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Grief / anger / denial


Twinspark
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OK, I can't really hide from it. I have had a traumatic week which made me focus a bit more on what I have, friendships built (both real life and online), and made me come back, after a period of being a stubborn git with a 100% focus on work.

 

Cutting to the point, I don't really know how I should be feeling right now. As in the title - grief, anger, denial, frustration?

 

I had a phone call at the start of the week to let me know my mum had died. 'Deceased' was what the policewoman said. After my initial outburst of emotion, it turned out she'd hanged herself. Now, this isn't the first time she's tried to kill herself since my dad died - twice before she'd taken an overdose and been found / called for help before it killed her.

 

The first time, I nursed her back to health in our home, whilst trying to hold down a full time job. The 2nd time, a mental health unit looked after her.

 

Funny thing is, I've barely shown any emotion since. I've had the odd tearful moment - but I just generally feel a bit hollow and 'meh' about it all.

 

I know nobody can tell me how to feel - and I'm sure it'll come and go over the next few months, coming to a head when I have to sit in court for the inquest... but it just feels wrong right now.

 

Maybe I'm just relieved that she's achieved what she wanted - obviously she had her reasons and she's now released from her demons - she'd not been the same since my dad passed away, and had additionally suffered health issues.

 

I'm a little drunk, slightly tearful, and just feel a bit lost right now.

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Really sorry for your loss TS.

 

You're right in saying that nobody can say how you should feel.  You certainly shouldn't feel bad for feeling any particular way at all.  Grief affects different people in different ways at different times.  All you can do is react to how you feel at any given moment. I'm sure you'll have tearful, reflective, melancholy, etc, etc moments over the coming weeks and months - they are all the 'right' way to feel  +++

 

Thoughts are with you and RIP to your mom.

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Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that TS.

In answer to your question, there's no right or wrong feeling. You'll probably go through all three (and others) at various times and in various orders. It will settle over time, though.

I've been through similar stuff, it's one hell of a ride but you'll get there in the end. Thoughts are with you.

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Death of a close and loved person is never easy. Sons and Mums have a special sort of bond as you are likely experiencing, it is different to when you dad passed.

There no real cure, other than time. There is a level of closure when the funeral is out the way, but memories will hold and you have to learn to live with those. Try to block out the negative, the anger, frustration and concentrate on the positive.

No one had a mum like yours, she was special to you, she loved her family and that includes you. What she did wasn't intended to hurt anyone else, I'd guess she missed you dad so badly that she just couldn't live without him.

She's finally at peace, she might well be back with your dad and her sorrow, hurt and pain has gone.

It's times like this when any feuds with other family members has to stop. You all need to support each other and show respect for your mums memory and all the brilliant things she did for you all. Hopefully you can have a wake that is a celebration of life rather that the depression of death.

Take each day as it comes, get busy with the organisation of her wake, ask relatives to copy pictures you may never have seen, ask relatives to recount stories of good bygone times. Try to seek solace on to the good elements of her time on earth.

If all else fails, time is a great healer- even if that sounds corny, it is true. If you are religious go see your priest, at a time of someone's passing they can be very supportive and will be able to offer comfort.

Edited by Calm Chris
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The first thing I want to say is you have my deepest sympathies.

 

How you deal with something such as the circumstances you've described isn't something I can offer any advice on.  I wish I could.

 

The second thing though is that we all deal with bereavement in different ways.

 

Some fall apart in tears, others isolate their emotions and grieve quietly, others display anger.  Some pour out their loss in weeks and months, others let it quietly but deeply seep out over years, even decades.  There is no right way.  You will find your way and it will be the right way for you.+++

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It's as we all get older. A very great, old friend of mine called me to say his dad had died last week. He was a lovely bloke. Yesterday I found out his mum had passed away on Thursday.

Nearly 50 years with both his parents and in one week, both gone. Like TS, he must be numb.

Funeral next Friday for both of them. RIP.

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I cannot begin to comprehend how I would cope with losing both parents so relatively young. All I can offer are my condolences and echo of the thoughts already expressed above.

 

What I have learnt is to allow my emotional response to "stuff" to run its course, to ride the wave and try not to worry about why and how I "should" react.

 

The hard part is dealing with the destructive forces of anger and guilt. All part of seeking closure, an explanation in rational terms - when often there isn't one.

 

You need to grieve, but you may need to let those other emotions play themselves out first.

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TS - I was totally shocked reading your opening post. I can't comprehend how it must have been to receive that news from the Police.

 

My sincere condolences.

 

Don't rack your brain about whether you should be feeling this or that. You just end up with a head spinning like mad. 

 

Take you time and you'll cope in your own way.

 

Best wishes.

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Thanks for all the replies. It does help. Tomorrow is a big one... We are going to the house to make a start on sorting things.

Body will be released with death certificate by Wednesday, hopefully. Then we can organise the funeral for next week.

Both parents now gone and I don't hit 40 until next month.

My 30s have been mostly shit... 1 near dismissal, 1 redundancy, both parents died and a fecking massive heart attack.

Let's hope life does begin at 40...

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