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Mattchaps

Is this really 9 years down the drain?...

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Ok, so hear goes (I'll keep it as short as poss)

9 years ago, when I was a mere 14 years old, I met a girl who very quickly became my first proper girlfriend. She too was 14 and was new to the boyfriend/girlfriend scene.

A year passed and we were still together, amazing. Then another, and another... Granted we had tests on the way, but came through each and every one, stonger and more in love.

In 2003 we bought a house together (at the age of 19) and with all the freedom this brings, our happiness just grew and grew.

I had plans to get engaged in May this year, and to get married in May next year (be it on our 10 year anniversary).

But,

A few weeks ago a couple of her mates said they had a relaxing break in cornwall booked, and she too could go. Now with her 4 weeks holiday already booked she said no, but after we talked about it, I said that if she could get the time off unpaid, then we should be ok and she could still go... and that she did.

She returned last friday and all seemed well. We had spoken during the week and everything appeared normal.

However, she broke down in tears on saturday and after a bit of questioning she admitted to having slept with someone else.

After getting over the anger, I just can't help but wonder why? After 9 years, without a hint that either of us would ever cheat, why/how could she do this to me.

I am trying to work things out. She said she hates herself for doing it, and loves me, and would never ever do anything like that again. I've never seen her cry so much, she was almost sick. I really want to believe that it meant nothing, it was a drunking mistake.... but i can't stop thinking about it, over and over again.

what can i do, what would you do if you were me... this is open to discussion to its fullest as I havne't a clue!

And yes i do still love her, but that doesn't help forgetting something like this.

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Very sorry to hear that mate. frown.gif

I had a very similar thing happen to me in my younger days, and it's painful. Things didn't work out for us and we went our separate ways, but every relationship is different.

My concern was that you met very young and have only been with each other for that time. Human nature is inquisitive and it's only natural to want to experience life, as difficult as that can be.

Sex is the ultimate betrayal, but it only that (sex). If you feel there is anything left to fight for, then don't try to dwell on the act. If you feel the relationship is worth saving then you need to work on the positives, the good times you've had together and the life you have built.

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Mate, that's a toughie. frown.gif

But I'm with Dave, she's probably curious (aren't you occasionally?), she was probably egged on by her mates, she was probably drunk and she probably did have a major major error of judgement.

And she sounds like she really is desperately desperately sorry.

You sound like you have a great life. If this really is a "one off" then I really would hope you could put it down as "one of those things" and move on.

Different if she'd been having an affair behind your back, but this sounds like a load of calamitous circumstances that came together in one big hit.

And it does sound like she really regrets it, which should tell you all you need to know.

Very best of luck mate.

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Probably the wrong thing to say but if it was me and I regretted it I'd have kept quiet about it.

But then sometimes we do the silliest things to get caught and prompt change. frown.gif

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I disagree with CabGirl. Relationships are all about trust. She broke it in a drunken state and that's not forgettable although it maybe forgiveable.

The key question is regardless of whether she would ever do it again, would YOU be able to trust her? Unless you can have 100% trust in her going forward then you'll never have a happy relationship. If in time you believe you can trust her wholeheartedly then maybe it's worth working for.

The reason I disagree with Cabgirl is that whilst admitting it is gonna cause you hurt, to me it shows that she couldn't live with the guilt and dishonesty of not telling you. That skeleton would always have been there. Now it's out in the open you can (possibly) rebuild and move on.

I don't condone what she did at all but in the cold light of day and whilst sober she'd definately done the right thing. It's actually the admission that probably means you have something worth working towards saving. If she hadn't said anything then although you'd have been in the dark, she wouldn't have just had a stupid drunken one night stand but she would also have been a liar and in my book that's where the relationship loses it's foundation.

Good luck. I'm not sure whether in your shoes I could forgive and move on. I hope that I would but I'm not sure. I pray I never have to find out.

Good luck.

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[ QUOTE ]

Probably the wrong thing to say but if it was me and I regretted it I'd have kept quiet about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

....I'm having difficulty not being extremely rude to you after reading that! Such behaviour is, in my opinion, very deceitful and shows you cannot be trusted - At least, not by me.

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Male pride can be a foolish thing too. It's a real hard one. Are you the kind of person that can genuienly 100% let it go or would the thought keep coming back, like did she enjoy sex more with the other bloke even though it was a drunken fumble. Open questions like that are a nightmare.

