, you have to be able to move on for your own sake. Friend as she is, she clearly has weaknesses in her character which are best avoided - Otherwise she simply wouldn't be in this mess. Having said that, I do realise that we all have weaknesses in our characters.

Be there if needed but don't get too involved and be prepared to leave behind....Don't do anything to compromise your own life and happiness.

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[ QUOTE ]

Be there if needed but don't get too involved and be prepared to leave behind....Don't do anything to compromise your own life and happiness.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I've to my flat in Portsmouth and she's off to start uni at Derby soon so managed to do that at least smile.gif

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