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Split from my partner of 10years need advice


collease
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No kids. The family was meaning her parents and brother. They seem to have taken this harder than i have.

I love this forum because of all the people. No matter what is posted there is banter there are arguments but there is very rarely any ill feeling between people. It's so good natured and to be honest it makes for a great environment.

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I have a feling this is going to be a long post so feel free to ship.

I know how it feels Collease having just split up with my other half. We weren't together as long as you were, just over 3 years for us. It came to an end on Thursday night and it was entirely my decision.

I had always known that she would want marriage and kids and at the same time I'd always known that I wasn't going to give her either. I don't know what my issue is with marriage, I have load sof married friends who are very happy but it just isn't for me. Kids, well, no offense to any parents reading this but I can imagine little worse than being told I was going to be a father. I've never been one for cooing over babies, getting near them, holding them, wiping up their crap and so on. It just isn't me. She on the other hand absolutely loves kids and I'm sure she'd be a fantastic mother.

So even knowing from day 1 that I wouldn't give her what she ultimately wanted we got into the relationship and I was a very, very happy man. She's a lovely, beautiful and funny woman who enrichened my life when she entered it.

We wet to a friends wedding last month and some friends were there with their baby. I didn't want to get involved with the baby byt she couldn't keep her eyes off her. When she got to hold her I saw her eyes light up. It was then that I knew things had to end. I couldn't keep things going knowing that we wanted different things.

It has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever made and even though it doesn't feel like it now I know deep down that I've made the right decision. So it all ended on Thursday night. We hadn't spoken during the week (she lives 60 or so miles away) following an argument last weekend so I called her, told her, and that was that.

Thanks to the marvels of Facebook I've already had sh1tty messages from her friends calling me a heartless and cruel so and so, asking how I could do that to someone I love. It's because I love her that I've done it. It hurts like hell now but I'm 100% positive that I've done the right thing.

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I have a feling this is going to be a long post so feel free to ship.

I know how it feels Collease having just split up with my other half. We weren't together as long as you were, just over 3 years for us. It came to an end on Thursday night and it was entirely my decision.

I had always known that she would want marriage and kids and at the same time I'd always known that I wasn't going to give her either. I don't know what my issue is with marriage, I have load sof married friends who are very happy but it just isn't for me. Kids, well, no offense to any parents reading this but I can imagine little worse than being told I was going to be a father. I've never been one for cooing over babies, getting near them, holding them, wiping up their crap and so on. It just isn't me. She on the other hand absolutely loves kids and I'm sure she'd be a fantastic mother.

So even knowing from day 1 that I wouldn't give her what she ultimately wanted we got into the relationship and I was a very, very happy man. She's a lovely, beautiful and funny woman who enrichened my life when she entered it.

We wet to a friends wedding last month and some friends were there with their baby. I didn't want to get involved with the baby byt she couldn't keep her eyes off her. When she got to hold her I saw her eyes light up. It was then that I knew things had to end. I couldn't keep things going knowing that we wanted different things.

It has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever made and even though it doesn't feel like it now I know deep down that I've made the right decision. So it all ended on Thursday night. We hadn't spoken during the week (she lives 60 or so miles away) following an argument last weekend so I called her, told her, and that was that.

Thanks to the marvels of Facebook I've already had sh1tty messages from her friends calling me a heartless and cruel so and so, asking how I could do that to someone I love. It's because I love her that I've done it. It hurts like hell now but I'm 100% positive that I've done the right thing.

Burble, i was the same as you, never wanted kids and ultimately it cost me a nine year relationship.

Six months after that I was told I was going to be a father. END OF! ( don't you just love Saturday nights)

I have to be honest, I took it hard.

But as I have said elsewhere my wee girl is two years old next month and I love her to bits and being a father.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not always as bad as you may think. I was never around kids much and like you presumed they would just spoil my fun. They don't. You just get your fun from other places.

Just don't write it off just yet.

