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Mental 'elf


Pincher
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The Telephone Answering system at a

Mental Hospital:

Hello and welcome to the mental health line.

If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and know what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn`t, matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969699969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the "star" key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother`s maiden name.

If you have post- traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-o-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have a bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after he beep, or, before the beep after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short- term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short- term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short- term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short- term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short- term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won`t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don`t press any buttons, you`ll just mess it up.

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