Amazon Reviews fun

[Andy_Bangle]

Barrettine Methylated Spirit 500ml

From the moment you remove the cap you realise you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky, with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose. Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with friends in a park. Highly recommended.

Here at the East Yamming Conservative Club we like to 'live fast and party hard'. I was honoured that my fellow club member Tarquin Morrisson-Hugo-Dunstable-Sean-Coombes-Fotherington-Smythe MP had asked me to be his best man for his most recent wedding. Got in a few demijons of Barrettines for the stag night, alongside some Eastern European strippers and some swans to eat.

A word of advice. Doing keg stands with this is not for the faint-hearted. Or the weak hearted too for that matter - poor Lord Biggelsworth passed away whilst we chanted chug chug chug, but at least his wife told us he died doing what he loved - drinking industrial solvents whilst being spanked by a 20 stone Belarussian working girl called Ludmilla. From here the night got incrediably crazy. I've seen 'The Hangover' (not in a cinema, of course, our sort of people don't go there) and this was much much worse. We lost poor old Tarquin, but it turned out he'd only gone to Number 10 to chill out with his easy going and down to Earth mate Dave.

I had a great time although sadly I have had to get my guide dog to type this as I have now gone blind.

BUCKFAST Tonic Wine 75cl Bottle:

I have always eschewed violence finding it both repugnant and painful. However, I hadn't reckoned with the powers of 'Bucky' and having been introduced to it, or rather having had it introduced to me, at high speed, I found it to have a transformative effect in so many ways.

Gone were my former anxieties and lack of self-confidence when in conflict with others, as were any sensations of pain. The extraordinary ability to confront others with complete certainty of a successful outcome was not ameliorated by any resistance on the part of those to whom I directed a new-found hostility and arrogance. Whilst not actually conferring superpowers, it did serve to heighten both one's personal aggression and indifference to lost teeth, broken jaws, black eyes and contused lips.

More effective than Tramadol, and certainly funnier than Frankie Boyle, two bottles of this will make you believe that Donald Trump and Cuadrilla's heavies are no match for you - when in fact you are rendered punier as the urge to provoke violence grows exponentially more irresistible.

A life-changing experience courtesy of the Monks of Buckfast Abbey. There's no going back to who you were after a night with this stuff!

Written whilst on remand.

[patently]