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Burble (Andy, isn't it?),

I was also like you in my lack of interest in being married and having children and I respect you for your honesty and believe that your 'ex' may also respect you in time. For the fact is that feeling the way you do, the relationship may have been doomed further down the line and so have worse consequences. It was in my case and I divorced after 20 years but with no regrets. I have one 19yo daughter whom I love deeply and lost a son when he was 4yo but neither were planned, at least not by me, but I still feel the same way about children even to the point of not looking forward to any grandchildren. Most women are hardwired to want babies and marriage is the accepted route to that end. Society tends to make us feel obliged to get married and have a family but it is more truthful to follow your own heart.

Collease is finding it difficult to be alone. We are all different and, if we let it, our human spirit heals through time and we adapt and move on to different lifestyles. Soulboy and others here have found new loves in their lives and it's what they wished for.

Life is strange... You never know what's around the next corner!

Edited by RedRobin
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Burble, i was the same as you, never wanted kids and ultimately it cost me a nine year relationship.

Six months after that I was told I was going to be a father. END OF! ( don't you just love Saturday nights)

I have to be honest, I took it hard.

But as I have said elsewhere my wee girl is two years old next month and I love her to bits and being a father.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not always as bad as you may think. I was never around kids much and like you presumed they would just spoil my fun. They don't. You just get your fun from other places.

Just don't write it off just yet.

I don't know definitely how I would react if I were told I was going to be a father. I did have an ex about 8 years ago tell me she was up the duff and to this day I remember the sign of relief when she told me she'd been lying. I don't feel comfortable around children, can't explain why but I have no desire to have anything to do with them. The exceptions are my 2 newphews who I absolutely adore, they're fantastic kids. I'm genuinely happy for the friends of mine that have recently become parents but my happyness is based on them being happy, not me beign happy at them bringing a child into the world.

This relationship is dead and buried, no doubt about that. She's moved on already and got back in touch with a past fling so she can't be all that bothered either.

Burble (Andy, isn't it?),

I was also like you in my lack of interest in being married and having children and I respect you for your honesty and believe that your 'ex' may also respect you in time. For the fact is that feeling the way you do, the relationship may have been doomed further down the line and so have worse consequences. It was in my case and I divorced after 20 years but with no regrets. I have one 19yo daughter whom I love deeply and lost a son when he was 4yo but neither were planned, at least not by me. Most women are hardwired to want babies and marriage is the accepted route to that end. Society tends to make us feel obliged to get married and have a family but it is more truthful to follow your own heart.

Collease is finding it difficult to be alone. We are all different and, if we let it, our human spirit heals through time and we adapt and move on to different lifestyles. Soulboy and others here have found new loves in their lives and it's what they wished for.

Life is strange... You never know what's around the next corner!

Close, it's Paul :)

My parents raised me to be honest and I was always told that the truth can hurt but that it's best to be honest and that's what I'm doing here. I'm being honest with her and with myself and while I don't like the way I feel now and really don't like upsetting her I know it's the right thing to do. I could have kept the relationship going and who knows how much longer it would have gone on before things came to a head. At that time we would have both invested more of ourselves in the relationship. How could I let things carry on knowing that ultimately I was leading us both for more hurt?

Being alone isn't the issue for me, I'm very happy with my own company. Actually I need my own company quite a lot of the time, there's little that relaxes me more than being on my own and not having to worry about anyone else. That probably sounds very selfish, but I'm not a selfish individual

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I

I don't know definitely how I would react if I were told I was going to be a father. I did have an ex about 8 years ago tell me she was up the duff and to this day I remember the sign of relief when she told me she'd been lying. I don't feel comfortable around children, can't explain why but I have no desire to have anything to do with them. The exceptions are my 2 newphews who I absolutely adore, they're fantastic kids. I'm genuinely happy for the friends of mine that have recently become parents but my happyness is based on them being happy, not me beign happy at them bringing a child into the world.

This relationship is dead and buried, no doubt about that. She's moved on already and got back in touch with a past fling so she can't be all that bothered either.

Close, it's Paul :)

My parents raised me to be honest and I was always told that the truth can hurt but that it's best to be honest and that's what I'm doing here. I'm being honest with her and with myself and while I don't like the way I feel now and really don't like upsetting her I know it's the right thing to do. I could have kept the relationship going and who knows how much longer it would have gone on before things came to a head. At that time we would have both invested more of ourselves in the relationship. How could I let things carry on knowing that ultimately I was leading us both for more hurt?

