Chick Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 of course I am talking about a close friend of mine ..... but have written without using third party terminology as it will get too confusing to write, and I'll try and keep it as brief as possible : Deep breath, here goes . . . . . After six months of moving out I am still having to deal with abusive language and threats of "being beat up" or "killed" from the ex-husband virtually every time our paths have to cross, in person or on the telephone. Unfortunately there are two young children (9 & 11) involved so no contact is not an option. The abusive language has always been present, controlling behaviour was the norm during the relationship (of 20 years) but I was finally strong enough to go through with the usual empty threat of leaving last year. This was after a particularly violent episode that made me realise if I stayed I was putting my own welfare at risk, and ultimately it was only going to result in something much worse than a few pushes and shoves and the children would grow up thinking bully-boy tactics, verbal abuse and threats of violence was acceptable behaviour. The threats now can vary from verbal such as "you will be getting a visit, I will beat you, then beat your boyfriend" to "I will take you to court and get the kids taken off of you, my solicitor will annihilate you" plus a few choice swear words about what I am, what he thinks of me personally etc to more physical threats eg : dropped the kids off on a Saturday morning, he got agitated as thought the boyfriend was also in the car (parked outside the neighbours house about 25 foot away). I did assure it was just myself to no avail .... this resulted in threats of him using a baseball bat to smash me and then the car up, calling me a feckin xxx in front of the kids as I stood on the driveway, front door wide open and all my old neighbours able to hear the abuses - had to literally run to the car as he then went off upstairs to find the baseball bat (I know there is one as I used to live at the house)... to say I was really shook up is the understatement especially as I was shaking so much I couldnt get the friggin car to start, half of me wanting to run to the neighbours thinking if I stayed in the car and he turned up not only would the car get a bashing I would too. I did manage to start the car and leave as didn't really want to find out and everyone knows I'm pretty anal about any scratches or dings on the car at the best of times. This weekend I had a verbal phone call sunday afternoon saying he was going to kill me, so I just put the phone down (I only answered as there had been a few texts about when the kids holidays were as he wants to take them to Florida), followed by more verbal abuse when he dropped the children back last night resulting in the front door being kicked (and captured on cctv), then a phone call telling me that "I will get my comeuppance as I will be getting a visit and I will be getting a long overdue beating, it is known where my boyfriend works and he deserves a bashing too" and a general telling me how much he hates me, knows I've always slept around with just about every male I've ever worked with / met (obviously I'm not offended for those of you that live in Kent and work in the City that don't remember sleeping with me, ha ha) blah blah blah obviously not using the queens language. In normal circumstances, and with any other person male or female behaving in such a way I would call report this and all the other incidents with the police. The divorce petition was actually changed and I became the respondent not the petitioner as his solicitor felt with the written dialogue of unreasonable behaviour I cited could easily result in an injunction against him and stop access to the children. Divorces are public records eventually and I did not want the children to ever have access to my reasons now or in the future as adults as I do not think this is or ever will be for their benefit. By leaving and choosing a different path I hope one day they will realise I didn't take the easy way out, living trapped by golden shackles isn't quite the life to live, yes you can buy lots of nice things, shiny fast things, big houses, investment properties and as many holidays as work permits, but eventually you can only lie to yourself for so long ..... money can not and does not buy happiness. So, what do I do? If I do report him to the police and his behaviour continues will that result in him having being unable to take the children to Florida next year as his visa will be refused, it will probably cause him problems at work etc etc, will cause a lot of bad feeling and stress for his parents too, and believe me we have all been affected by this whole thing as it is. How much more should one have to put up with? Do I really have to live in this constant stress and fear (one of the bloody things I left and want to leave behind tbh) Or do I have to wait it out, put up and it will eventually become less and less nasty over time? I should point out he also has a girlfriend and has done for about 6 months so he isn't alone. My main motive for not hiding behind the police has the kids. I don't want to take them away from him, I don't want them to know what an absolute sh*t he is to me, in fact bar leaving the git I would go to the ends of the earth to protect them from everything, of course I feel guilty for ripping their little lives apart but I will do anything and everything to make them grow up as reasonable and balanced as possible. Cheers for the time, and will let my friend know your opinions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muppetboy Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE :ffs: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Report him to the police, record everything he says