Sponge Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) An incident occured yesterday that has left me very angry and wondering how to react. It was fueled by comments on Facebook from people we, my wife to be precise, regarded as friends. It resulted in her spending most of the night crying and a difficult encounter with a mum at the school this morning. Again, resulting in my wife crying in the street and then on the phone to me a little later. I'm fuming. I want to hit something, someone. But my wife, ever the magnanimous one, is thinking of the future; The next dozen or so years we have to encounter these people at the school gates, school fates, etc. What was said was out of line. It was actually said by the husband of one of the mums and 'liked' and 'commented' on by several other individuals. Again, all people my wife has been friends with for a few years, via the school. During the street conversation this morning, the aforementioned mother admitted to talking (assume maliciously) with her friends (people my wife also regarded as friends), outside Facebook, about my wife (and undoubtedly me). She was hurtful and even after my wife started crying, continued with her tirade. I'm tempted to take my son to school tomorrow morning, not to seek out confrontation, but fully prepared to retaliate, no, reciprocate, any ill-will. Neither of us go out looking for fights, but I am tired of always being the party that has to think of the other parties feelings. It's never reciprocated. And as I get older, I seem to be getting less tolerant in such situtations and want to make my feelings known. The worse thing is, I don't want this to effect the relationship between the children. But I fear that's inevitable. Edited November 8, 2011 by Sponge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pingpongpo Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 I'd go just to dare them to say anything. One good thing that has come of this though is that you'll realise who your true friends are and those who you thought were friends you are better off without. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brabus Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Sponge, without knowing what was said and in what nature it is really difficult to have an opinion on this. Not meaning to pry necessarily but trying to understand what happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Regardless of what it is, I'd politely go up to the person who said or wrote it and try and understand what it is that they said and why, telling them that if there are any issues, you'd really like to sort them out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brabus Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Regardless of what it isAgreed - if someone said something to upset my wife to the point where she broke down in tears I wouldn't let it lie.Can I also add - bl**dy Facebook, what is it good for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booster Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Can I also add - bl**dy Facebook, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mook Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Can I also add - bl**dy Facebook, what is it good for? Staying in touch with people you don't see very often and ignoring people you don't want to read monotonous shite from - like my cousin posting up "copy this into your status if something happened sometime to someone" eight times a week, or those online FB games, like Farmworld, or whatever the feck it's called. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm Chris Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Demand a full explanation or a complete retraction. It is useful to occasional remind the person you intend to remonstrate with about feelings, thoughtfulness and friendship. Simply put the message should start with "how would you feel if......." (same situation as you wife is in). Oh, and if it's about the pampas grass on the front lawn- maybe you should dig it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sponge Posted November 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) Agreed - if someone said something to upset my wife to the point where she broke down in tears I wouldn't let it lie.Can I also add - bl**dy Facebook, what is it good for? Indeed. I don't use it. I've told her not to post so much on there. Keep it general and not to spend so much time there. But she gets carried away. It is a good way to keep in touch with many of our (real) friends that live across the country and family too. So she doesn't want to close her account (which I suggested). She also doesn't want to remove the people involved from her friends list (which I also suggested). (But that was more for selfish reasons, i.e. less time on FB = more time doing house work :D ) I wish she'd drop the whole bloody lot tbh. It all kicked off when we got home from Parents' evening last night. Our eldest, year 1, 5 nearly 6, had a glowing report. He's doing really well across the board and we're really proud of him. She posted to that effect. An hour or so later she got a phone call from a friend asking if she'd seen her facebook page. My wife had closed the laptop lid to watch TV with me and wasn't monitoring. The husband, the wife and several of her friends had commented on how insensitive she had been. I didn't see the post and my wife deleted it on the advice of the friend that called to prevent further trouble (something she now regrets doing). I also didn't see the posts made by the others (I think they disappeared with her original post). But it sounds like they took it completely the wrong way and she was in some way belittling their children! Like, WTF? One or two of them started posting on their own walls about how bad it was and they wish there was an 'unlike' button. We now know they also started talking amongst themselves about us (outwith FB/Twitter). It's the sort of behaviour you expect from school children. A group of girls getting together, slagging off another girl, then ganging up on her in the playground. It was an innocent comment, expressing how proud we are of our son and it's been taken completely the wrong way, twisted and thrown back in our faces with malice. It seems really petty reading back through this, but it's got really difficult and uncomfortable, especially for my wife. She's very sensitive and worries about what other people think of her and if they're talking behind her back. Which in this case, they were and freely admit to. She didn't sleep at all last night and was still crying at 4am! I, on the other hand, try to consider other people's feelings as often as I can, but ultimately don't give a feck what people think of me. However, somewhat contradictory, I don't easily forgive or forget (which would suggest I do care). Edited November 8, 2011 by Sponge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruiser647 Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 It is sad that you can't be rightly proud of little Jonny/Jane. It is even more sad that other people see it as 'boasting' and because their own little Jonny can't be arsed or isn't getting the right encouragement, they are jealous. Proper