AZURES3 Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 Guys Regular readers may remember my posts about splitting up with my wife and the horrible aspects of divorce etc. Well as per this post I then met a stunning girl but as the post said it was going to be complex. Why is life so complex Well I have been seeing her 2 months and things have been amazing, besides the mileage. We have been out for some great days out with her daughter and last weekend she came down with her daughter for one of my mate’s weddings. We had a great time but for the sake of her daughter we ensured we acted like friends when her daughter was there or awake. We thought her daughter might have seen us kissing in the car last weekend, as she was half asleep but as she didn't act up or say anything figured it was fine. Well I went up this weekend and arrived about 9:30 Friday night and her daughter was asleep, had a great night and she slept with her daughter and I slept in her bed. To cut a long story short the 6-year daughter seemed fine for about an hour then seemed to get a little funny with me whenever I was talking with the mum away from the daughter. It then turned in to her playing up a little always calling for her mum, she also seem a little forceful when playing around with me with her toys. So I had a chat with the mum and said I would go out for an hour and leave her to talk with the daughter. He daughter said she didn’t really like me and she saw us kissing and doesn't like it. The mum has never introduced the daughter to any of her boyfriends over the last 6 years, of which she has only had 3 and I understand what the daughter is up to. She is playing games with the mum as she sees me as a threat to her mum & her time that she has dedicated to her only at the moment. The mum agrees but at the end of the day it is her daughter, as she will come first and the mum has dedicated her life to just the 2 of them. She even lets her sleep in her bed 3-4 nights a week as the daughter says she doesn’t like sleeping alone, none of this helps really IMHO. So as already planned the daughter spent Saturday night at her nans and the Sunday too. We had a great time but it felt a little separated from reality, as I knew a problem existed but a great night and day all the same. It is clear we have both fallen for each other but I am now faced with her feeling like she having to choose between the 2 of us and says she needs to think, we both cant believe how much we feel for each other after just 2 months and that is what makes it so difficult. I really don’t want to get hurt as I only split up with my wife 4 months ago and feel I should make the decision for her but I really don’t want that. I can’t seen an easy solution as if the daughter won’t play ball then I don’t want to do what the mum suggests of keeping her out of the loop for a few weeks as this will just mask the issue. That and the distance it’s not like I can go and see her in the evenings. It has brought back the horrible empty feeling of 4 months ago as I feel the inevitable is just around the corner. AZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 Firstly don't do anything silly like leaving her to make things easy. Just because things are getting a little tough don't run away !! Her daughter is playing a game something that children are very good at. She needs to explain things to her daughter how much she likes you and how much it is hurting her when she is naughty towards you. Kids are creatures of habit and things like sleeping in her bed will have to stop if you are going to be there or at least until she crawls back in in the middle of the night anyway but it will take plenty of time for this to happen. Don't push things too much but be firm that you are sticking around and are there to help her through any problems. If she thinks you are having second thoughts she might not want to change the current status quo because you might not be around for much longer. Your GF will want to fix things with her daughter before long, but you will need a bit of time and tolerance until everything gets sorted. Stick with it and relax. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 I don't wish to sound harsh here but.... The daughter is 6 years old. She's a young child. It's her mum. She's been through a split/divorce as well presumably. It's not a case of her mum having to make a choice, because you'll never win unless her mother is seriously deluded. Her mum is right in my opinion. Keep her out of the loop for a few weeks, or limit your time with her. Children need time to build trust in people, particularly if its a person who is seeing their 'mum'. Its not up to the child. Its up to you to be patient, understand that things like this take time, and let the situation sort itself out over a long period of time through her gradual acceptance of you as someone who isn't there to take her mum away. Getting into a relationship with a mother of a 6 year old girl is very hard work. It's not going to be anything like a normal relationship with a single girl/woman - nothing at all. You need to have your eyes WIDE open. It can be a success - but the child must come first if you want the relationship to work. If you think you're going to have lots of time alone, luvvy duvvy days ahead, cosy nights curled up on the sofa etc - you're very wrong. It doesn't happen like that when a young child is concerned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparkly Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 I agree with MrMe. This is never going to be an easy situation. Don't give up - if you really like this woman then you need to stick around. My sister has a 7 year old and when she was 4 started a new relationship. It was hard for her but now her little one loves him. She will need time to adjust to the situation and it is up to you to be patient and give her that time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saab Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 