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The Value of Drink


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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your bra and panties.


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be h appy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.


"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them


To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

- William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

- Ernest Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

- Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. - Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.

- G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

- Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. - Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

- W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. - Anonymous

Here's to beer, so amber and pure not as sweet as a woman's lips, but a damn site more sincere. - Pete’s Wicked Brewery

The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully.

- Pete’s Wicked Brewery

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot.

- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Warning: Germs grow if the blood level gets too high in your alcohol stream.

Warning: Alcohol and calculus do not mix, don't drink and derive!!!!

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

“There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.” - Benjamin Franklin

They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. - Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me, than a pre-frontal lobotomy. - Tom Waits

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000BC

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy chicks. - Ross Levy

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The Bottled's Prayer.....

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

and lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,


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Are We Going to Search Every Cup? We Are Not

St. Patty's drunk: So, wait... I was told that we aren't allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What's the deal?

Cop: Well, they shouldn't be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and--

Interrupting cop: --Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That's all.

- Overheard in New York | The Voice of the City by: Super Mike, Penn Station

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