stooH Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 This is an intriguing one to even try and explain and might sound really inconsequential but I think has the potential to cause a massive argument and I need some thoughts. My mum left me a voicemail last week saying she's won an auction on ebay for a bunch of Barbie toys, "it was an amazing price", "last minute bid" etc I mentioned it to the wife and she wasn't overly happy, particularly if it was second hand but also my daughters birthday and christmas are coming up, i've got divorced parents and 3 brothers, basically the kids get loads of toys and it all takes up soooo much space in the house, causes a mess etc. we've started to tone it down a bit by alternating asking people for cash to put into their accounts instead. Also my brothers, father, in laws etc all ask what they should get the kids. My mum doesn't. She baby sat on Saturday night and mentioned it to me and the wife and showed us the auction, it's a bunch of second hand Barbie furniture and Barbie dolls "as new" , the wife wasn't happy, Then my mum suggested that she was going to package it up in a nice box and give some of it our daughter for a birthday and/or christmas present, she went further and suggested she would let my grandmother have some of it to give as a present also. My wife bit her tongue and said she was going to bed. Once my mum had gone wifey went mental, proper nuts. She's angry on a number of levels, firstly that my mother just went off and bought a bunch of stuff that she's expecting to fob off onto us when we're trying to keep down the sheer volume of toys, secondly that it's all second hand stuff that she wants to fob off and thirdly, that she intends to give her all this second hand stuff as a birthday or christmas present. My mother admitted when she was there that she's already bought the presents for my son for chistmas (nice new stuff), she'll undoubtedly have bought new stuff for my nephew and step nieces so why on earth does she feel it's ok to dump all this second hand stuff on to my daughter? My mother is a volatile character and as bizarre as this seems it will cause big ructions with my wife and in-laws if she gives us the stuff, and if I say anything to her I have to be really really careful about what I say as she'll get all upset, put on the big tears, say i'm an ungrateful b@stard etc (seriously she will, it's happened before). Sorry for the ramble, any help, suggestions about how to refuse this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuprabob Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 You and your wife come across a bit ungrateful and sure it's the thought that counts. In future you should issue a document outlining your requirements for a gift to save the situation happening again. just take the gifts from her, don't give them to the kids, and pass them onto a local kids charity who will make use of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 just take the gifts from her, don't give them to the kids, and pass them onto a local kids charity who will make use of them. This... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eldavo69 Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I think in this instance that may be your best bet but I'd also explain your reasons for not wanting this to happen again. Grin and bear it this time but make sure it doesn't happen again. I would also be getting her something used off eBay for her present too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Maybe it wasn't clear, she's going to give them as birthday and christmas presents, so my daughter is going to be given them, open them up in front of her, then you're suggesting I just take them off of her and drive them to the charity shop? I've seen what my daughter does to her Barbie dolls I really don't want her being given stuff that other kids have been doing feck knows what with and wouldn't you be smidge miffed if one of your kids was given new stuff for Christmas and the other was given a bunch of second hand toys? Maybe I am just the b@stard ungrateful son but I tend to prefer quality over quantity. I was thinking of suggesting that she might prefer to keep it at her house for when the kids go round? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuprabob Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Sorry didn't realise she was going to give them to your daughter directly. I understand quality over quantity and you know your mother better than the rest of us. I know for a fact my mother can't afford much being a pensioner and I'm happy if she gets me anything. Thankfully she can't use a computer so ebay tat doesn't come into it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I was thinking of suggesting that she might prefer to keep it at her house for when the kids go round? That's actually a good idea, we had a similar box at both grandparents' houses. It gave them something else to do & as a change from their usual stuff, there was quite a strong novelty value. I would also be getting her something used off eBay for her present too. That's a good idea, as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I know for a fact my mother can't afford much being a pensioner and I'm happy if she gets me anything. Thankfully she can't use a computer so ebay tat doesn't come into it. Value doesn't come