in a notebook, Inc time & date etc, save any texts, answerphone messages, CCTV etc etc. This isn't the sort of man you want involved in the upbringing of children, he will do them more harm than good, and buying their affection with trips to Florida etc won't stop the long term damage he does to them. Get the divorce sorted out again so he is the respondant, and do stop him seeing the children, until such time as he can prove himself to be a balanced individual capable of raising balanced children, and then start with supervised visits etc. He doesn't deserve any less, and any consequences are only of his own actions, he has no one else to blame but himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Jesus Faye. I'm just gobsmacked by this. Tell your friend to take some legal advice and to talk to the police. There's probably not a lot they can do for your friend, but making the first step is the important thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lussac Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Faye, you must get this reported it really is the only way and will probably come to it anyway if violence does occur. Exactly what you are describing happened to somebody who worked for me, I even picked up some of the abusive calls and once the police were involved it stopped almost immediately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pincher Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Hmmmm, tricky situation Sounds like your friend has had to put up with an awful lot, both pre and post separation, yet she still has consideration as to how taking some sort of 'official' action would affect him at some point in the future (that's by no means a criticism of her by the way). I suspect that many people would have refused to change tack on the divorce front, if I've read that correctly, especially after suffering such abuse. My personal view, knowing very little about him other than what has been written above, is that the threats sound as though they could well be the hollow, desperate type - as he knows that is all he has left to intimidate your friend with. That said, I would certainly do as Tipex suggests and make a note of times/dates/locations/threats etc etc. I would also think about the possibility of looking at whether it can flag it up with the police, without making a formal complaint at this juncture (no idea if you can do this though). Not a nice situation to be in and he does sound like a complete @rse - I hope the new boyfriend is much nicer!:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
byron13 Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Report him to the police, record everything he says in a notebook, Inc time & date etc, save any texts, answerphone messages, CCTV etc etc.This isn't the sort of man you want involved in the upbringing of children, he will do them more harm than good, and buying their affection with trips to Florida etc won't stop the long term damage he does to them. Get the divorce sorted out again so he is the respondant, and do stop him seeing the children, until such time as he can prove himself to be a balanced individual capable of raising balanced children, and then start with supervised visits etc. He doesn't deserve any less, and any consequences are only of his own actions, he has no one else to blame but himself. Agree 100% Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m4ttm4son Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 Agree with the above. Sorry to hear what your friend's going through. I think he needs to realise what his unacceptable actions lead to. Doesn't deserve to see his children IMO. Disgraceful. And if they've seen him during these actions, I'm a little surprised they're happy to go off with him or is he careful enough to do this out of their sight? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian_m Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 There is plenty the Police can do! Your friend needs to report this to them, its harrassment. They will need to know the dates of each incident - so get her to make a record of as much as she can. Texts etc can be obtained by the Police from her provider! Injunctions are available from a solicitor as they are part of family law, rather than criminal law. That said, if there is access to the children, she should speak to the courts about an official arrangement to ensure she doesnt have to meet him - ie, the kids are dropped off and collected at parents houses etc - so no unnecessary contact is made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylander Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 The other thing I would add is that whilst your friend must be strongly applauded for the deep thinking regarding the effects of learning the truth down the line etc, I am sure they have seen and heard plenty already. And what about the risk to them from such an unhinged individual? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waylander Posted October 11, 2010 Report Share Posted October 11, 2010 btw I never know - I presume this sub-forum is also hidden from Google-bots/Joe-Public? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chav Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Not sure I agree with the police involvement...theres always 2 sides, and its the kids' dad is the bottom line....and every split up I've known has involved pretty horrible things being said on the phone. Maybe speak to his parents and tell them what he's saying. Am sure they'll be mortified and put him in his place. Secondly dont answer the phone and ignore the texts for a while, or tell him every abusive text will be forwarded to his parents. Time is always the healer sadly, so keeping it calm is key. My 2p. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Busby Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Report him to the police, record everything he says in a notebook, Inc time & date etc, save any texts, answerphone messages, CCTV etc etc.This isn't the sort of man you want involved in the upbringing of children, he will do them more harm than good, and buying their affection with trips to Florida etc won't stop the long term damage he does to them. Get the divorce sorted out again so he is the respondant, and do stop him seeing the children, until such time as he can prove himself to be a balanced individual capable of raising balanced children, and then start with supervised visits etc. He doesn't deserve any less, and any consequences are only of his own actions, he has no one else to blame but himself. What he said. What's he like with the kids when your friend isn't there? Personally I'd be worried about the affect this is having on the kids already but stopping him seeing them could makes things worse. Your friend should record the phone calls and then tell him that if he makes any more threats, the police will be contacted and the recording sent to his parents. If he does it again after being warned then she should contact the police straight away. My wife was in the police for years, became a barrister and has recently gone back to the police. Over the years I've heard countless stories of this kind of thing getting very nasty indeed as the women involved let things slide. I wouldn't want to worry your friend but she needs to do something about this situation. All the very best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarMad Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 This must be a terrible situation to be in and there is always two sides to every story. I can see where Chav is coming from in relation to him being the Dad, however he behaviour seems beyond being a little confuntational. Yes people shout abuse at each other but threatening behaviour and that he is going to beat people up is going too far. I'd say note everything down as a minimum, the suggestion to get in touch with his parents / friends about he behaviour is a good one as they might get him to understand that what he is doing in the cold light of day is very very wrong. The Police can and will help but try to get things sorted out without their involvement however if he does ever raise his hand to anyone then don't hesitate to get them involved and supply as much evidence as possible that relates to his behaviour. I hope things get better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 btw I never know - I presume this sub-forum is also hidden from Google-bots/Joe-Public? Yes it is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 These are horribly difficult circumstances. As Chav suggests, involving the police is a big step when it's the childrens' father we're talking about. However a call from the police might shock him into seeing sense without the need for it to get an awful lot messier. Much depends on his true character. If his threats are genuine, would he have attempted to act on them by now? Years of controlling behaviour and low level abuse suggest to me he's fundamentally a coward. And in that case, when he realises you're not going to take it any more and he faces police charges and/or being barred from seeing his children, I would like to think he'll step down. An alternative, if your friend believes he is truly capable of the physical violence he is threatening, is to scare him into leaving her alone. However that depends on alot of things and could be very risky. She needs to know the "right" people, she probably needs to have exhausted or decided against the official police route, she needs to have reached the point where she never wants to see him again and doesn't want her children to either, and she needs to be pretty certain it'd work without any comeback. As I've said, he's a coward - if he's convinced there's someone alot bigger and harder than him protecting her, he'll back off. I only really throw this last option in as it hasn't been mentioned. It's not intended to be taken as the macho approach, just that the option is potentially there if all else fails - but your friend needs to very carefully consider all the potential repercussions. I can understand why she hasn't gone to the police yet, and I can see Chav's points in support of that. However, in this case I really think it's the only way to make him realise what he's doing - and what he's jeopardising. And although it appears harsh, final even, it could be the best way to finding a medium to long term route to some kind of normality where he can fulfil his responibilities as a father. And if he isn't capable of that, the police route is also probably the best way of ensuring he gets out of their lives altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bazza_g Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Jeeeeez AC - I'm sorry to hear all this, I got the feeling that the situation wasn't great but had no idea he was this much of a cockmuncher With the seriousness of the threats I really think you should be doing what suggested above, keeping records and involving the Police. A 'man' (and I use the term loosely) who behaves like that shoudn't be given any slack, if anything not involving the police might be encouraging him in thinking he can get away with these sort of actions? The other option of course is a hitman, there's a local hand carwash staffed by some very scary looking Albanian dudes who look like they've all seen some war action - am sure for £100 most problems can be fixed.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