Personally, the foolish alpha male in me would not let it drop and if I were your age, I'd probably think seriously about continuing the relationship. I don't even like my wife talking about people she's been out with in the past so we talked and agreed not to discuss past partners.

Problem for me is that one particular guy is local and has a distinctive number plate and just opens up a wound each time I see it. What I'm saying is, don't be like me, forgive and forget (the bit I struggle with) if you can but be sure it will not haunt you. If you need to know all the details to make this decision, then that's a heavy discussion you need to have, but do it soon. Take care.

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I agree wholeheartedly with Dave and Ari. You are both relatively very young and it's totally natural for either of you to be 'curious' about sex with others.

The point is that she felt guilty about it and cares enough to tell you rather than hide it and be deceitful. If you still love each other, your relationship will probably survive and may even be stronger in the longer term.

However hurt you may feel, don't forget that she also is feeling great hurt over what she has done and that she loves you enough to have told you. Her telling you shows she's a good character deep down.

Hope this helps,

Robin

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I think it is definitely worth another try. 9 years is a lot just to walk away from.

Have you asked what made her do it???

What were the circumstances???? Drunk? Friends egging her on?

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[ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]

Probably the wrong thing to say but if it was me and I regretted it I'd have kept quiet about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

....I'm having difficulty not being extremely rude to you after reading that! Such behaviour is, in my opinion, very deceitful and shows you cannot be trusted - At least, not by me.

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't say I had done such a thing but life can be complicated and some things are best left. 169144-ok.gif

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I actually agree with CG on this one. If I'd been her and I'd done something really dumb then I'd have lived with the regret and kept my mouth shut and vowed never to do it again. Everyone makes mistakes, why destroy someone elses happiness and peace of mind and a good relationship?

However, and contrary as this might sound, I think Scotty puts it perfectly here:

[ QUOTE ]

I don't condone what she did at all but in the cold light of day and whilst sober she'd definately done the right thing. It's actually the admission that probably means you have something worth working towards saving. If she hadn't said anything then although you'd have been in the dark, she wouldn't have just had a stupid drunken one night stand but she would also have been a liar and in my book that's where the relationship loses it's foundation.

[/ QUOTE ]

Fact is she did tell you, and that means it clearly really mattered to her that you didn't have secrets, and that she doesn't want skeletons in cupboards, but wants it out in the open. Which must have been awful for her and a very painful thing to do.

I don't know either of you, and only you know whether you can go forward living with this, but if you can, I think your g/f has done her very best to try and put things right and is clearly massively upset about what she's done and I think that is really worth something.

And in fact, oddly, it may be that therre is now less (or no) chance of her doing it again now she's seen and felt the pain of it all...

Really hope you can work through this one mate. crazy.gif

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Thank you all so much, just reading your opinions has made me feel better.

As many of you said, because she told me this should mean that she is truely sorry, and that she didn't want to hide this from me despite knowing what the outcome of telling me could be.

We are going to try and put it behind us, but I have told her that only time will tell. I can't be sure that this isn't going to slowly eat at me day in, day out.

I would be lying if I said I have never been curious, but I have never followed through with any actions on my thoughts. Nearest I got was going to a lapdancing club grin.gif nevertheless, I went home and told my g/f where I had been. Ok, she wasn't too impressed but I was 100% honest with her and she was glad that I had told her.

We shall just have to wait and see, but I really hope that time will heal us.

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Being honest and communicating are two essential and fundamental things for a good relationship. It sounds like you will both heal 169144-ok.gif.

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[ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]

[ QUOTE ]

Probably the wrong thing to say but if it was me and I regretted it I'd have kept quiet about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

....I'm having difficulty not being extremely rude to you after reading that! Such behaviour is, in my opinion, very deceitful and shows you cannot be trusted - At least, not by me.

[/ QUOTE ]

I didn't say I had done such a thing but life can be complicated and some things are best left. 169144-ok.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

....You clearly stated that you would have kept quiet and so it's reasonable for me to assume that that's your attitude or intention. Okay, to give you the benefit of the doubt, you might not have kept quiet if it actually happened. But somehow, to be honest with you, your posts don't convince me. However, we both know it matters diddlysquat because we aren't having a relationship with each other - It's just different opinions etc. cool.gif

169144-ok.gif

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It' all about trust mate. Do you feel you could trust her again. Could you let her go out with her friends without it being an issue? Will you have to know where she is, what she is doing, who she is with all the time now? Will it make you become jealous and or posessive? If the the answer to any of these is yes, then the trust has been cracked, and let me tell you that without trust, you can forget it. Sorry to be brutally honest, but i disagree that it's juts about honesty and forgiveness...

