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peter kay quotes


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1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,

Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I

realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and

asked

him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my

wife to go

swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I

don't get

on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So

I

ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston

Bypass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened

criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different

names.

But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones

may break

my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there

on it

was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is

probably why

he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you

better have

a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My

neighbour

said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made

out of

meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all

nervous and

give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me

neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away

from

things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I

think I've

forgotten this before

1.2 Peter Kay's Universal Truths:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is

when your

pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits

55378008 into

a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to

have a

fire in your back garden.

9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy

ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to

call

your teacher mum or dad.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill

you at

the first given opportunity.

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed

half way

through and then raced against the flush.

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

23) You never ever run out of salt.

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when

you've got

your hand or head stuck in something.

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has

had their

arm broken by a swan.

29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and

stepping on

an upturned plug.

30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin

piece of

wood specifically to stir paint with.

32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

33) Bricks are horrible to carry.

34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

35) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not

putting it

in a fruit salad.

1.3 Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get

undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way

down to

the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you

do is

stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains

for

centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to

a

horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think

I'll

squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,

but

don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a

billion

stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you

there is

wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he

gets mad

at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head

out of

window?

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