Children crave attention and react badly when it is removed or reduced. It is very common for a first child to react badly when a sibling is born and the parents' attention becomes divided. Generally the kids get used to it, but it does take time and, I would guess, a proactive and firm approach from the parents. This situation is somewhat different of course, but the child's emotions are the same and the mother needs to approach this in the same way - presumably offering lots of reassurance and love. I agree that over time the child should get used to having a new person around and taking some of mummy's time - if you can only visit at weekends this may make it a more drawn out process. It it highly inadvisable to interfere in the way other people deal with their children - therefore I would see this ball as being firmly in your girlfriend's court, but you do need to be there to support her. You sound very committed to this so I am sure you can get through it. But do make sure you are both certain - the last thing anyone wants is to do through all of this and then decide that actually it's not what you (or her) wants. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 [ QUOTE ] She needs to explain things to her daughter how much she likes you and how much it is hurting her when she is naughty towards you. [/ QUOTE ] Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't disagree more!!!!!!!!!!! Her child is not being naughty!!!!!!!!! She's being a child who has been used to life alone with her mother!!! She's 6 years old for christs sake!!! So what if she's used to sleeping with her mum! There is nothing wrong with that at all in the scenario she has been used to. Now that should all change? I think not. Time, patience and understanding - all required from adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 I meant more in relation to how she was being with the toys etc.. As I also said it will take time and understanding. You could be a journalist by just taking one sentence and taking it out of context. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rustynuts Posted August 7, 2006 Report Share Posted August 7, 2006 [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] She needs to explain things to her daughter how much she likes you and how much it is hurting her when she is naughty towards you. [/ QUOTE ] Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't disagree more!!!!!!!!!!! Her child is not being naughty!!!!!!!!! She's being a child who has been used to life alone with her mother!!! She's 6 years old for christs sake!!! So what if she's used to sleeping with her mum! There is nothing wrong with that at all in the scenario she has been used to. Now that should all change? I think not. Time, patience and understanding - all required from adults. [/ QUOTE ] Absolute pearls of wisdom, MrMe. Here we go, a brief look into Rusty's personal life. About 6 years ago I met my now wife, and she has 2 girls from her previous marriage. At the time they were 8 and 3, and from first hand experience I can tell you that kids are what they are, and there's no way on earth to make them like someone they don't want to. ALL the work has to be done by you, and you have to make them let you be a part of their life, not try and make them become a part of yours. You can't buy that priviledge, nor can you demand it, or expect to gain it lightly or by deceit. You have to work damned hard to get it. I've got there now, but it was a real hard slog at times and even now the youngest still sleeps in bed with us occasionally. Nothing untoward going on (as her ex husband went to great lengths to try and prove in Court), just she feels comfortable sleeping with her mother, and I have to shuffle over to the edge of the bed to make room. Sometimes it's easier to just get up and head for the sofa, and on odd occasions I have done only for the little one to come down after a couple of hours and ask what's the matter. I usually end up having to go back upstairs again. Anyway, wanna know what the secret is? Make 'em laugh. Kids love to laugh, and you've got to make them. That's not like taking them to watch a funny film, 'cos someone else is doing all the work then, and you have to do it. Be a fool, trip over your own feet and bang your knee on the coffee table. Burn your mouth on a piece of pizza which really isn't hot, and make a big show of having a drink of cold water while spilling it down your shirt. Take 'em to the park and play on the slide with them, don't sit and watch. Anything which makes you make them laugh is what you need to do. It's not quick and easy, but it can be fun, and it's what you need to do. You can't make them be a part of your life but you have to if you want to be a part of theirs. It's just a matter of how much do you want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted August 8, 2006 Report Share Posted August 8, 2006 [ QUOTE ] You could be a journalist by just taking one sentence and taking it out of context. [/ QUOTE ] You have no idea just how bad an insult that is to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted August 8, 2006 Report Share Posted August 8, 2006 [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] She needs to explain things to her daughter how much she likes you and how much it is hurting her when she is naughty towards you. [/ QUOTE ] Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't disagree more!!!!!!!!!!! Her child is not being naughty!!!!!!!!! She's being a child who has been used to life alone with her mother!!! She's 6 years old for christs sake!!! So what if she's used to sleeping with her mum! There is nothing wrong with that at all in the scenario she has been used to. Now that should all change? I think not. Time, patience and understanding - all required from adults. [/ QUOTE ] Absolute pearls of wisdom, MrMe. Here we go, a brief look into Rusty's personal life. About 6 years ago