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Everybody is allowed one mistake IMHO. Put ot both behind you and move on, with the understanding that if it were to ever happen again, the relationship is over!!!

I have a friend who has a very close relationship with his girlfriend and they both say, "if it's not for sale, don't put it in the window." Meaning that, they never have overnight stays, holidays etc 'apart'.

Booze is really wicked stuff, add in a girly night out, an absent partner and a pub/club atmosphere, it's an accident/mistake waiting to happen.

Good luck mate.

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It's down to the individuals. I'm sorry, but sleeping with someone else is a serious betrayal. Not just a 'mistake' in my books... a mistake is forgetting to do the washing up or being flirty. Having sex with someone is something i couldn't personally forgive. It's a breach of the most important and basic trust. Each to their own though i suppose. But as for having done it once, and not doing it again, that's rare. If the ingredients to allow someone to cheat were there in the first place, guaranteed, they'll come up again... and if they don't you'd be forever worrying that they could.

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I've never been in your situation but I've just read the thread fully and I thought I'd throw my 2p in.

As Scotty said, it is down to whether or not you could 100% trust her moving forward. Relationships are built on trust and if you can't trust her, you will go mental every time she goes out with the girls - if you let her!

I would like to say I would let her off and plough on ahead, but if I'm totally honest I'm a bit of a paranoid when it comes to relationships and I wouldn't be able to do it. However, if I were you and you are able to, I'd probably see how it went for the next 6 months and see how the trust things goes, and then see how you feel.

9 years is a long time to throw away, if you have it in your heart to 100% forgive her and that's what you want to do (which I'm guessing you do) then in my opinion do it. However if you can't 100% totally forgive her, don't waste your time, as it's only you you're going to drive mad if you don't trust her.

I hope it all works out bud 169144-ok.gif

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What were her supposedly 'mates' doing at the time?

I presume they know you and your circumstances really well. They obviously did not look out for her - or if they did, they did not do a good job.

They need telling off.

She told you, so that is a very good start. Work with it and carry on. If it continues to eat at you for a very long time, then you might be best to move on.

Good luck!

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Reading it again and the new posts I think in this situation I would do the following.

Give it my best shot at moving on and rebuilding.

However only time would tell if I was able to get the trust back. It's gotta be worth giving it a go to find out. If it's not at least you'll know. If you don't try you'll spend the rest of your life wondering.

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[ QUOTE ]

Reading it again and the new posts I think in this situation I would do the following.

Give it my best shot at moving on and rebuilding.

However only time would tell if I was able to get the trust back. It's gotta be worth giving it a go to find out. If it's not at least you'll know. If you don't try you'll spend the rest of your life wondering.

[/ QUOTE ]

I totally agree Scotty, and that's what I'm going to do. Give it a few months and see how I feel, if it's no better then, well I will be moving on.

Damn, the thought of being single scares me.... don't forget I've been with her since I was 14 crazy.gif

Hopefully it won't come to that.

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Cheers Steve

I'm just down the road from you in good old Ashford! If you're ever in town and fancy a drink... I make a cracking cuppa grin.gif

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[ QUOTE ]

It's down to the individuals. I'm sorry, but sleeping with someone else is a serious betrayal. Not just a 'mistake' in my books... a mistake is forgetting to do the washing up or being flirty. Having sex with someone is something i couldn't personally forgive. It's a breach of the most important and basic trust. Each to their own though i suppose. But as for having done it once, and not doing it again, that's rare. If the ingredients to allow someone to cheat were there in the first place, guaranteed, they'll come up again... and if they don't you'd be forever worrying that they could.

[/ QUOTE ]

....I think that you are absolutely right in the context of an older couple who have had relationships with other people before their marriage. I'm just no so sure it's not worth them giving it a go from what has been posted.

My ex was unfaithful....Tried to cover it up and deceive me....I divorced her even though she then pleaded with me not to. For reasons exactly as shark and others describe. No regrets - quite the contrary 169144-ok.gif.

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good luck mate. 9 years is a hell of a long time, especially from 14yrs... give it a go, u have time on your side, just remember though, you have to be able to get that trust back... all of it... oh, and the comment about her mates is spot on... what the hell were they doing???

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