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Kraken

Shorties

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A man was enjoying a beer in a neighbourhood pub when he noticed at the other end of the bar a man with a head the size of a grape.

After trying for a while not to stare, he goes over to the guy and says, "Look I'm sorry to disturb you, but how did you wind up like that?"

The unfortunate fellow turned to him and explained: "I was walking on the beach one day when I found an old lamp. I picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie came out. This genie was the most beautiful looking girl I ever saw."

'I've been locked in that lamp for 5000 years,' she said. 'What can I do for you? Anything - Just name it.'

So I said, 'Well - I'd wouldn't mind a little head...'

<font color="blue">A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months.

The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore?

The wife says, "Well for the last 7 months every morning I take a taxi to work. I don't have any money so the driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take an 'or what'.”

"SO then when I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So do we write this down in the book or what?' so I take an 'or what'.”

"To get back home again I have to take the taxi and I still don't have any money so the driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I have to take an 'or what'.”

"So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want "it" any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about it or what?" </font>

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead!

Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick (what else?)

Q: What do Vegetarian Maggots eat? A: Linda McCartney.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog

Q: Why do men fart more than women? A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

<font color="blue">FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £250.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#cking everything. </font>

The difference between a dog and a fox can sometimes be as little as 6 pints…

<font color="blue">

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster.

In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?!"

"Aww C’mon God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

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