Red Bull Racing Charges Ahead, Gets the Horns

[SeanKHotay]

Milton Alan Keyes*, just another dreary day –

In a blow to the newly formed team’s prospects, FIA officially notified Red Bull Racing that its rumored performance enhancements will not be tolerated.

Contacted in Formula One City, Formula One Management parrot Ivanna Lapp-Paraide commented, “Formula One vehicles are strictly regulated. Just because a team has a new owner does not mean Berni...err, FIA will change the rules.”

Off the record but caught on tape, Lapp-Paraide added, “Old owners? That’s a sweeter pickle to be in. Bwaak!”

“But all we want is to make full use of all [new owners] Red Bull can offer,” Managing Director David Pitchfork chaffed in his wheat field. “We don’t propose any rule changes; we just discussed legal additions for some tracks. Red Bull has extensive experience adding aerodynamic devices and can give us these wings for free!”

In a related story, the team’s petition for a fueling deviation was also rebuffed. “For reasons of safety and standardization, all Formula One teams must use the regulation refueling rig,” stated FOM statement representative Norbert Bohring-Racine in an official statement.

Bohring-Racine further stated, “There will be neither dispensation nor accommodation for alternate refueling methods to promote a sponsor, even if they did save Ford’s ass. And I reiterate that FOM will continue to sample fuel for energy and vitamin content.”

“Besides, those little cans would be dangerous in the pits.”

Reportedly, Ecclestone’s response to Red Bull’s petition was, “Is that Ferrari? No? Stuff’em....”

Reached for comment, the Prancing Horse’s scruffy-faced tactical tactician Rost Braun keeled over with laughter at the thought of refueling in 250ml increments.

* No, not the perennial US conservative candidate, just HQ of a team that will perform just as well