parents would encourage little Jonny to do better and beat your son/daughter educationally. Utter pettiness and small mindedness. In my mind, you've done nothing wrong. Our middle daughter left Primary School top of the class Level 5's across the board. I've told anyone and everyone who'll listen and will continue too do so - but I'm not on FB/Twitter. What can you do - get a big banner, stand at the gates and tell them your son/daughter is fecking clever! In all seriousness, as Chri5 has said - ask them what their issues are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chick Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Unfortunately that is how some "school mums" are .... I can not be ar5ed with it all but the person that I did hear telling all and sundry about my goings-on (she lived next door but one and had seen several police men entering my house) in the playground and asking around if they knew what had happened soon got acosted by me, and told where to stick her nose. Just to make a point, to this day I still havn't told her what was the problem was even tho' all the other neighbours do know, it was hardly anything exciting (and I don't live there anymore) and we don't talk unless we have too. As for FB, there are some people that havn't spoken to me for over a year now over something I posted and they took it as it was about them - ffs!! That's how to make sure I don't take the post down ......... as for posting about your son doing well at school, sounds like they have some issues if they can't cope with that, sorry to hear your wife has had such a hard time over something so innocent. It is horrible to find out who your real friends are like that ... and hard to realise how false other people can be. Hope she bounces back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 I guess it all depends on the exact wording of your Mrs original post, but as you say, it's been deleted, do you get emails detailing the replies? if anyone responds to something I've put on facebook, I get an email, that way if they delete it, I've still got it. Ultimately though, it shouldn't really matter, I'm of the bull in a china shop school of dealing with things like that, I'll just ask them to their faces what the problem is, and why are they so fecking pathetic? then watch them squirm. I'd also put a post up on facebook re-iterating exactly how proud you are of your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patently Posted November 8, 2011 Report Share Posted November 8, 2011 Unfortunately that is how some "school mums" are .... I keep well clear of all "school mum" discussions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scooby_simon Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Indeed. I don't use it. I've told her not to post so much on there. Keep it general and not to spend so much time there. But she gets carried away.It is a good way to keep in touch with many of our (real) friends that live across the country and family too. So she doesn't want to close her account (which I suggested). She also doesn't want to remove the people involved from her friends list (which I also suggested). (But that was more for selfish reasons, i.e. less time on FB = more time doing house work :D ) I wish she'd drop the whole bloody lot tbh. It all kicked off when we got home from Parents' evening last night. Our eldest, year 1, 5 nearly 6, had a glowing report. He's doing really well across the board and we're really proud of him. She posted to that effect. An hour or so later she got a phone call from a friend asking if she'd seen her facebook page. My wife had closed the laptop lid to watch TV with me and wasn't monitoring. The husband, the wife and several of her friends had commented on how insensitive she had been. I didn't see the post and my wife deleted it on the advice of the friend that called to prevent further trouble (something she now regrets doing). I also didn't see the posts made by the others (I think they disappeared with her original post). But it sounds like they took it completely the wrong way and she was in some way belittling their children! Like, WTF? One or two of them started posting on their own walls about how bad it was and they wish there was an 'unlike' button. We now know they also started talking amongst themselves about us (outwith FB/Twitter). It's the sort of behaviour you expect from school children. A group of girls getting together, slagging off another girl, then ganging up on her in the playground. It was an innocent comment, expressing how proud we are of our son and it's been taken completely the wrong way, twisted and thrown back in our faces with malice. It seems really petty reading back through this, but it's got really difficult and uncomfortable, especially for my wife. She's very sensitive and worries about what other people think of her and if they're talking behind her back. Which in this case, they were and freely admit to. She didn't sleep at all last night and was still crying at 4am! I, on the other hand, try to consider other people's feelings as often as I can, but ultimately don't give a feck what people think of me. However, somewhat contradictory, I don't easily forgive or forget (which would suggest I do care). So I guess that their kids are thick? I assume so.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sponge Posted November 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) It's not that their kids are thick, per se; but as in most things in life, some people are better at some things, etc, etc. Sometimes that's life; sometimes it's down to lack of parental input/support/encouragement. I know parents that are rightly proud of how well their child rides a bike, or plays the guitar, or plays football, or swims, all things my kids do not excel at. That doesn't mean I accuse them of being insensitive towards me and my child when they mention it. Edited November 9, 2011 by Sponge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soulboy Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) I bet there isn't a person on here who hasn't gone through something similar. Firstly, I wouldn't class them as friends. That's not what friends do.........they are just acquaintances. It's surprising behaviour for grown adults to be so jealous and petty. It's not so much what happened, but the ganging up which leaves a bitter taste for me. I personally would be more than happy to disengage people like that. You also need to tell your Mrs to be thick skinned. She can only be responsible for her actions. She can't change what other people do or say.......so she should try not to worry to much about their actions. And sometimes you have to get annoyed and stand up and be counted.....people may not like it at first, but ultimately they have more respect for you. If you just roll over and let yourself be kicked, then that's what people wil do. Your wife is obviously a decent, sensitive person and they know it will hurt and upset her. To me its bullying, sadistic behaviour. Lastly, internet / text / email causes so many problems which wouldn't happen face to face. Just look at the issues we have had on here lately. I would let your Mrs see this thread and the support. Not