News Update

[trackside]

(From newspapers around the globe)

- From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: Would the Congregation please note that

the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary

donations only.

- From The Guardian in Christchurch, New Zealand: Will the person who took a

slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed

as evidence in a poisoning case.

- From The Times: A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable

teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman

commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

- From The Scottish Big Issue: In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each

other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused

Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. 'It was a

lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be,' whereupon Henry Pap

attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to

pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became

involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The

brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.

- From The Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to

Save Prostitutes": The money will not be going directly into the prostitutes'

pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be

training them for new positions in hotels.

- From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologize for the error in the last

edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police

force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a

detective in the police farce.

- From The Guardian: After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30

year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire

Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards.' The Bank has now asked him to close his account,

and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in

his new name.