Woppum Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 So three weeks ago I went on a split with my girlfriend. It was an amicable break. I was under a lot of stress and had a few anxiety attacks, one of which lasted for three days! We were having problems before this but this seemed to be the last straw. So we split with the intention of getting back together. We took the time apart to work our differences out and see if we could really make a go of things when we get back together. We had hardly any contact during the break. We spoke on msn a few times and texted very rarely. Now for the first week of the split I was devastated to put it mildly. After 2 years of being together every night, you get accustomed to a way of living. The idea of splitting up and finding someone else just didn’t come in to my mind. When we spoke on msn, the conversations were very up and down. Sometimes we thought when we saw each other for the first time after the split we would know. But on other occasions, she said we are only young, so much can change. I am in a job where I am doing a course at uni as well. I have planned and set my future ahead. I know what I will be doing in 6 months time as soon as I leave. She on the other hand, has no idea what she wants to do. She has been in various temping jobs but none float her boat. She is doing a Biology degree, and is thinking of going in to pharisaic science. I on the other hand will go straight back to work, and will be working very hard. I don’t know how much time I will have spare. I plan on getting my sh1t together quick and becoming successful. It is what I have wanted my whole life… Anyway these were the problems… Until last Friday. I had my first appointment with a shrink to discuss these anxiety attacks I had been getting. I promised her I would call her after and tell her how it went. We had a great covo and I really was thinking we can make this work. Then I hit her with the big guns. I asked her if she has had feelings for anyone else while we have been on the split. She insisted no, and she wanted to get back together. Then I asked her if she had been with anyone else… She replied truthfully she had pulled someone when she was very drunk the Wednesday b4 last. I was in shock. I told her apart from being partners we are both best friends, how could you do this to me espshally when you know what I have been going through. The waterworks came on, but I said I don’t know if I can see you anymore. She replied I need to see you. We had arranged previously to meet for the first time on Tuesday, but I could not wait till then. Ni need to get this sorted now. It took me hours but I drove over to see her. I was angry at first, asked her many questions about why she did it. I never got a clear answer except. I was so drunk I cant remember what he looks like I can hardly remember doing it! That doesn’t help the situation! The problem was when seeing her I realised how much I love her. Unfortunately she doesn’t know if she still loves me. Now I don’t know what to do. I left it with think about our relationship over the weekend and get back to me. I still want this to work. Thing is my best mate called me up after and told me, I have to get rid of her. The way I am at the moment it is not good for me. Thing is I know he is right, but I feel at the moment I cant bear to loose her… Part of me knows I should tell her to feck off but I don’t know what to do… it will be so hard… I don’t ask for help much, but now I need it, any helpful advise would be wicked right about now. Many thanks, Sam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syeldham Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Bad news in a good situation. Have you considered why she was drinking - do you think it was to forget you or forget the fact that she was missing you so much? Maybe she just needed some contact? Don't trust my advice/suggestions on this - I've never got a relationship to work. Hope you can sort it all out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorburn Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Tough times dude and I hope you pull through it all. I was in a similar situation, me and Nicki were best friends before we got together and while we were going through some really tough times she cheated on me after a year and a half of being together. For months I was a complete wreck but it gets easier, you just have to realise that while its hard right now it gets easier, with time you realise things aren't so bad and learn to love again. When she said she wasn't sure if she still loved me then that to me just meant "no but your my best friend and I don't want to hurt you" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Feck you're mate, it's your heart and head that matters, and your obvious feelings for the lady. You could argue that the split, of which part was you, may well have sent her over the 'edge', it seemed to have that effect on you, so she may well have felt the same gut wretching emotions. Emotions, drink and the fact that no doubt she is young and good looking will have meant that the local guy may well have planned the event to a tee. Have a good chat, be calm first and if you guys can get over it, do. Don't become regretful in years to come for a hasty, badly judged decision. Talk, talk and try the same honesty that you have shown here, with her. Oh, and eitherway find out who the scumbag was and have a word Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shark_90 Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Sam. This sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I was in a horrible situation of my own a few months ago and TSN really helped me out then, so I'm sure the guys on here will be just as supportive In my honest opinion, I think you should split up with her completely, and attempt to live your life on your own for a while. It sounds like you have some things you need to get straight in your own life, and you really ought to do that before you start sharing your life with someone. You should be pleased that she was honest with you, and as much as it hurts it's better to know now than 6 months down the line when you think everything is fine. Nothing is harder than doing this for yourself, but that is what you have to do. Do something for yourself. HTH mate. Ben Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pincher Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Echo Sharks comment about her honesty. It would have been all to easy for her to say that she had stayed in every night in front of the telly. Maybe the fact that she admitted what had happened could be viewed as a good thing (in a perverse sort of way), as she obviously still enough feelings for you not to lie? Not sure if that makes any sense or helps in any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ari Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Wopps, it's impossible to give any advice without knowing you