blackjack Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 I'd like a set of roof mounted backward facing rear fog lamps that would come on automaticly every time a BMW X5, Landrover Discovery or such like was following me on the road at night. It's bloody annoying to be dazzled by the headlights of these pointlessly tall Chelsea Tractors and it would be nice to give the mugs that drive them a taste of their own medicine. How about you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UBM Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 Hurrah - someone else on my level! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mollox Posted January 14, 2005 Report Share Posted January 14, 2005 Not quite halfords but IF I ever found myself behind the wheel of something as anti-manly as an old shape SLK I'd send the hardtop off to get it industrially mirror coated. Then a little modification to the software governing the motors to allow it to stop half way up/down and you have the perfect answer to those Range Rover drivers: the mobile reflector/retina burner... Excuse the ropey illustration but had to do it fast so I can get down to the patent office before the simpsons Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackjack Posted January 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2005 Presenting K-GPS When a traffic warden gives you a ticket, K-GPS (K is ofcourse short for Kray) will automaticly trigger an message that will send heavy from the nearest criminal gang the home address of the the c*nt who gave you the ticket where the said c*nt will be beaten up. * yes I got a ticket this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikespence Posted January 17, 2005 Report Share Posted January 17, 2005 Some sort of stone chucking device attached to the front of the car to smash the permanently turned on front fog lamps of the bloody Saxos and Novas that cruise aimlessly around my home town. Bast**ds. Sorry, rant over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeilB Posted January 17, 2005 Report Share Posted January 17, 2005 A gun mounted on your bonnet that shoots the tyres of lane hoggers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blingpanzer Posted January 17, 2005 Report Share Posted January 17, 2005 I'd like to borrow Mr.Bond's oil-slick device to counter those girl-racer types in 1.2-litre Corsas who make it their goal in life to drive so closely behind you in a 30mph limit that their headlamps and bonnet badge become invisible. I own a quick car but drive it sensibly and with consideration; they can't seem to handle that. Especially annoying when you finally pass the National Speed Limit sign, gun it in 4th and they just disappear like a fart in a warehouse. Oh, and a death ray for caravanners (work out how many nights in 3-star hotel rooms you could have had for the purchase price of that aluminium/composite f*ckwit palace, and tell me why you even bother to have a towbar, you twat) and blue-rinsed old dears on pension day (the throttle's on the right, dear, and it's actually better to think about a situation before you find yourself in it). I'm also thinking that one of those Valmet automatic tree-felling thingies could be a great solution to the ever-increasing proliferation of speed cameras which blight our roads and divert funding away from mobile police patrols. Drive up, hit the button and watch that Gatso fall... Great, everyone's doing 29mph on that stretch of road (and the ones that aren't are paying for yet more speed cameras), but drunkards, mobile-phone jockeys, lane-hogs, shite drivers and thieving scum are getting away scot-free due to an almost complete lack of visible enforcement. Memo me - must drink less coffee... aaaargh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackjack Posted January 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 How about a big flashing sign saying the word ****ER designed to be mounted in the rear parcel shelf so visible to those behind you and controled by a button on the dashboard. This would have countless uses and I am surprised it has not been put in to prodiction already. However, in order to stop those morons who drive Corsas Saxos and the like owning them it would not be available in any neon shades. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chav Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 i'd like a dash-mounted kettle so i can have a nice relaxing cup of darjeeling or cappuccino at any time, to help me ignore the fog-light laden, lane-hogging, inconsiderate, dangerous, huge-exhaust burblng chav's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Webbo Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 1 of those Star Trek style "tractor beams" attached to the rear of my car that's activated automatically everytime somebody starts tail-gating me. Then I can have the pleasure of taking said imbecile exactly where I want him/her & doing whatever I please. Down to the local branch of plod's for example, to have the offender's car checked for road-worthiness. Or merely 20 miles or so out of their way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikespence Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 A GPS Chav-tracker. Automatically alerts you to the presence of a chavmobile within 1 mile of your location, thus allowing you plenty of time to get off the road before the nylon tracksuited ape comes anywhere near your car in his uninsured, keved up deathtrap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayerbloke Posted January 18, 2005 Report Share Posted January 18, 2005 Gets my vote! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lump Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Blackjack, the LED "****er" sign for your back window is already available from The Gadget Shop. I don't think it has the word "****er" as one of the pre-programmed ones, but it's not too hard to enter it yourself. You'll also need other handy phrases such as "Are you completely stupid?", "You won't get there any faster by driving 1 meter from my bumper you know" and "Do you know how stupid you look?". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackjack Posted January 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 [ QUOTE ] Blackjack, the LED "****er" sign for your back window is already available from The Gadget Shop. I don't think it has the word "****er" as one of the pre-programmed ones, but it's not too hard to enter it yourself. You'll also need other handy phrases such as "Are you completely stupid?", "You won't get there any faster by driving 1 meter from my bumper you know" and "Do you know how stupid you look?". [/ QUOTE ] Thanks for that tip, I shall see if I can get one. Do you think there is enough space for Is your car trying to bum f*ck mine? If not get off my tail! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lump Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 I don't think it's going to be quite long enough for that, but the essence of that message is captured nicely in your eloquently-crafted original slogan: ****ER. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blingpanzer Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Must be a better class of chav down your way, old boy; ours can't read. Or possibly won't. This does however lead to some amusingly mis-spelt chav tinsel; one local Escort VI (5-door of course) sports a "Pioner" graphic across its rear window. I'd like a device which can momentarily remotely cut the ignition of any given vehicle. Then when Charlie Chav pulls-up next to you at the lights, you can hit the button and his attempted burnout will be averted, leaving you to pull safely away and filter back into traffic without being greased by a badly-applied Wings West bodykit and assaulted by the Massey-Ferguson blare of a 5" tailpipe. I'd also like some self-adhesive doorhandles. That would really confuse Charlie and his mates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UBM Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 Wonder if CheckPoint will soon have a chav hot spot alert for TomTom3? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sipperana Posted January 19, 2005 Report Share Posted January 19, 2005 They should also sell... ...multipack spare indicator bulb kits for BMW drivers. Obviously the indicator bulbs go very quickly on these cars as I've never seen one of the f***ers working. ...accelerator pedal enhancers. Simply snaps onto the existing accelerator pedal to make it bigger, for those twats who seem to find the thing difficult to locate. Comes complete with dashboard sticker to remind the driver that it's underneath their right foot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted January 23, 2005 Report Share Posted January 23, 2005 an A-Z showing the homes of all gritter lorry drivers! Then I can go round to their houses and fire grit at their cars too!!!! B*stards!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blingpanzer Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 If you have an aversion to grit, avoid Cheshire. As we live in the salt-mining capital of the UK (claim to fame or what? Gaah), the local councils feel that it is their duty to liberally spread the stuff all over the place in huge concentrations. They don't seem to bother much with grit itself; it's all salt and sand. Great for paintwork and body panel longevity - NOT. Also, it doesn't do what it says on the tin, and when the sand builds-up (e.g. on the outside edge of corners, or wherever the gritter driver has stopped for a fag), it's positively lethal as it has the adhesion qualities of polished glass, especially on the worn-out, pale grey, shiny tarmac that passes for road surfaces here. One positive aspect - it rots MkV Escorts faster, and seems to lead to many more chav/ditch interfaces than would normally occur. That can only be a good thing. Another aftermarket device I'd like - a Moses device, to part the droves of dawdling f*ckwits who even slow me down when I'm driving my (standard) Series III Land Rover. I guess I could always just use the military-spec double front bumper, but my insurance company tends to frown. Even if I quote "just cause". There's just no justice any more... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewNiceMrMe Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 [ QUOTE ] avoid Cheshire. As we live in the salt-mining capital of the UK (claim to fame or what? Gaah [/ QUOTE ] Sorry, but thats not correct. The largest and most productive salt mine in the world is in the UK - but not in Cheshire. It is Boulby Mine on the East Cleveland/North Yorkshire border, trading under the name of Cleveland Potash Limited and holder of the title of the deepest mine in Europe. It's 'panels' stretch out 7 miles under the sea in places, and up to 5 miles inland. Its output is more than double that of Cheshire. It was initially a D'Arcy owned mine, then Anglo American, then Minorco. It is also the location of the "Dark Matter Project" supported by various universities. It pioneered the use of Heliminers in Europe years before anyone else had them and has a reputation for using the biggest and best machinery the world can offer. I do believe that makes Boulby the salt mining capital of the UK.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blingpanzer Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 I bow to your superior knowledge. The local tourist board reckon it's Northwich/Middlewich, but they can't argue with the quoted stats. Even if Northwich is about to drop into the ground due to the 19th-century undermining; a big project has just started to fill the caverns with grout to prevent this. It's kinda entertaining trying to get a mortgage here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikespence Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Welcome to the new SniffPetrol Mining Forum. I'm sure that in future posts we can all snigger at phrases such as 'deep shaft', 'large seam', etc etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeanKHotay Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Does Halfords sell mining equipment for 'deep shafts', 'large seams', and 'dark matter'? If not, I'm sure we all know places that do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayerbloke Posted January 27, 2005 Report Share Posted January 27, 2005 [ QUOTE ] Does Halfords sell mining equipment for 'deep shafts', 'large seams', and 'dark matter'? If not, I'm sure we all know places that do. [/ QUOTE ] Oh, so that`s what that spam email I got the other day was on about... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now