garcon magnifique Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 The other option of course is a hitman, there's a local hand carwash staffed by some very scary looking Albanian dudes who look like they've all seen some war action - am sure for £100 most problems can be fixed.... Car Wash - £5 Wash, Wax, Vacuum - £10 Valeting - from £25 Other "cleaning" requests - from £100 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mb Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Sorry to hear this, a friend actually had the same sort of problem but in reverse, (becoming ex) wife tried to provoke him to hit her (which he didn't do) whilst taping him for court. I would say be sure to record everything & don't worry too much about the kids as over time they will realise what is what even if he alienates them for a littlewhile (parents divorced twice so I know that much!) Good luck ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruiser647 Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 The kids will realise at some point in their lives that their dad is an arse and coward. The threats and no actual action over all those years does suggest it. He obviously likes the controlling influence and has seen success with it, so continues. The Police and courts need to be involved. There should be enough there to get a 'no contact' injunction and the use of a 'contact centre' for handing over the kids if the courts decide he can still have access, although how they can after reading this will be another story. Good luck to your friend and make sure she gets the Police involved. The safety and feeling of security of the kids and the mum is paramount. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cockney Boy Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 The very threat of Murder is enough justification for the Police to be invlolved. The next time you arrange to meet your Ex, make sure you either record the incident on your phone, or at least have a witness to validate your encounter. It sounds to me that he's all mouth and no trousers, and a general bully who probably got buggered at school!!!! Dont stand for any doemestic violence, verbal or otherwise, one its not right and two is against the law. The Police will take this incident very seriously, and can make sure that one, your ex knows that he's under observation and two, they can arrange for a panic alarm to be fitted to your house with direct contact to the station. If you need more information, PM me and i can send you the relevant documants. On a final note, keep your chin up and be strong. And if it comes to it we gather every TSN member and have a game of Rounders with his balls (still attached) lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 I hate bullies. Is he a hardman, as in known violent and a real nutter or is he just a bitter, disillusioned, sad ex husband who can't move on ? Has he a history of drugs, drink etc... What would happen if your friend were to make an approach to his solicitor to suggest that hateful, aggressive and intimidating actions have to stop and that if they don't sanctions such as no visiting / seeing kids and formal action by way of restraining orders will be used. I'd also suggest buying a mini pocket digital recorder and keeping it on when she has to see or talk to the scrot as a back up. The other way- being adult would be to suggest a drink in a public place and head the meeting as an attempt to clear the air and for him to realise that she won't allow the behaviour to continue. He sounds angry, bitter and no very nice- but once he was the husband, lover and boyfriend- is there any chance he can make the adjustment and accept being a good father and maybe (even) a good friend to her in time ? As for kids, my Dad beat the shite out of my Mum, sister and me over a decade or so. They will remember all acts of aggression and aghast, we did. If he really is beyond help I know a 2.2m, 200 kg bouncer in Ashford and he has been known to do the odd bit of reactive personal security work. He minded for Kenny Noye for a while and is feared, maybe a visit and a chat from him might sort the problem ? What I would say though, is that such action could be antagonistic if this guy is similar in stability to that Northern lad, Moat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m4ttm4son Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Apparently there's a nice Chapter of Hells' Angels in Kent... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milo Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 (edited) Is he a hardman, as in known violent and a real nutter or is he just a bitter, disillusioned, sad ex husband who can't move on ? That's a very important question and one that would make a decision on what to do next, easier for me. The latter will probably shat a brick with the right intimidation while the former are more than likely to go all Cape Fear. If he falls into the former then I'd be going down the official route, otherwise if I was your friend I'd be tempted to call in a few favours. Edited October 12, 2010 by Milo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotty Posted October 12, 2010 Report Share Posted October 12, 2010 Feck ! Just seen this. Firstly I really feel for your friend. They should be applauded for their behaviour under such pressure and acting in the kids best interest just reflects so well on them. Next time I see you I'll give you a big hug that you can pass on to them I'm definately with the majority on this one : involve the authorities. No one should be subjected to this. It would be so easy to rally a posse from TSN but that's sinking to the bullyboy level at which he acts. I'd strongly recommend your friend get on to this asap. Not only is evidence slipping through but it could escalate. Please pass on my very best wishes. p.s. Congrats to your buddy for confiding in her friends. It's a big step Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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