I met my now wife, and she has 2 girls from her previous marriage. At the time they were 8 and 3, and from first hand experience I can tell you that kids are what they are, and there's no way on earth to make them like someone they don't want to. ALL the work has to be done by you, and you have to make them let you be a part of their life, not try and make them become a part of yours. You can't buy that priviledge, nor can you demand it, or expect to gain it lightly or by deceit. You have to work damned hard to get it. I've got there now, but it was a real hard slog at times and even now the youngest still sleeps in bed with us occasionally. Nothing untoward going on (as her ex husband went to great lengths to try and prove in Court), just she feels comfortable sleeping with her mother, and I have to shuffle over to the edge of the bed to make room. Sometimes it's easier to just get up and head for the sofa, and on odd occasions I have done only for the little one to come down after a couple of hours and ask what's the matter. I usually end up having to go back upstairs again. Anyway, wanna know what the secret is? Make 'em laugh. Kids love to laugh, and you've got to make them. That's not like taking them to watch a funny film, 'cos someone else is doing all the work then, and you have to do it. Be a fool, trip over your own feet and bang your knee on the coffee table. Burn your mouth on a piece of pizza which really isn't hot, and make a big show of having a drink of cold water while spilling it down your shirt. Take 'em to the park and play on the slide with them, don't sit and watch. Anything which makes you make them laugh is what you need to do. It's not quick and easy, but it can be fun, and it's what you need to do. You can't make them be a part of your life but you have to if you want to be a part of theirs. It's just a matter of how much do you want to. [/ QUOTE ] Agreed. Spot on. Oh, and as for making them laugh.... Once, on holiday in Lanzarote, I did just that. I decided I'd make our ever so miserable 8 year old (at the time) laugh. So, whilst walking in the Timanfaya National Park I pretended to trip up over a piece of volcanic rock. I stumbled to the ground, doing the ouch, ooya, aarghh noises - as you do. Unfortunately, I then rolled off the edge of the slope I was at the top off, and continued to roll approximately 250 feet to the bottom of it, whereupon I fell approximately 7ft off a raised embankment onto a footpath....with a lot of bemused German tourists wondering what had happened. I staggered to my feet, covered in that horrible brown volcanic stuff (reddish), coughing, spluttering, with my arms, legs and head bleeding, in absolute agony - convinced that I had broken my left arm. What did I see? My wife and our 8 year old in absolute fits of laughter (albeit muted by the distance now between us) at the top of the said slope. I then collapsed and spent the next 24 hours in Arrecife hospital before they were convinced I'd not caused myself a serious head injury. The insurers paid up - but they weren't fecking amused. We still laugh about it today, although it wasn't quite what I'd planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted August 8, 2006 Report Share Posted August 8, 2006 [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] You could be a journalist by just taking one sentence and taking it out of context. [/ QUOTE ] You have no idea just how bad an insult that is to me! [/ QUOTE ] Do tell.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted August 8, 2006 Report Share Posted August 8, 2006 [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] You could be a journalist by just taking one sentence and taking it out of context. [/ QUOTE ] You have no idea just how bad an insult that is to me! [/ QUOTE ] Do tell.. [/ QUOTE ] No, but my operatives are out and will hunt you down and make you beg for mercy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted August 8, 2006 Report Share Posted August 8, 2006 Lets hope my application for the IT job in the MI5 goes through.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmj Posted August 9, 2006 Report Share Posted August 9, 2006 One thing I have noticed that has not been mentioned before. Think of it from the perspective of the child. The child is used to having her mother all to herself, now you pitch up and each time she is farmed off to her Grandparents or she has to share mum with this new bloke (who isn't her dad) but probably wishes it was her dad! So from her perspective, having you around has brought nothing positive, quite the contrary. Give the kid a chance. Also, don't forget, the mum has probably leant on the child for support after the break-up of her previous relationship, but now, that energy is being focussed toward you. It's gonna be hard for the poor maid. Good luck to you all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AZURES3 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2006 AZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmj Posted August 9, 2006 Report Share Posted August 9, 2006 I've been scratching my head for a while at your reply not quite understanding it Suffice to say, I hope my comments didn't annoy, upsept or irritate you? Never my intention, good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmj Posted August 9, 2006 Report Share Posted August 9, 2006 Sorry bud, just read the other post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AZURES3 Posted August 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2006 [ QUOTE ] I've been scratching my head for a while at your reply not quite understanding it Suffice to say, I hope my comments didn't annoy, upsept or irritate you? Never my intention, good luck. [/ QUOTE ] Sorry to confuse nothing to do with your post see my other post in this section "This year really sucks for me" AZ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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