Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Hi, not posted much on the forum but thought i would post this to see what everybody thinks... If any of you have partners please feel free to ask them on their views also. Im not too concerned at what peoples views are but i thought it would be intresting to see what they are if any. I wont go into too much detail and will try and keep it short as possible, its always difficult to put feelings into words but i`ll try my best. As many of you know ive kind of been single for awhile and am not really looking for anything short term. Ok here goes... About a month and a half ago my friend invited me to help him work at a house he is doing up, he had a decorater doing the painting etc. Anyway i was in my van and he was in his car, we went to collect her and the moment i saw her i kind of thought she was very pretty indeed.... Anyway we didnt talk much until we were at the house, she was upstairs and my mate said why dont i go up and give her a hand... so i thought ermm ok yeah, eventhough i was alittle nervous and shy. Went upstairs and we clicked, she asked me to help and i said nope... in a playful type of way, she knew i would and the funny thing was, i ended up helping her.... We got on very well indeed but to my dissapointment she had a boyfriend It was on the friday when we first met, the sat came and she wasnt working... she mention she was hungry and i invited her for dinner at a pub... to which she agreed.... only as friends ofcourse. Anyway we went for dinner and it was a very nice, we got on so well, at this point i was thinking, what the hell am i doing... i should get too attatched too quickly. Anyway i dropped her off and she kissed me on my cheek.... right there i knew this was going to get complicated, dont ask me how i knew but she really liked me.. and i knew it. We met up quite alot as i took time off work to work with her at the house.... went for dinner`s etc.... but obviously this was causing problems with her and her bf..... as we got to know each other more and more it became apparent that she had been through alot in her past and that her relationship with him wasnt really a good one. He`s been violent towards her in the past and everytime she tried to leave him, he did the whole guilt thing, crying etc and she just cant seem to leave him, this is before we met... she told me everything and we are getting closer and closer all the time but at the end of the day shes till with him. Needless to say we are very much "in deep" now and have gone past the point of "just friends" neither of us regret it and she now realises that her relationship for the past 4 years wasnt really a fair one and pretty much onesided. Dont get my wrong im not completely heartless, i do feel for him but i dont have any respect of ANY person who hits another and makes them feel the way she does, she feels trapped.... she used to her life and then i come along and make her see other things.... the way we do things, they have meanings and feelings, where as whatever he does seems hollow to her. The problem is that im finding it difficult, i know it may take time for her to trust me 100% and realise im worth the risk but as ive told her, i cant make her leave him.... im trying my best to keep my feelings at bay and for her to deal with the situation, ive never asked her to make a choice between me or him as its not fair. To her shes lived with him for 4 years and had a comfortable life, not wanted for anything etc, just made do with what she has etc... but ive come along and have shown and offered her so much in many different ways, but its love which i feel has open her eyes..... Shes affraid that if she leaves him shes lost everything, she would also have to break ties with her family and not mention me to them for sometime. People around her dont see what hes really like because hes all nice etc, but only she knows what he`s like, and to be honest shes pretty fed up with it. Always cleaning after him, ash everywhere, dirty carpets, his mess all over the house... i know this because ive helped her clean it up quite a few times. Shes not independant as she cant drive and she lives in the middle of nowhere, so shes dependant on his income, which in all fairness isnt too bad. But he spends alot on drugs and fags.... and this has caused many probs for her as whenever she tries to talk about it he shrugs it off like a kid, he also doing discuss feelings with her and whenever she tries to get close to him, he backs away. Shes caught him with pron line numbers too and on a adult dating site.... Yet she still is always there for him...... she was ill a few years back and it was quite bad, she was in bed for 5 days and he didnt turn up once! they brought some flowers to try and make up for it. When he had a accident she was there asap. Just gets me totally wound up as i know i would look after her etc but i cant make her make choices about her life. Theres so many things i could go on about but it just doesnt seem fair She even went on holiday with him to keep him happy eventhough she is very very ill.... we text and talk when we can and she knows i would do anything for her. What do you think folks? Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loddrik Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 You a rat, plain and simple Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 [ QUOTE ] You a rat, plain and simple [/ QUOTE ]Squeek Squeek... come`on Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorburn Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Don't think you've done anything wrong, if anything you've been totally reasonable. Push too hard and you'll scare her off, I guess really you just have to stay close and let her know you'll support her no matter what happens and hope for the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Riz I am by no means an expert on relationships, quite the opposite infact!! The main worry I would have is, is she telling you the truth?? She is cheating on her boyfriend so whats to say that she wouldnt ever do it to you? If what she says is true then you have to do all you can to get her away from him, through work I have seen so many women that stay with blokes that hit them and use drugs It doesnt make sense at all! Problem is, its down to her to break free, she can do it if she wants to! Sorry if that all seems negative Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Not at all, this topic will always have different views.. keep em coming folks... I do feel she is telling the truth and her cheating on him is a big reason why things have gone very confused for her..... She was living her life best she can and then WHAM i come along... she cant help what she feels just as i feel. We never planned this... but he really is a ****er, even her mum doesnt like him... but its wrong that she had to meet me to realise than her life isnt what is seemed.... Now we are both stuck...... trying to make sense. Shes been through alot in life, things i cant say to anybody ever as its way too personal and i respect her wishes. Wish i could just get her out of this life she is in but she can only make that choice and she knows it.... meanwhile she needs me to be there for her. Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 sounds a tough one matey! The most you can do is be there for her and wait to see what happens! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 If she likes you (or loves you), she'd leave him - regardless of the complications. It really is as simple as that. If she won't leave him - leave her be. I sense a sticky ending, and one in which you end up getting hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 [ QUOTE ] If she likes you (or loves you), she'd leave him - regardless of the complications. It really is as simple as that. If she won't leave him - leave her be. I sense a sticky ending, and one in which you end up getting hurt. [/ QUOTE ]Yes but what if shes scared of what he might do to her Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 He cant get to her if she doesnt live with him! and if he did, then the Police get involved! She can make the move if she wants to!! Thats what it will come down to! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Yes i need to be wise about this whole situation..... I will give her time, she knows how i feel........ it can go both ways. 1) She`ll get to know me better and realise im worth the risk, she must trust me 100% to make the move. 2) She`ll change her mind and tell me that all that she told me was a lie. Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 thats the spirit matey She must know how you feel, its her move to make Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 [ QUOTE ] thats the spirit matey She must know how you feel, its her move to make [/ QUOTE ]Yup.... she knows... and i know how she feels... She feels that she needs more time to get to know me better..... Im not going to let this get me down.... Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TriGGa Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 i think you should give her time to be more confident. and then hopefully shell understand how much you like her. theeen she mite finally get rid of him! what a waste!? i dunno how ppl can abuse their partners! its so wrong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 [ QUOTE ] i think you should give her time to be more confident. and then hopefully shell understand how much you like her. theeen she mite finally get rid of him! what a waste!? i dunno how ppl can abuse their partners! its so wrong! [/ QUOTE ]Yes it takes alot for me to get angry but this just ticks me off.... Its just not fair. Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chav Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Stay away mate. A decent person in a failing relationship would leave that partner first, then find someone else. Staying with the wrong person to maintain a lifestyle is cowardly and not very nice at all really! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeilB Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Theres a woman at work like that. She has a husband who has alledgely raped her, followed her to work and out with her mates, shouts and screams at her and she now says she has got a PIN with 999 so if something does happen they instantly know it's her. I don't know why, but something just doesn't add up with her. Why stay with a man who has alledgely done all that to her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 [ QUOTE ] Why stay with a man who has alledgely done all that to her... [/ QUOTE ] Love? It's a powerful enemy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ari Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 Dependance also. But totally agree, seems mad what people are prepared to accept from their partners, and that applies to men too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorburn Posted October 16, 2005 Report Share Posted October 16, 2005 My ex tried to stab me and that still lasted a good 6 months after it happened Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruiser647 Posted October 17, 2005 Report Share Posted October 17, 2005 Hey Riz, could be that because you are the first person who has shown interest in her (listening and being there etc).............that she is liking you? She might be liking the attention rather than the person that is giving the attention. She might be using you (unknowingly) as an outlet for all that is missing in her relationship. Be careful. You sound involved now, but you have to be sure it is YOU she wants, and not the attention & good stuff she has missed out on........ Good luck - he says sitting on the fence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted October 17, 2005 Report Share Posted October 17, 2005 MMmm This is a tough one. Firstly you need to be brutally honest to her as to what you want from her. I.E. a relationship and for things to progress. I know you have mentioned this but make sure you have been very clear. If she reacts strangly to this in anyway... you need to think twice about things continuing. I do have doubts as to why she isn't leaving him but you haven't said too much as to the time frames that this has been happening. Ask her some simple questions, like what does she see in him ? Does she love him and if she does what is it that she loves about him. If the answers to these questions are negative you need to play them back to her and get her to do the same back to you again. She needs to feel and hear what is happening and get her views about it. You could as others have said, be about to go into a world of pain, she could string you on for a very long time. You need to have a point clear in your head when you will walk away if she hasn't made up a decision, otherwise it could start to affect you really badly. I know this sounds cold but you need to protect yourself at the same time as thinking about her. Time will help things but it may come down to making her choose, does she want to stay with him or leave him and make a go of it with you. Keep us in touch with how its going and whats happening but don't forget to thing about yourself. Maybe if things continue to go well make a little bit of distance from her, it might make her think what she might miss if you aren't there, in the same way she is thinking what will she miss if she leaves him. Its very difficult to break off from a long term relationship, she needs to know its not because of her, its just that they don't get on. You can't guarentee it will be better with you, but you want to make a go of it. Good look mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2005 Thank you folks.... well she does miss me and that is quite evident... ive distanced myself for quite awhile and she knows why. She also is trying to hold back and take things slowly when it comes to the time we spend together. Yes i know that i need to protect myself and will have to think about how long im actually willing to wait for her, it will be a difficult choice. I dont want to make her pick between me and him but it might come down to that... I cant rush things and i know time will make a difference, the more we spend time together, the harder it is becoming for the both of us to depart company.... I see it in her eyes and shes been upset at times as have i. I dont think she is using me as shes very worried about me leaving her in the future if she did make a go of it with me... i.e. leaving her for someother nice looking woman, as she says, she isnt very confident about herself and has never been used to effection and compliments. She also thinks that because of what has happened that she doesnt deserve me and that i will think bad things of her because of what she has done to him, affair. I dont blame anybody in life for the choices they make, aslong as they learn from them. She doesnt want to hurt him and she knows she will... but at the same time i will get hurt which is unavoidable. Im going to take things slow and try and protect myself at the sametime, im easing back on the emotions and showing of effection as i feel its for the best at the moment. I will let her think about what she wants, i keep telling her that she should start thinking about what she wants rather than what other people want. Told her to stop thinking about what he and i want and to think about herself for once. Mmmmmm will have to wait and see...... Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danksy Posted October 19, 2005 Report Share Posted October 19, 2005 [ QUOTE ] My ex tried to stab me and that still lasted a good 6 months after it happened [/ QUOTE ] I went on holiday with a g/f once to Turkey she tried to stab me as well I sneaked back in the hotel room, by climbing up the fireescape ladder and shimmying across the window ledge, grabbed my passport. I decided to sleep rough for the night I was going to get the next flight back. I caught up with her in the morning and she downloaded all sorts of poo to me about her past and how she had been on various medication. I made sure she was ok for the holiday, then she didn't see me for dust. Anyway back to your dilemma. For once Audi_Smitten is talking sense Just be natural with her, don't pressurise her and see what happens. Be careful though, if she's so dependent on someone else, could she be a millstone around your neck? Whatever support her in whatever she wants to do, maybe offer to find her a womans refuge so that she can make the first step without having to depend on you, and therefore remove the pressure point. Good luck mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riz Posted October 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2005 Many thanks folks and i will keep you all updated. My plan is to put my feelings to oneside, and just be there for her, i have always left everything up to her and not been demanding etc. Shes already told me that i give her confidence and offer her such a better way of life etc.... its hard to explain but i think that i give her the strength to get things in life, the support to get anything she wants in life etc. Complimenting her makes her feel so much better. I just have to take things as slow as possible. Riz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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