Being alone isn't the issue for me, I'm very happy with my own company. Actually I need my own company quite a lot of the time, there's little that relaxes me more than being on my own and not having to worry about anyone else. That probably sounds very selfish, but I'm not a selfish individual

I do.t think this is selfish. Everyone is different. Im sorry that you have had to go through this like me but you were honest and upfront with her about your reasons and like you said she has already seemed to have moved on in her way. Myself and my ex decided that it just was not right anymore and as we still got on well together decided it would be better to stop the relationship and try and stay friends. I have not taken it well but I am doing better since starting this post and seeing that others felt like me. I will get past thus and who knows what is around the corner. I just want to say thank you to all that have replied as you have all helped.

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I am doing better since starting this post and seeing that others felt like me. I will get past thus and who knows what is around the corner. I just want to say thank you to all that have replied as you have all helped.

....Good to hear that +++

We're here if you need to talk or unload further (I use the word 'unload' advisably!).

You WILL feel better about relationships - Just a matter of time and unknown future changes.

I'm still waiting for Jennifer Aniston to ask me out.

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Not much I can add that hasn't already been said, I split from the woman I fully expected to spend the rest of my life with after 6 years of what I thought was a happy relationship.

It wasn't easy and I'll fully admit to being a complete wreck for quite a while, at the time it even seemed to be an amicable split, but then I found out a while later she'd left me to go off with a doctor, (she was a nurse) who had then dumped her after only a couple of weeks.

I have to admit that I was secretly over the moon she'd got a taste of her own medicine, but as we were still getting on ok I kept quiet.

I kept getting her mates telling me she'd made a huge mistake, and she really regretted everything, and wanted me back, but the damage was done and I'd never have taken her back, strangely this seemed to help me get over things and I moved on, having less and less contact with her until I naturally stopped seeing her at all.

Some years later I bumped into her best mate who said she'd never moved on and still pines after me, made me feel a little smug I have to say, so I just gave her a picture to pass onto her, of myself, and my mrs, and our children.

Apparently she has since finally moved on and is dating again, I certainly did and couldn't be happier.

If both of you aren't 100% committed to a relationship, it'll never work out, no matter how much the more committed parter loves the other one, so it's best to go separate ways before things get nasty, or people do things they regret.

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This sort of relates to both the problems on this thread (Collease and Burble) and also Tipex post

forecast 1: dull but mild and settled.

My split up was 6 years ago today (Valentines Day 2005)!

We had been together 21 years, (married for 12) and it was her decision and came as a big surprise. I found out later she had being seeing someone else who she later split up with. It seems its often the case when couples split that there is someone in the background who emerges later. Especially with the women.

I have no great feelings for her either way now, as in retrospect we both needed something new. I speak to her whenever I need to and really hope she is happy and she re-married last March, but not the person she was seeing when we split.

If she ever needed a favour doing, I would still always try and help. But I just couldn't imagine myself with her any more - we had both changed over the years. No arguments or rows, just living together, but the spark had left.

It hit me incredibly hard at the time - THESE THINGS ARE ALL ABOUT HAVING TO MOVE OUT OF COMFORT ZONES - but I am naturally a very positive and optimisitic person and started getting to work on a new exciting future.

However, unlike Robin, I prefer to be with someone and had a fair bit of fun 'testing out' some of the other fish in the sea fairly quickly. It was fun :grin:

forecast 2: Scorching sun and huge thunderstorms

By May 2005 I was on holiday in a fantastic 5* hotel on the Atlantic coast of Portugal with the most stunning young blonde. I was certainly smiling again :grin:

We actually stayed together till June 2008 - when a number of disasters hit and we split.

Unlike my ex I have never heard from her since, but hope she finds happiness.

She really needs to have kids to be happy. But when she had a miscarriage, I realised that I was too old to try for kids (44) but she was still only 32 and would have made a great mother and would be better with someone else. I knew long term it was doomed.