into it though, I'd rather that someone spent a tenner on something that was small and welcome than £14.50 for a massive bundle of stuff because it's cheap. What's really bizarre though is every time my mother comes around to babysit she brings 1 or 2 brand new cellophane wrapped DVD's for the kids to watch, she's happy to go off and buy these DVD's that will probably only ever be watched once or twice, i'd far rather she got a few of those and gave to my girl. I need to think of a nice way of wording, "please keep the tat in your house and I would be delighted as would Miss H for her to play with it when she comes around, could I also suggest that you give some to Great Gran to keep at her house for when she is around there" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Does your daughter want Barbie toys? If so I don't see any problem with second hand, you can always sterilise it if your worried. We've saved a fortune buying our kids second hand toys from bootfairs or Ebay. Personally I can't help but agree that you and your mrs are coming across a bit ungrateful and snobbish, it's a gift, if your daughter appreciates it, what's tge problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Briefly, and perhaps a tad brutally, if you're not prepared to go through the tears and accusations of being an ungrateful b@stard son, you lose the right to choose. I also suspect that if your wife doesn't like your mother she might be using this as an opportunity to get at her and set you against her. You're stuck in a triangle between the three most important women in your life, and you'll need to be very clever to get out of it without upsetting one of them. I suppose suggesting your mother keeps the toys at her place might work. But she'll realise you're saying that because you've decided they're not suitable for a birthday/Christmas present and will probably want to know why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Briefly, and perhaps a tad brutally, if you're not prepared to go through the tears and accusations of being an ungrateful b@stard son, you lose the right to choose.I also suspect that if your wife doesn't like your mother she might be using this as an opportunity to get at her and set you against her. You're stuck in a triangle between the three most important women in your life, and you'll need to be very clever to get out of it without upsetting one of them. So true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Does your daughter want Barbie toys?If so I don't see any problem with second hand, you can always sterilise it if your worried. We've saved a fortune buying our kids second hand toys from bootfairs or Ebay. Personally I can't help but agree that you and your mrs are coming across a bit ungrateful and snobbish, it's a gift, if your daughter appreciates it, what's tge problem? I think the point isn't entirely coming across in translation here, I openly admit to wanting my kids to have new toys where possible (Is that an issue?) but have accepted hand me down toys and clothes from friends in the past, what's really bugging is that everyone else in the family gets new stuff at christmas why should my daughter be treated differently? If it was just a run of the mill "I got these on ebay would she like them" or even if she asked in advance I just think doing that and using them as a bday or xmas present just doesn't sit right with me. Briefly, and perhaps a tad brutally, if you're not prepared to go through the tears and accusations of being an ungrateful b@stard son, you lose the right to choose. Fair enough but i've been through this before with her and it causes no end of grief that i'd rather try and avoid I also suspect that if your wife doesn't like your mother she might be using this as an opportunity to get at her and set you against her. There is a long history between them but we manage to keep a truce most of the time... You're stuck in a triangle between the three most important women in your life, and you'll need to be very clever to get out of it without upsetting one of them. I'm fooked then I suppose suggesting your mother keeps the toys at her place might work. But she'll realise you're saying that because you've decided they're not suitable for a birthday/Christmas present and will probably want to know why. If she actually made that connection i'd be quite pleased because it would give me an opportunity to try and explain with blundering in unannounced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bazza_g Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I'm fooked then This Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I don't see the issue in 'everyone else getting new stuff'? Does it matter? So long as she gets something, I don't see why you'd distinguish between someone else getting something new, and your daughter getting something second hand? I can only assume that the idea behind it is that she could buy your daughter one or two brand new Barbie bits, or a whole load of used Barbie bits for the same money, put yourself in your daughters shoes, what would she rather have, lots of something, or less of something? As ultimately, she's the one that matters here, not what you and your mrs want her to have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 If she really wanted value for money she should have bought Divorced Barbie. She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car.... (I'm here all week) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Chuck all in the washing machine at the highest temp, not so much a BBQ more boiled Barbie. If they survive tie them to rockets (50% off at the moment) and send them inter galactic. Some Barbies have quite a high value, I'm sure they is a register or Barbie site out there for valuations, so some could be kidnapped. As for wife and Mum, grow some balls and tell them both to grow up. Harsh as it is, both if them need to know that compromise is required and who are the adults? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booster Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 Some Barbies have quite a high value I was thinking that your mum might be thinking along those lines and that she has got a real bargain and that might be the reason she is excited to give them as a gift??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I saw the listing it wasn't as if it was 1950's originally boxed Barbies or original Star Wars figures (I'd forgive her buying those second hand ) it was just a kids collection As for wife and Mum, grow some balls and tell them both to grow up. Harsh as it is, both if them need to know that compromise is required and who are the adults? if only you knew it all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milo Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I told my Mum she could buy any number of large, bright plastic or loud toys* to keep at their house. I just said storage space was limited and there were more than enough toys here. Strangely enough, she started buying itunes gift cards and the like not long after. If you don't mention it, then she won't know there's a problem. While there is nothing wrong with second hand toys and let's be fair, it's probably the more sensible approach sometimes, I'm a snob I wouldn't want them and I wouldn't want my kids to have them. It's the same reason I buy new cars. The wife/mother/mother-in-law juggling act can be tricky. I learnt in the early days that being blunt was usually the only way you can get them to realise there may be an issue. If people get offended by you telling them what the issues are, then that's their problem. I once told my mother to get out the house and and not to come back until she could watch us change a nappy** without sucking her teeth and commenting on the benefits of 'real' nappies over disposables and telling us we were doing it all wrong etc. After one snidey comment too far, my mate once pointed to his wife and sister-in-law in a crowded restaurant and told his mother-in-law that "the big ones were hers, the little ones were his". He went on to tell her that she'd had her go at being a parent to little people and that these ones were his turn. He then said if the urge to be a parent to toddlers was so bad, she should consider IVF. * not for me. I have my own ** again, not my nappy, I no longer wear them. But will probably do so in the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 He went on to tell her that she'd had her go at being a parent to little people and that these ones were his turn. He then said if the urge to be a parent to toddlers was so bad, she should consider IVF. :roflmao: Superb! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 Like that Milo I spoke to my Mum last night, and suggested to her a couple of things 1) it would be a good idea to keep the toys and split them between herself and my Gran's house so my daughter had something to play with when there (i'm one of 4 boys so all the old toys still knocking around are boys toys) 2) the present we were considering getting my daughter for christmas was a Barbie doll house and it turns out they come with all the furniture already so it's likely that a lot of her stuff would be a duplicate so might not get played with She seemed all right about it but did mention she didn't know what to do for Christmas and Birthday presents, step dad's not working at the moment, money's tight etc which made me feel like a ungrateful and bastard son without her having to say it, so I pointed out we weren't bothered about how much she spent and we would suggest a few small things for her to buy (Need to try and find a buy one get one free on girls toys so she can keep one back for christmas) I also offered to reimburse her the £14 for the stuff she'd bought, not something I particularly wanted to do but thought it would prevent a larger incident. Anyway it seems to be resolved now. I thought we'd nipped all this in the bud a few years back when she bought a bunch of clothes from Tesco for the daughter that after the first wash shrunk to about half their size, we explained nicely that we'd rather have one decent outfit from Next/Debenhams/M&S than 3 or 4 cheap ones that last a month. And for a year or two she bought some really nice things, maybe she just needs a nudge every now and again. Anyway sorry for being a whiny, selfish, snob, bastard. As you were Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted November 13, 2012 Report Share Posted November 13, 2012 Anyway sorry for being a whiny, selfish, snob, bastard. As you were That's ok. It's what makes you fit in so well here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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