or her, other than generic stuff. The only thing you can do is try and have a calm sensible discussion with her and find out how she really feels, and tell her how you really feel. Maybe she got drunk and "pulled" this other guy because she was devastated at the split. Or maybe it was because she was unhappy with the relationship with you and wanted to "break it". Only she can answer that one, and only you can ask her... Good luck buddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 In my opinion it doesn't sound good mate, and i know it's not what you want to hear, but she may not be the right one for you. This is a very similar situation to my first fiancee. I was away at Uni and she started to have second thoughts, she had abviosuly met someone at collage who she had some chemistry with. She wanted me to agree that she could see him.. and we were supposed to be engaged. I made the split with her, which was agony, and within a week she had shagged this bloke and he had then dumped her. I then got all the heart ache from her, telling me how sorry she was, and how i was the love of her life etc, but i had to stay strong for myself.. you can't go through life being a victim. I met my wife at Uni, she was the best looking girl in our year, and i never knew she had the hots for me. Anyway, when she found out i was single she made a move.. and the rest as they say is history! It doesn't help your situation now, as it hurts like hell, and you feel that life will end, but in a fews months you will look back and remember the good times and havesome else who loves you for who you are. Your freinds will help give you a lift.. so get them to rally round. Chin up mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frodo Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Big troubles in your life mate stress at work, stress at home, this is not a good scenario for your health physical or mental. Some tough decisions coming your way what is important to you in life? A career, your health, your ex? Something has got to give and you only have one shot at health. I suffered, probably continue to, with anxiety and it is incredible how it takes over your life. I am now on Seroxat and it has changed my life, I feel "normal" I have met a new, wonderful women, two fantastic kids we get married in April. I have a new house in the country and I have just left my job in the city to work closer to home. Life, for me, is fantastic. Take your time mate but above all do not compromise your health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Totally agree with above (frodo).. you need to decide what is important in life.. and health and happyness has to come out on top. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Another tough TSN problem. Every relationship goes through the odd bump in the road. What you need to think about is is it a big bump or a small one and how much do you want to get over the bump? Small ones often occur and can easily be passed however some hills take some getting through and you need to really love the person to want to get over the obstacle, only you know that. Your friends advice should be taken with a pinch of salt as they might just want more of your time and be a little jealous of your relationship with your GF. Think hard about how the relationship has been and if you think its going to work. Love can fix a lot but only so much, go with your instincts. The pulling things could be a big issue, whether it is or not is for your to think about. Personally its not the best but if as others have said she is being honest then it counts for something. And try to relax about it, I know it will be taking up a lot of your brain time trying to figure out what to do, but try to find time for yourself and make an effort to put the problem to one side for a bit and see how things go. Hope things improve soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woppum Posted October 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 First of all guys I want to say a big thank you. I think i am glad to hear mixed views from you all as it gives me a little optimism. I will now do nothing brash and wait a bit, contemplate the right thing to do. I have no idea why she did it. I can only assume she wanted to see what chemistry she could have away from me. She is very worried we want different things in life. I know we are young and relatively happy now, but a few years down the line when we are in the peak of our careers a break up could be worse... I will wait for her to get in contact with me I think. I know now after what she did the ball should be in my court with what happens now, but unfortunately that is not the way i left it, and i dint want to have to get in contact with her just yet. So it is the waiting game. Stay off msn at all costs and try and get some clarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woppum Posted October 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 [ QUOTE ] Big troubles in your life mate stress at work, stress at home, this is not a good scenario for your health physical or mental. Some tough decisions coming your way what is important to you in life? A career, your health, your ex? Something has got to give and you only have one shot at health. I suffered, probably continue to, with anxiety and it is incredible how it takes over your life. I am now on Seroxat and it has changed my life, I feel "normal" I have met a new, wonderful women, two fantastic kids we get married in April. I have a new house in the country and I have just left my job in the city to work closer to home. Life, for me, is fantastic. Take your time mate but above all do not compromise your health. [/ QUOTE ] Sorry to ask mate what is Seroxat? Is that an SSRI? You can PM me if you want or tell me its none of my business. Its just I have been prescribed something possibly similar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Sam, I just have one question mate. When you said she pulled another bloke whilst you were 'apart', do you mean she actually slept with the other bloke? Sorry if I'm not picking up on the obvious here. If she did, I think it's an entirely different situation to if she just had a drunken night in a club or something, kissing, blah blah. To me, being old at 36, if she actually slept with him then I personally think you have your answer in front of you. You are indeed young, but that's not something I'd get overly wrapped up about. I'd be much more inclined to think that after 2 years, if she could do this, no matter what her drunken state, in a short period of weeks away from you....that you deserve better mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UBM Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Sam, time is a great healer. Sounds like you're trying to get things sorted too quickly. Let time pass and see how you feel. Do other things, meet other people and see exactly how big a piece of your life is missing. Maybe, just maybe, she may make the first move before you, but if things weren't working, I'd be minded to let it go and move on..