It was hard, but I pulled the plug and we went our own way.

A lot of very good memories though and I 'lived' a lot in those years.

It was funny how I had so much stability for so many years then a few years of utter turmoil (divorce / split-ups / robberies / miscarriage / house moves etc).

My current partner has brought the stability back and I have learned a lot from my past. I make much more of an effort, never try and 'score points' or get one up like many couples do.

I accept her for who she is and her little faults and ways just make me smile.

Forecast 3: feeling warm and settled.

:grin:

Edited by Soulboy
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It seems its often the case when couples split that there is someone in the background who emerges later. Especially with the women.

I'm "helping" two friends just now, both of whom have split from their wifes, only to find that they were seeing someone else - for one, it'd been going on for years ! It does seem to me these days that "wow factor" is a big thing in long terms relationships. When the "wow" fades, there does tend to be an ease at which some look to rekindle to wow "off-piste" with a third party. :o

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Hmm, there's a trend in here isn't there. It also matches stories I've heard of old friends or colleagues from the past....

Women seeing someone behind their partner/husbands back.

Before I get attacked from the female side I don't want to tarnish all with the same brush - but I do believe there has been a change in society over the last 10 years and that there are a vastly greater number of women in relationships that are responsible for splits than there ever used to be. Didn't it always used to be the bloke out with his mates getting up to the dirty?

Is it just perception, or is there a real change here? I wonder what is responsible for it? Girls nights out - something I have never truly understood - do they play a part and are women in general just a lot less loyal than they used to be? I'm not saying they are, I'm not laying the stereotype - I'm just asking the question on the basis of what has been said in here and what I do seem to hear a lot more of these days.

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My ex never actually cheated on me, but there was another bloke who she left me for.

In my experience, and that of other blokes I know, is that if a woman ends a relationship, 99% of the time there is another bloke involved, wether it's got to the cheating stage or not.

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Indeed, and one of the people I 'referred' to was in that position.

She'd been 'seeing' another bloke but hadn't slept with him - although she did admit to him that they'd kissed. She didn't see it as disloyal though. In my book, it was cheating.

Even if she was out having coffee with someone and just talking, but hid it and it went on for any reasonable period of time, surely that is cheating? It is cheating a partners trust.

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I'm not laying the stereotype - I'm just asking the question on the basis of what has been said in here and what I do seem to hear a lot more of these days.

MrMe - I'm possibly getting very similar feedback to you ! Does seem to be an increasing trend for the girls to have extra-curricular "fun" ! +++

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I think you are right MrMe. I know numerous relationships that have failed recently - and in all but one the female was seeing someone else.

I can blame 2 side issues:

1. Communications. Its so easy for people to flirt and have a fling with the internet / email / mobiles.

Stupid sites like Facebook, Friends Re-united etc dont help.

2. Womens magazines (Hello etc) They try and convince women that everyone else is in a relationship made in heaven - all fine and dandy and frilly where nothing bad ever happens. They look at their own life and it doesn't match up.

But the main one is that women tend to be more decisive on these things. If a bloke thinks life is ticking along ok, he will probably stick with it.

It seems women can be far more ruthless. If they think the grass is greener elsewhere, they will flick the switch and move on. For most couples I know, they have engineered a 'mutual split' and then someone else appears out of the woodwork later on.

This isnt helped by points 1 and 2!

I am not being sexist here, as at the end of the day its often the right decision all round. They just seem to be more ruthless about it than men if they are not completely happy.

Edited by Soulboy
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I'm another in the camp of cheating wifey!

I was married for 3 1/2 years when my relationship went downhill. She was addicted to work [loved work when i met her, but she moved higher up the ladder and became addicted to it]. The constant texting started to play on my mind as well as the lack of physical attention. I looked at her phone and found a text from a chap who was basically saying he couldn't wait to see her naked AGAIN..............

I loved her to pieces and tried to do anything to save the marriage. She had made her mind up though - she loved me, but had falllen in love with a chap at work that she used to give a lift to every day. She walked out that day and apart from getting a few things, i never saw her again.

I was devastated. Luckily, all my friends helped me through it by keeping my occupied every night. And i got into mountain biking with 2 of them [something i still do and love even though they have given up].

