Ronnie Barkers Cinderella

[AntW]

found this one today... can't verify its authenticity one way or the other but its great nonetheless.

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome Hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[Ari]

This one's been doing the rounds. I find it extremely unlikely that it is Ronnie Barkers, too coarse for him.

[danksy]

Agreed mate RB didn't need to resort to coarseness to be a comic genius.

He's probably pissing himself reading this though

[AntW]

found this one as well... definitely Ronnie

Ronnie Barker monologue: Pismronunciation

"Good evening. I am the president of the Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers from

Pismronunciation, for the relief of people who can't say their worms correctly, or who use

the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a bird they are spraying.

It's just that you open your mouse, and the worms come turbling out in wuck a say that you

dick not what you're thugging to be, and it's very distressing.

"I'm always looing it, and it makes one feel umbumftorcacle, especially when one is going

about one's diddly tasks. Slopping at the Sloopermarket, for instance. Only last wonk, I

approached the chuckout point, and I shooed the ghoul behind the crash desk the contents

of my trilly, and she said 'All right, granddad, shout 'em out.' Well, of course, that's

fine for the ordinary man in the stoat who has no dribble with his wolds. For someone like

myself, it's worse than a kick in the jackstrop.

"Sometimes, you get stuck on one letter, such as wubbleyou. And I said, 'Well, I've got a

tin of woup, a woucumber, two packets of wheese and a walliflower'. She tried to make fun

of me and said, 'That will be woo pounds, wifty-wee pence.' So I just said 'Wobblers!' and

walked out.

"So you see how dickyfelt it is. But help is at hand. A new society has been formed by

our mumblers to help each other in times of excream ices. It is balled Pismronouncers

Unanimous, and anyone can ball them up on the smellyphone any time of the day or note,

twenty-four flowers a spray, seven stays a creek, and they will come 'round and get drunk

with you.

"For foreigners, there will be inperpetwitters, who will all speak many sandwiches, such

as Swedish, Turkish, Burkish, Jewish, Gibberish and Rubbish. Membranes will be able to

attend tight stool, for heaving classes, to learn how to grope with the many complinkities

of the daily loaf.

"Which brings me to the drain reason for squeaking to you tonight. The society's first

function as a body was a grand garden freight, and we hope for many more bodily functions

in the future. The garden plate was held in the grounds of Blennham Paleyass, Woodstick,

and the guest of horror was the great American pip singer, Manny Barrellow. The fete was

opened by the bleeder of the opposition, Mister Dale Pinnock ... Pillock, who gave us a

few well-frozen worms in praise of the society's jerk. He said that 'In the creeks and

stunts that lie ahead, we must do out nut roast to ensure that it sucks weeds.' "And

everyone visited the various stores and abrusements, the rudeabouts, thing boats and the

dodgers, and of course, all the old favorites such as Srty your Length, guessing the

weight of the cook and tinning the pale on the wonky. The occasion was great fun, and I

think it can safely be said that all the men present and thoroughly good women were had

all the time.

"So, please join out society. Write to me, Doctor Small Pith, The Spanner, Poke Moses,

and I will send you some brieflets to browse through and a brass badge to wear in your

loophole."