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markallain Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 Sam Just split with my girlfriend after 8 years and 6 of these living together. This had an element with someone else involved with her. Each relationship is different but all I can say is that at some point you'll know yourself what to do. I still miss my girlfriend but the fact is she is with someone else. I'm still enjoying life and getting out and meeting people etc has been a great help to me. Best Mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woppum Posted October 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 [ QUOTE ] Sam, I just have one question mate. When you said she pulled another bloke whilst you were 'apart', do you mean she actually slept with the other bloke? Sorry if I'm not picking up on the obvious here. If she did, I think it's an entirely different situation to if she just had a drunken night in a club or something, kissing, blah blah. To me, being old at 36, if she actually slept with him then I personally think you have your answer in front of you. You are indeed young, but that's not something I'd get overly wrapped up about. I'd be much more inclined to think that after 2 years, if she could do this, no matter what her drunken state, in a short period of weeks away from you....that you deserve better mate. [/ QUOTE ] No she didn't shag him. If that was the case, I would not be even thinking about this. It was a pull, i.e kissing in a club. When I think about it still, i find it hard to understand how she could do it. I got bolloxed last Wednesday (first night out in a while, dragged out by the mates), i touched a couple of girls bums and was silly but pulling, I would never have done. Its almost unforgivable... I think as some of you have said the only answer is time. I don't want to do anything too soon. Keep away for a while and keep busy, then maybe we shall see in the future. If she does anything in the meantime with anyone, that will be it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylander Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 maybe it was the shock of realising you're a bloke [only kidding - wasn't setting out to belittle your probs dude ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skifly Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 woppum - tough situation but in my opinion i would let her explain how and why she wanted to pull the bloke. Make sure this is not confrontational though and make sure at that moment she sees you as a supportive bloke. she will then hopefully open up to you a little more. Maybe then the conversation will help you realise how you feel. I have been in similar situations (one ex who lived with me was playing around at work and she thought i didnt know - was messy but she was not honest and open. Hence the locks were changed one day...) but all i can say is that you should follow your heart. But dont be fooled by short term happiness such as having her back for a few months etc as it could just be negative - i am sure you will know deep down what the solution is. Try not to lose a friend over it if you can though as that is the one that hurts me about one of my exes (mentioned in another thread a while ago) Hope it all goes well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ari Posted October 30, 2005 Report Share Posted October 30, 2005 [ QUOTE ] No she didn't shag him. If that was the case, I would not be even thinking about this. It was a pull, i.e kissing in a club. When I think about it still, i find it hard to understand how she could do it. [/ QUOTE ] Maybe she wanted to see if she still could. Maybe she was feling rejected and needed some reassurance that she could be wanted. Who knows. Talk to her mate, don't play games, be the grown up... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted October 31, 2005 Report Share Posted October 31, 2005 Wopps, Firstly I am absolutely useless at relationship, hence me being the lonely old B@stard I am Anyway, IMO you should do what makes you happy, if she hasnt slept with this guy then IMO there is no real harm done! You have said yourself that you still love her, then fight for her, get her back!!!! All the best matey!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmj Posted October 31, 2005 Report Share Posted October 31, 2005 Woppum hope you get things back on track soon as there is nothing more distructive than when in a darkplace. Maybe your anxiety attacks (low self-esteem?) are having a negative effect on your girlfriend? Maybe she thinks it is you that has doubts about the relationship and she finds that hurtfull? Or simply, she is young and wants a bit of fun in her life - But obviously still cares about you. Try not to anaylise everything to much though, make some positive changes, try new things to break the rut you may have found yourself in. If the stress of study is too much, take a break for a year, maybe you have set yourself to much of a challenge and feel bewildered by it all? Best thing about the lows is that you appreciate normality! Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frodo Posted October 31, 2005 Report Share Posted October 31, 2005 Woppum, don't mind discussing it in the open as other people may find it helpful. Seroxat / Paroxetine is an SSRI anti-depressant. Make sure you know the facts about these drugs they can be wonderful but they are not without side effects. In the first week or so you may actually feel worse to start with but stick with it. In the worse case a very small number of people can feel suicidal. Once you are on them they can be quite difficult to come off and this needs to be very closely managed. But as I said my life is completely different now I am on them Paul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woppum Posted October 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2005 I started Ciprilax just over three weeks ago, i just wanted to make sure we were talking about a similar drug. This is a relatively new SSRI (just over 5 years old). But the first couple of weeks were pretty awful, felt sick, jaw lock, dry mouth and tired the whole time. But now I feel much better. The doctor said whatever you do keep going at you will start to feel better, and I do. Just really didn't need this problem too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted October 31, 2005 Report Share Posted October 31, 2005 Cipralex is good, and quite a clean drug as anti-depressants go. These type of drugs typically take about 4 weeks before you get the desired effect.. and the side effects to start can be unpleasent such as nausea, yawning, tiredness.. but it does improve after you've been on them a few weeks Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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