A few months after the split i started dating a girl who lived nearby. 3 years later and we have just had out 1st baby together and are engaged to be married.

I couldn't be happier. Looking back on the old marriage and i can see it was never quite right. She was a workaholic, was very possesive and jealous and we used to have some unbelievable screaming arguments.

I haven't had 1 serious argument with my fiance and i'm sure i've learnt from my past mistakes to make this work.

All the best to those who've had their hearts broken - it hurts like hell short term, but does get better!

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If a woman *admits* to snogging a bloke it is likely she has done a lot more. I also have a story of being cheated on; my ex was seeing another bloke (in a different country no less) for the last 6 months of our relationship. My own fault for not seeing it but taught me a valuable lesson.

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I think you're right, MrMe. I discovered that my now ex wife was having an affair and then after lying through her teeth about it she didn't want to divorce. But once trust is gone that's it. I am on speaking terms and we have christmas lunch together with our daughter but that's all and I wouldn't help her with anything whatsoever except verbal advice if asked. our daughter splits her time equally with us nowadays but was principally with me at first and I am the formal guardian. In my past with girlfriends I was never ever unfaithful to any of them - It's simply not my way. +++

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I like the point SoulBoy makes about magazines and such like.

I can see that angle completely. They're not magazines MrsMe reads (thank god!) but our eldest does and some of the things she comes out with defy belief at times. Some of that will be immaturity in life, without doubt, but she does reference publications regularly now that I come to think of it.

Audi_chick does of course have a point, but it doesn't change the fact that we've got a not unsubstantial number of members in here who were cheated on by their wives (and nobody can blame TSN otherwise I'd have been down the pan long ago!) and lots of people mentioning the same experiences with friends. Women, and I do buy into this, are more empowered these days. That's how it always should have been though. Maybe they're just not putting up with crap they used to (not flinging mud here, just a general comment) but I am more and more inclined to think of the reference SoulBoy made to magazines.

More women working full time - maybe that's another reason - more opportunity to meet others.

Women on the likes of FB during the day rekindling old flames? Perhaps that goes for both men and women...but as we've said before on here I know of someone who was well and truly lost after his wife used FB to set up her exit.

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I think my ex-wife was the same. She has promised me nothing happened before, but she was seen at a nightclub with him.

She moved out, got a room to rent, and then 3 months later 'matey' appeared.

I was not fussed at all, and infact happy some-one took her on. They are still together, married and have a kid. Things between us are OK, and we text about when she will have the kids, but that is it. Matey seems OK and collects/drops off the kids. Thing is, he has my complete thanks and sympathy! :roflmao:

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Women on the likes of FB during the day rekindling old flames? Perhaps that goes for both men and women...but as we've said before on here I know of someone who was well and truly lost after his wife used FB to set up her exit.

The two examples I'm aware of and that I mentioned earlier have been fuelled by contact/correspondence through Faceless.

Some folk seem to believe that Faceless is secure but from what I'm being told, it's not as watertight as some may want ! :rolleyes:

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Adultery is quite commonly a symptom of a broken marriage rather than its cause :coffee:

....Hmm, I see what you're saying but I don't entirely agree. I'd say that adultery is what breaks the marriage. The adulterer, whether man or woman, decides for themselves whether to work at improving their marriage or not. Committing adultery is an act clearly deciding not to. Committing adultery is also a big step beyond any opportunity to repair a relationship. Which came first? - The chicken or the egg? The chick or the sperm? :grin:

I would add that because of fundamentals, the female of the species is usually more inclined to work at and hence stay in a marriage, whereas the male has more of an inclination to spread his seed. I'm not justifying either as reason for divorce.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update

I took part in my 1st Archery session on Friday night. It went well not many people in the group so should make friends fairly quickly as they all seem like a good bunch. The leader of the sesion (steve) knows his stuff and is very helpful. Hopefully they will get some more members when the weather warms up so it should be good. Managed to stop myself from offering advice to other members on how to immprove their technique as i don't want to step on Steve's toes and way of teaching after all i paid to take part in his group.

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