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Mattchaps

Is this really 9 years down the drain?...

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Cheers Steve

I'm just down the road from you in good old Ashford! If you're ever in town and fancy a drink... I make a cracking cuppa grin.gif

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Matt, I was in Ashford this afternoon wink.gif as i went to Ripple Spas to get some new filters for my tub.

Then i popped into the outlet centre, on the way back i was pushing on a bit sekret.gif(M20) when i saw blue flashing lights in grille coming up behind me very rapidly frown.gifand i thought Bo**ocks but he just sailed straight past 169144-ok.gif

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Not far from where my ex used to hang out, her family has a place out in Otterdon (spelling?) so I've been to Ashford a fair few times, I'm sure things will be ok in the end, you two sound good for each other and this is just one of those growin up hiccups that all relationships at some stage or other face. Fingers crossed for you 169144-ok.gif

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If it was me, which its not, I'd be moving out today.

That may sound harsh, but as was mentioned above it IS the ultimate betrayal and whether it is a personal weakness of mine or not...I know I'd never trust nor feel the same about the person again.

I feel for you though. 169144-ok.gif

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Listen Matt. Whatever you do, you have my understanding. Neither option is the right (or the wrong) one, so whatever you do is all you can. Crack on with your chosen path and forget the incident as best you can, look to the future, and give it your best shot mate. If she's with you (and I kinda hope she will be) then it's because she wants to be.

Not a nice thing to happen to anyone, but you can't help it now.

Go on lad. Get on with life! 169144-ok.gif

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This exact same has just happened to my sister, Matt. All I can say is that you and your other half are the only people who actually know how you should deal with this, and our opinions mean nothing. WHat's right for some is wrong for others. In my sisters case, they discussed why it happened, and they are getting on with things. No, it's not easy to forget, but it is possible to work through it. Bare in mind, that something like this really can happen to anyone. All it needs is a situation where one becomes compromised.

I do really hope you can both get this sorted, and you know you have the support of us.

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[ QUOTE ]

If it was me, which its not, I'd be moving out today.

That may sound harsh, but as was mentioned above it IS the ultimate betrayal and whether it is a personal weakness of mine or not...I know I'd never trust nor feel the same about the person again.

I feel for you though. 169144-ok.gif

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Although it's not a popular move, I think I'd be sorely tempted to join Mr Me on this road as well. I'm not the type to get in the least bit jealous but this is something I personally would have a major problem with - I would be 100% faithful and would expect the same in return. To me, anything less is giving the bird to everything a long term relationship stands for (and it's future).

In these circumstances I would be worried since it does take a fair degree of effort to be so p*ssed that you 'can't stop yourself' or don't know a thing about what happened. Any less drunk and I think I would be even more worried since it's bordering on wilful IMHO.

However, none of us are actually in your particular shoes so my view would be listen to what's being said on here and then go and lock yourself away/sit on a hill on a sunny Sunday morning/whatever and think the whole thing through until you decide one way or t'other (at least for the short to medium future).

My view is that you have to consider:

1] Are you 100% happy that this is the only time this has happened?

2] Would you feel sufficiently confident to let the Mrs out in the same circumstances tonight (or any other night) and feel completely happy that nothing untoward would go on?

3] Can you really block the incident out and/or use it in such a way to make the relationship stronger?

4] Would you never be tempted to do the same, given what has happened?

If you can answer yes to the first 3 and no to the last one then you still have a chance, otherwise it's Flush.gif I'm afraid.

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Matt, I'm really sorry to hear this. What a horrid situation to find yourself in. frown.gif

I think that only you and your partner can decide how you want to deal with this and what to do. You're the people that matter and you're the people that know each other better than anyone. I guess she has been brave in telling you but equally she has betrayed you and I know how sickening that must make you feel and how hard it is to move on, in whatever way you decide.

I'd just say a few things:

Don't rush into doing anything. Big gestures and emotional decisions usually aren't the best ones. Take time and talk and see how you both feel. But, don't stay in something because you are scared of being on your own. Being on your own and liking yourself and not going to bed at night wondering if the person lying next to you is cheating is worth far far more. You do move on, you do learn to love again and you can feel happy. If you can't trust her again then I would say that is a worry. I've been in relationships where I've doubted and where I've been lied to and its lethal. But, she has been honest and in many ways that says a huge amount about just how she loves you. A contradiction in some ways, but it would have been easier to never tell you. But to me, telling you is far more worthy of respect and trying again.

Good luck, go with each day and see what it brings. What will be will be, and you will see the sun again no matter how dark it feels now. 169144-ok.gif

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But, she has been honest and in many ways that says a huge amount about just how she loves you. A contradiction in some ways, but it would have been easier to never tell you. But to me, telling you is far more worthy of respect and trying again.

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Absolutely.

Feck me, everyone makes mistakes, especially when there's alchohol and peer pressure involved.

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True. Alcohol, being young, temptation, curiosity. The more i think about the situation, the more i can see how easily this came about. IF you both had previous relationships, i'd say it would throw a different light on things but with the both of you growing up together and not knowing what it's like to be with someone else. I guess it was bound to happen.

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Damn, the thought of being single scares me.... don't forget I've been with her since I was 14 crazy.gif

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I've been with my other half since we were 16 (shame i'm over 30 now).

Good luck & I hope it works out

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[ QUOTE ]

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But, she has been honest and in many ways that says a huge amount about just how she loves you. A contradiction in some ways, but it would have been easier to never tell you. But to me, telling you is far more worthy of respect and trying again.

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Absolutely.

Feck me, everyone makes mistakes, especially when there's alchohol and peer pressure involved.

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I don't necessarily disagree with that, but a cynic might argue the admission is a nice way of relieving her own self guilt right now.

