Tommy Cooperisms

[Hopsta]

He said, I'm going to cut the bottom off your trouser leg and put it in the library. I thought, "That's a turn up for the books"

He said, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "You look great, everything's fine, go for it!"

I was complimented on my driving today, there was a note on my windscreen saying 'Parking Fine' so that was nice.

He said, "you look like a bunch of tiny feathers", I said, "Don't talk down to me"

The phone was ringing, I picked it up and said, "Who is speaking?" a voice said, "you are"

I phoned the pool and said, "Is that the local baths" She answered, "that depends where you're phoning from"

I phoned the builders and asked, "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "Do what you like mate"

I put the telly on last night and watched a sex film with my neighbour who was wearing a dress. I turned on the TV

I said, "can I buy a return ticket please", he said, "Where to?", I said, "Back here you idiot!"

I once bought a huge albino mammal but it turned out to be a white elephant

He said, "Is that one of those throw away cameras?" I said "yes", so he threw it away

They say laughter is the best medicine. Not if you are a diabetic, insulin is.

I like Ice, water and all spices and herbs, I'm clearly a man for all seasons

I said "I want some strawberries" he said "pick your own", I sad "I haven't got any, that's why I'm here"

I said, "I want some bacon" he said "Lean back?" I fell over

I said "I want to buy a mobile caravan", he said "camper?" I said "OK I want to buy a mobile caravan ducky"

The stewardess said, "hurry up and get on the plane", I said "I'd rather get in it"

Doctor, I keep hallucinating, I keep seeing this ant spinning in circles, he said "There's a bug going round"

I said, "Trash, Garbage, Waste" He said "You're talking rubbish"

I said, "Pooh, Number twos, excrement" He said "You're talking crap"

I said, "Testicles, Gonads, Scrotums", He said "You're talking bollocks"

I said, "I'd like some double glazing", he said, "Are you going to buy it today?" I said, "No, I'm just window shopping"

Two boys walking down the street, one eating fireworks and the other drinking battery acid. The police charged one and let the other one off.

[Snail]

[SteveCab]

i love that kinda [censored], we need some repaets of tommy cooper on TV!