CraigR Posted October 27, 2005 Report Share Posted October 27, 2005 Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'. A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'. My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet. Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'. Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again. Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'. A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'. Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'. Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started. Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river. Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again! It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is! Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period. A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pu**y. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg! Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the ar**'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hotdog Posted October 27, 2005 Report Share Posted October 27, 2005 PMSL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mort Posted October 27, 2005 Report Share Posted October 27, 2005 Paul McCartney bought his wife Heather a plane for her birthday. ... and for the other leg he bought her a LadyShave.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted October 27, 2005 Report Share Posted October 27, 2005 Doctor I've got a strawberry stuck up me arse! I've got some cream for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syeldham Posted October 27, 2005 Report Share Posted October 27, 2005 Taxi for Garcon... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisR32 Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 A bloke goes to the doctor with a golf ball stuck up his ass. He bends over, the doctor has a look and says "My God, that's gone up a fairway!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quattroboy Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 A chap walks in to a pub and the landlord says, 'Do you know you've got a steering wheel poking out of your flies?' Yes, he replies, it's driving me nuts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOSE Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 Naked bloke wrapped from head to foot in cling film, walks in to the Docs and the doc said "OK, clearly I can see ya nutz". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 Sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food." Penguin walks into a bar and says, "Have you seen my dad?" Barman says, "Dunno, what's he look like?" William Shakespeare walks into a bar. Barman says, "Get out, yer bard!" Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of 'em would've seen it. Dyslexic walks into a bra. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MOSE Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 Blonde doing her makeup in the mirror, turns to her blonde friend and says "Here, I know her in the mirror", blonde friend says "here let me have a look......yeah ya stupid cow its me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ari Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 A horse walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shark_90 Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Munki Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 two men are looking through a shop window at tele's, the first bloke says "That's the one I'd get" and then a cyclops walked round the corner and kicked the poo out of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanduara37 Posted November 2, 2005 Report Share Posted November 2, 2005 [ QUOTE ] two men are looking through a shop window at tele's, the first bloke says "That's the one I'd get" and then a cyclops walked round the corner and kicked the poo out of him. [/ QUOTE ] Had to think about that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanduara37 Posted November 3, 2005 Report Share Posted November 3, 2005 here about the sh*te that couldn,t sing...... it started humming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted November 4, 2005 Report Share Posted November 4, 2005 Bloke goes to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Si_GTi Posted November 16, 2005 Report Share Posted November 16, 2005 [ QUOTE ] [ QUOTE ] two men are looking through a shop window at tele's, the first bloke says "That's the one I'd get" and then a cyclops walked round the corner and kicked the poo out of him. [/ QUOTE ] Had to think about that one [/ QUOTE ] Two weeks thinking about this one and I still don't get it is there something wrong with my brain? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malagus Posted November 16, 2005 Report Share Posted November 16, 2005 cyclops's are one-eyed. get sounds like git. bless- you are not malfunctioning, just from shrewsbury - shropshire does your head in after a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkside Posted November 17, 2005 Report Share Posted November 17, 2005 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mulkbear Posted November 17, 2005 Report Share Posted November 17, 2005 What got two legs and bleeds ? Half a dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syeldham Posted November 17, 2005 Report Share Posted November 17, 2005 What's white and sits in a tree? A fridge. What's blue and sits in a tree? A blue fridge. What's orange and sits in a tree? An orange fridge. What's green and sits in a tree? A leaf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkside Posted November 18, 2005 Report Share Posted November 18, 2005 Im not a gynacologist, but i'll have a look (great line from viz) 'my names not jesus, but the size of my penis is a miracle, AND you dont have to wait for the 3rd day for it to rise again' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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