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If you love her, let her know and work through the problem.

What I or others think is irrelevant to the relationship you two have together.

I'd use the issue to put a fresh angle on your lives together. There's no fire without fuel and although she may have been tipsy, drunk, stoned (whatever)- what was the attraction and possibly what is / was wrong with your relationship that she allowed such an event to occur?

After 9 years, unless you are constantly exciting, off the wall and innovative life could have become a bit staid.

Use the event to reinvent / reinvigorate your relationship and with some work the outcome will be a stronger, better life together.

One moment of stupidity, shouldn't cause your world to implode. Being strong, candidily honest and forgiving should help 169144-ok.gif

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Wow, what can I say...

I was in 2 minds as to whether to post the events to you lot, but I'm so glad I did.

We are going to work at it and hope for the best. I'm sure whatever the outcome is, it will be the right one. As for now, I'm going to forget about it the best I can and do everything I can to make sure this is what we both want.

Thank you all for your opinions, believe it or not, they have made this easier to deal with.

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That's fantastic mate, very very best of luck.

Bizarrly, if you can get by this it could very well make your relationship much stronger. It's easy to take things for granted, but both of you having stared down the barrel of seeing it all implode might make you both more determined not to take it for granted and to work harder at it.

Plus, for her, finding that the grass, rather than being greener on the other side, is actually very bitter might make her certain that she never wants to taste it again.

The only final thing I'd add is that you do have to completely let this go now. No bringing it up in future fights or whatever or it will gradually become a wedge that drives you apart.

Deep breath, let it out and let it go. For good.

I really do wish you both all the best and really hope it works out for you.

beerchug.gif

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We are going to work at it and hope for the best.

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Good luck mate 169144-ok.gif

Don't throw 9 years away without at least trying - do you feel you can live without her? Let the answer to that question be your motivation for the next few weeks...

All the best wink.gif

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Ok, so hear goes (I'll keep it as short as poss)

9 years ago, when I was a mere 14 years old, I met a girl who very quickly became my first proper girlfriend. She too was 14 and was new to the boyfriend/girlfriend scene.

A year passed and we were still together, amazing. Then another, and another... Granted we had tests on the way, but came through each and every one, stonger and more in love.

In 2003 we bought a house together (at the age of 19) and with all the freedom this brings, our happiness just grew and grew.

I had plans to get engaged in May this year, and to get married in May next year (be it on our 10 year anniversary).

But,

A few weeks ago a couple of her mates said they had a relaxing break in cornwall booked, and she too could go. Now with her 4 weeks holiday already booked she said no, but after we talked about it, I said that if she could get the time off unpaid, then we should be ok and she could still go... and that she did.

She returned last friday and all seemed well. We had spoken during the week and everything appeared normal.

However, she broke down in tears on saturday and after a bit of questioning she admitted to having slept with someone else.

After getting over the anger, I just can't help but wonder why? After 9 years, without a hint that either of us would ever cheat, why/how could she do this to me.

I am trying to work things out. She said she hates herself for doing it, and loves me, and would never ever do anything like that again. I've never seen her cry so much, she was almost sick. I really want to believe that it meant nothing, it was a drunking mistake.... but i can't stop thinking about it, over and over again.

what can i do, what would you do if you were me... this is open to discussion to its fullest as I havne't a clue!

And yes i do still love her, but that doesn't help forgetting something like this.

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|lways remember that there is someone out ther with bigger problems than you. my mate came home from work early last year to find his mrs in bed with 2 coppers and the gitls from next door in a 4 some. unfortunately he found out that they we coppers after they were admitted to the hgh depndancy unit and the local hospital and now is looking at 2 attempted murder/manslaughter charges as well as dealing with her infidelity (and her apparent desire for lady love).

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I think Jon may have been pissed when he wrote that, but what you read is true! His mate was meant to be staying down south and he couldn't sleep, so decided to head home instead and arrived home to find his wife in bed with another woman and two blokes all having a "happy" time.

He did what many blokes would do and made a mess of the two blokes, who turned out to be 5-0.

They're now trying to send Jon's mate down. Shame, as he's a nice bloke by all accounts.

EDIT: I must say though, the post was randomly placed and I don't think it was meant to offend!

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yup was pissed. possibly a little insensitive on my part. was just trying to say chin up it could be worse but kinda cocked it up. although i would like to point out i've just been dumped out of an 8 year relationship and i haven't been happier

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Sorry to hear this Matt, but as much as everyone can give their opinion, its your relationship, and each one is different. As I always say if you are meant to be together no matter what happens you will, through thick and thin.

Keep smiling, keep your chin up and all the best - It will all turn out right in the end, what ever course your relationship takes 169144-ok.gif

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Matt,

Definitely work on it mate! Strange as it sounds, things like this sometimes make relationships stronger!! She obviously loves you very much and it must have been extremely hard for her to pluck up the courage to tell you about it.

I think the fact that she told you shows you that she is honest and wants to work on things with you.

Best of luck mate 169144-ok.gif

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You are owed big time, so things can be made even in your mind. Ask her for a threesome with her best looking girl mate, tell her this will put your mind at rest and all is forgiven. laugh.gifsmlove2.gif

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Hmm, I had asked in the past but got told where to go... bike.thumb.gif

Would seem like blackmail really. I'd prefer it if she was actually up for it, then she'd enjoy it too coffee.gif

Things have settled down a bit now, maybe moving on might not be too hard although I'm sure the odd reminder will still make my blood boil. FIREdevil.gif

Still, I've found something that takes my mind off it a little... a nice little lap dancing club which I now include as part of the lads pub cruel on a friday night... well, it keeps me happy grin.gif

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It's not that cruel. lads actually enjoy pubs and lap dancers

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