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Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of Asylum.

Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition.

Hijack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, the British Taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British Passport. You only need to know one word of English, "ASYLUM".

Prizes include:

All expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week, and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused! ! All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the

magic word: ASYLUM.

Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown goat class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stanstead, where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to their

luxury £200 a night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hostels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations indude the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in historic Bedfordshire

and the Money Tree at Croydon.

If you still do not understand, don't forget, there is no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. Just apply for legal aid! Hundreds of lawyers,social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - it won't cost you a


So, play today. It could change your life forever .

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, COME ON DOWN!!

Be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.

Roll up, Roll up my friends, for the game that never ends. Everyone's a winner when they play ASYLUM


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little

dog, a toy poodle. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant".


The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and wailed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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