worry about what others do....she can't change them. Stand up for yourself and be rightly proud of those kids. If they were my kids, I am sure I would be just as proud and wouldn't give a toss what other parents think Edited November 9, 2011 by Soulboy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Lastly, internet / text / email causes so many problems which wouldn't happen face to face. Just look at the issues we have had on here lately. I was thinking the same thing. People take written comments very differently to how they are intended. No emotion or nuance in what is said. Someone can ask something very casually or respond to something in a way that could be very normal in their usual group of friends but can be perceived very differently by a diverse group of people on the Internet. I hope your wife gets it sorted, it sounds like yours and mine are very similar in the way in which they react to things. You have my sympathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted November 9, 2011 Report Share Posted November 9, 2011 Just look at the issues we have had on here lately. We have? Must have passed me by, we have some heated debates and discussions occasionally, but they stay in the threads, and don't get carried over into other discussions other than for a bit of ribbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sponge Posted November 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) Thanks everyone for your support and input. I've shown this thread to my wife and I hope it's gone some way to making her feel better. I'm sure it has. Soulboy, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We're probably more annoyed and upset about how they behaved than anything else. It wasn't the behaviour of friends or adults. Imagine a group of school girls slagging off another girl behind her back. Then all ganging up on her in the playground, making her cry and you wouldn't be far from the truth. They've been texting my wife asking to meet up to 'sort it out.' Saying things like, 'We're all grown ups.' :mad: However, nothing in their messages, or in their actions during face to face encounters, suggests they acknowledge there's been any wrong-doing on their part, or they want to make amends. To my wife, it still feels like they're ganging up on her and any meeting would be her against them. This would undoubtedly end with her in tears. She wells up just thinking about it. So for now, she's saying thanks but no thanks. Unfortunately, she's now thinking they're thinking she's blowing it all out of proportion and being silly. I actually think one of them might have called her silly for crying! My wife is coming to the conclusion that these people were not real friends and like you say, just acquaintances. They may have become close friends over time, but this has prevented that ever happening. Or at least knocked it back a few years. She's now, after me asking her to do so for so long, looking more closely at her Facebook settings to filter her comments for family, friends, acquaintances, etc. I had a quick look and it appears possible. Edited November 10, 2011 by Sponge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soulboy Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 (edited) Glad to hear that Sponge. The situation is an improvement and gives you some control back.........which is important. But tell your wife to stop worrying about what they are thinking. She can only be responsible for what she does, says and thinks. Other people are responsible for their actions. My bet is that if you stay strong and let them all know just how upset and pi55ed off you are, they may break ranks. I am sure some of them are now feeling a bit guilty and once they think about what they have done will feel bad. Others won't....they will enjoy it. I bet in time, some will make individual contact and apologise, rather than the group pow-wow that they are proposing now. At that stage you may get an apology and more respect, to react however you want. Not off everyone .........but that would speak volumes. Edited November 10, 2011 by Soulboy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Posted November 10, 2011 Report Share Posted November 10, 2011 Unfortunately comments, either Facebook, texts, or emails can appear totally different to other people. What your wife thought was a great encouraging comment about your child, was to other parents taken as bragging and 'we are better than you'. Not your intention but parents with school children can be a jealous lot. And some parents are very competitive when it comes to their child's progress. I put my foot in it the other day. My son had his 2nd set of spellings to learn and they were tough. I commented to a mum that spelling words like people and Tuesday were quite hard and she said 'my Thomas has got really basic words like it, me, the etc. I could see her getting a bit arsey so I made a good excuse and left it at that. I spoke to the teacher later who said my son was doing really well and that he could spell all of the easy words. Now while this is fantastic the last thing I would do is post it up on Facebook. It will pass in time and you're learn who you're real friends are. Just don't post too personal stuff on Facebook to the masses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruiser647 Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Chatting to wifey about this last night. She agreed - keep little Johnny's cleverness a secret unless specifically asked by others not at that school. Or be suitably vague when around the other mums. She is a 'guided reader' at the school, our youngest is in year 1 and her guidees are in year 2 or 3. Neither are as good as our youngest! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tipex Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 Chatting to wifey about this last night. She agreed - keep little Johnny's cleverness a secret unless specifically asked by others not at that school. Or be suitably vague when around the other mums.She is a 'guided reader' at the school, our youngest is in year 1 and her guidees are in year 2 or 3. Neither are as good as our youngest! Why should they? They are rightfully proud, and have every right to tell anyone and everyone. It's the parents with the stupid children who have the problem, if they don't like the fact there are more intelligent kids in the school, that's their problem, and perhaps they should take all the time they spend bitching and gossiping and use it to further their children's education instead. I'd have no hesitation in telling these mums exactly how pathetic and childish they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stooH Posted November 11, 2011 Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 and perhaps they should take all the time they spend bitching and gossiping and use it to further their children's education instead. Bob on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sponge Posted November 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2011 I think I may need to find some middle ground between those two viewpoints. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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